The green tongue of the monster was hard
and spiky. The rubbery grey lips and dark hard outer shell were open,
Ok. So my universal remote fell off the
bed onto the hardwood floor and broke open. Big deal. Who needs
Uh, I do.
I like it, thought Perry McSchmatter.
Helps fight off the loneliness and sadness. Also the Yankees. The Yankees are
real good this year.
So, ok. At 4pm let's get up and out of
this comfortably cool man-cave with cold beer in the fridge and go take care of
this remote "situation."
Running a magazine is actually work
thought Perry and he sent his final work email for the afternoon and looked to
the windowsill where a half-smoked joint beckoned.
"Swuuupt!" Inhale. "Pheeeeeewwww"
Grab the keys and into the elevator out
the front door of the building and...
Perry was overwhelmed by the heat and
humidity that made it feel like he was inside a laundry dryer. Baked and
sweating profusely, Perry finally lucked into an expensive air conditioned
yellow limo known as a NYC taxi cab.
"Where are you going, sir"
"77th street and Lex."
"Where are you from?"
"I am from the holy land."
"Oh yeah? where's that?"
"Oh yeah?, great. Good for
The cab driver had white hair and a
moustache and didn't seem like that bad of a guy at all but it was way too hot
to converse so Perry decided to fill the empty space with the sound of his
iPhone. He punched up some reggae on Spotify--as he mused to himself that maybe
someone should develop an app called "Potify."
"Get up! Stand Up!" sang Bob Marley and
Perry too. As loud as he could because why not? Bob thought he could heal the
world with his miraculous music and while he couldn't stop countries from
fighting he did leave behind some amazing music to get stoned to.
"Do you have cash?" asked holy-land
"No, why do you ask?"
"The meter isn't taking credit cards
"That's weird. No problem, we can just
hit a bank or ATM near my final destination."
"Yes sir, how about this bank over
"K, be right back."
Perry jumped out of the back seat,
closed the door, was assaulted by a hot, humid wave that almost knocked him
down. Fuck it's hot out.
Of course, the bank the cabbie had
chosen was closed.
Why? Why would it be closed? Made no
Perry started to walk south toward his
eventual destination. He scanned left and right as he walked searching
desperately for any store or bank that had an ATM. Nothing for an entire block.
OK, keep walking...slowly, no rush. Chill out. It's all good even though it is
hot as fuck out. The meter had been turned off. Nothing on this block either.
Suddenly it dawned on Perry he could simply skip out on the fare and just go
attend to the business of replacing his broken remote that was nestled in the
left pocket of his cargo pants.
How is this possible? Is this a Twilight
Zone episode? Did someone zap away all the ATMs?
What would Holy-Land Man think?
It must have been over 5 minutes.
OK keep going.
Oop! hey that looks like pay-dirt.
A Duane Reade.
They always have ATMs.
Perry took out 40 bucks.
As he left Duane Reade he pondered once
again, should I really head back to where the cab left me - 5 blocks away?
Let's just see if this guy truly is a
man of faith.
One block, two, three, four... it must
be almost 15 minutes I've been gone. He won't be there but just in case, one
He was there! Parked a little bit
further up from the closed bank.
"Hey you're still here."
"I had to walk five blocks to find an
"Here's your money."
"Thank you sir...I will drive you to
your destination now."
"You're not turning the meter back on
"Let me ask you...how much longer would
you have waited for me."
"Maybe five minutes, sir"
"Did you stay because you believed in
me...that I would come back?"
"I believe in God, sir."
"Gotcha. Ok, thanks."
Perry got out walked into the Spectrum
store with the broken remote and told the sales rep that "the monster" had
fallen on the floor and exploded. The sales representative walked away briefly
and came back and handed Perry a brand new remote wrapped in plastic. No fuss,
no arguing. No cost. Free. Easy as could be.
"Do I need to buy batteries?," inquired
Perry skeptical that anything in this world could be such an easy
The rep smiled and nodded toward the
In a separate clear pouch were two brand
new double A batteries.
Wow. Go figure.