Im starting to worry about myself.
Its like lately, I keep taking things literally. Super literally. Like at
this staff meeting. Were all sitting there in this gloomy, stomach
churning strip-lighting lit hall getting a bollocking from the boss.
You lot really are the turkeys who voted
for Christmas, arent you?
If truth be known, I hadnt been paying
much attention up until that point then, all of a sudden Im looking round
the room at my colleagues and theyre all like
Theyre like gobbling away. Some of them have got ballot cards in their
hands well, wings - and are, illogically somehow poising pens above them
as they think of which way to vote
Weird, man. Its like all of a
sudden, my boss was no longer spouting crap
Ha, can you imagine if he was
actually spouting crap? I guess his mouth would be like the spout of a teapot
and then out of it would spurt all this
Well you see where Im going
Thatd be messed up though
And like the other day, I was having lunch with
my friend, just a simple meal of biscuits and cheese and she says:
Man, this cheese, I cant keep it on
its like attacking the earth or something.
At that moment, my heads totally filled
with images of these weird little villagers clad in rustic clothing, running
for their lives, shielding their head with wicker baskets; flailing their arms
wildly, as huge knobs of Cheddar hurtle from the sky with destruction in their
I cant explain it.
I dont do drugs. Unless of course drinking
pot after pot of tea each day constitutes having an unhealthy habit?
Man, its weird.
Its like I used to love reading
Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass but
then I realised I was missing something that other people got.
Its like the books they didnt have the same like psychedelic effect
on me as they seemed to on others. I had none of this, Man, this shit is
fucked up, kinda thoughts or this is stupid, that would never
Quite the contrary, it all just seemed to make sense to me.
Bread and Butterflies? Rockinghorse flies? Things that are impassible rather
than impossible? Talking animals? All that shit just made sense. Its all
this weird stuff out here, on dry land thats all jumbled up.
Like contradictions and metaphors. Why say
something that you mean if you dont actually mean it? And more over, why
get pissed at people if they dont automatically get whatever abstract
point youre actually trying to make? And that friend who I ate lunch
with? She exaggerates all the time. Like everythings some huge fucking
space odyssey drama thing. Like I know she does it to be like enigmatic and
stuff and creative and spunky
But I dont get why she cant
just say what she means
Dont get me wrong, I dont think
Im what people consider to be like special. You know,
Im not autistic or have aspergers
I dont think. At least I
reckon Im too self-aware to have that kind of a label pinned to me
Which would hurt anyway, wouldnt it? Although I guess branding would be
Man, I bet my life would be so boring if I
became like everyone else and just stopped taking what people said literally. I
mean, then Id actually have to start reading between the imaginary lines
when people come out with things like: at the end of the day and
the light at the end of the tunnel and blow me down with a
Man - that would be like living in sepia instead