I feel as guilty as a
nun must do in a brothel
I stamped a trainer down
on a spider that was crawling across my bedroom floor
I did panic
I dont know if I
have squashed it but
I dont want to
Mangled spider remains
will probably make me heave
And it was a mammoth
I dont panic over
no, it was
It was really
But I shouldnt
have had that instinct to kill it
Its smaller than
me, for Christ sake
But it does scuttle
faster than I can
When something moves
faster than you, thats like
I look underneath the
trainer in the morning.
I have to
I need to wear those
There are no mangled
spider remains underneath the sole
The spider is
And I am relieved about
it, very happy
He must still be
I jump up onto my
mattress and begin scanning the room.
My advice to you, an
After a banana,
comes a slice of cake
I listen to Little
Richard, whom I had mistook for Chuck Berry, which I consider shameful enough
to laugh at myself.
I take my cups, OK I
take a cup, downstairs.
The tap is
So I wont wash out
Pour another drink on
top of that dried beforehand
I havent a place
to put it
Room is a
No place to
I stand, I rock. This
50s music sounds different but I am unable to dance with a cup in
That would be
My drink tastes like a
And nobody believes
My mum tells me, after
reading the label
My dad tells me
Have they no
I know what I am
tasting, ta very much
I would be offended if I
wasnt a mellow sort of guy, laid back and easy going, you know
fuck I scream, having set my fingers alight and not my
I sit at the kitchen
table. My mum pours the coffee. I am serious. My fingers itch. I need a
cigarette. My mum glances at me. I pull a face, cross eyes, stick out my
laugh. whats up mum? Whats on?
Irene has gone
into hospital is how my mum begins.
Irene is the neighbour
next door on the left side. She isnt the one I am interested in. My
object of desire is on the right.
Can you do
that? my mum asks.
I have missed the
OK I tread
Go now she
I guess work that I am
going to Irenes house. I knock on the front door.
She is in hospital, how
is Irene able to answer?
Oh hello I
say to the beautiful redhead at the door.
From next door. Is
Irene alright? I heard she was taken, by illness none the less
So what do you
Can I feed the cat
Yes, I suppose you
I am happy to
help. Is it anything serious?
Come back later. I
need to find you a key
I sit on the fence. How
later does the woman want me? I am a busy person.
I smoke a
I unhook myself when the
fence starts to leer and move.
I walk, OK I stroll,
quite casually. I wonder where I put my cup. I hope I didnt leave it in
the kitchen. My mum will bleach it. She has a thing about bleaching cups. You
cant ever get them clean. Most of us have marks, dirty little marks and
scars we scrub at to no avail. They cannot be removed. Because I am an idiot I
thought to try and see how permanent permanent marker is. I drew across my
right hand with one of those markers and two years on I still have the line
clear as the sun.
The answer then to how
permanent is permanent marker is very permanent. In case you ever
wondered yourself, dont make my mistakes. Get a tattoo
I find myself walking
towards the park. It is deserted for the moment. I lean on the railings,
against, to stroke a dog.
Hi I say to
the owner. He is smoking a pipe, wearing leather gloves and a scarf. I am glad
I am on this side of the fence, with the slide, swings and climbing frame.
I shoot up the climbing
frame, the bars, ropes and hoops, then I shin myself to the bottom. I rub my
sore elbow. I received this injury when I was getting out of my bed this
morning, falling over certainly wakes you but you will feel a fool later.
What I did was have a
ham sandwich in my bed yesterday, on a plastic plate and when I went to bed, I
forgot the plate was still in my bed with me and my feet were rubbing it. So I
chucked the plate out, thought it would be safe on the floor until the morning.
Except this morning the plate was safe but I wasnt, I put my foot right
on the plate and I stood up, stretching, cracking my knuckles and the plate
slid from me and I fell not backwards, sideways, so the bed didnt catch
me, and my elbow whacked it.
The things I do of a
morning were not done. I could reach my cigarettes from my plate/place on the
floor. I smoked a few until I felt able to get back onto my feet and open a
window to let out the smoke. Thats the story. The moral of that is not to
chuck out plates, put them in the kitchen or a shelf in your room. I could have
slid among my books that plate, would have stayed there for weeks. I put my
elbow down and pick up the other, inspecting that one. It looks alright. The
skin is dry. I put that down too.
I sit on top of the
slide, king of the castle. I feel like such a big kid up here.
Another family enter the
park, couple of twins with a child and I realize
This is a park and I am
without child. Can you sit in a park alone?
Oh dear, the lone martyr
has hit his first visible hurdle.
I sit on my bed, look
into my lap. The perfect line on my trousers has started to bunch up, the
thread is coming undone.
I am glad I havent
killed that spider.
That means he must also
still be here.
I tug the thread, it
rips. Tiny holes not filled.
Ah well, I pull my
school bag to me and a trainer. I tip it, to find my cigarettes, and matches. A
battery in my hand, not a lighter. I look in my other trainer by the radiator,
not there. My lighter has gone, shit. I roll the battery on my tongue, in my
hand, on the windowsill. I need to look in my pockets, before anything goes in
the wash. What have I been wearing recently? I had my lighter when I went to
bed. I pat down my duvet, pillow. I flop forward to look beneath the bed.
There it is, the little
I light a cigarette.
What am I doing today.
I am going to get
dressed, whichll sound like an event if you are Lady Gaga but I am just
putting on clothes.
This takes me five
I am ready for the day,
I put in my pockets, the
cigarettes, the lighter, battery, MP3 player, keys.
Keys for next
I have to feed
Irenes cat. The cat I dont know. I plunge my feet in my trainers
and I take myself to the kitchen. I fill up, chocolate crepes, an apple, grapes
and a glass of orange juice.
I concentrate on the
music coming through my headphone. To stop me counting and eating too
The door at the back of
the house next door is stiff. The key has been newly minted. The house is cold
and I want to look around. I inch in. The hallway is coated with pictures of
the daughters Irene has and those daughters had grandchildren and I am
hazarding a guess one of those grandchildren had a child too. How many
I dont even know
Irenes last name.
I hope these are
I like families. Ones
that if you dont get along with your mum, you can go to your aunt and
talk to her, you will be welcome and that aunts children will want to
come to you too for advice. I barely know my family. My parents have eleven
siblings between them and are uncle/aunt eight times over.
My grandparents are in a
home and I have six brothers myself, plus my sister. Who I havent seen in
Why should communication
be money in a birthday card? It isnt about the money, its about knowing
and I like to be made aware of things. I want to be close to people, I want to
support them and I want to know if they have my back too. I want to shake off
this lonely, sad feeling I have altogether. I hold my cigarette in my mouth. I
feel spooked. My breakfast is causing my stomach to grumble. I wish my food
digesting could be more quiet. Cat comes along, scratching against my leg. I
stumble backwards, stepping on a wiry tail. I hear the cat yowling. Fuck, my
heart is pacing in my chest. The living room has been locked. Upstairs the
rooms have been locked. That daughter of Irene, who gave me the key, has locked
Great, well, I am only
feeding the cat anyway.
I sit on the step of the
I stare into the garden,
feeling cold. The cat sits on me. She wants the attention, head butting and
nipping me. The cats bowl is by the door and I fill it with biscuits. The
cat eats, making scraping noises. I hear the birds overhead and someone is in
the garden, talking on the phone, next door.
I feel cushioned by
When it starts to rain I
shuffle on my arse into to the kitchen, further in, sitting in the middle of
the room, cold tiles on me. The cat looks at me, right up at me, posing,
purring and stepping on my toes. What do you want now? I
I jump, hearing the rain
clatter, and what was that?
The rain beating on the
tins in the recycling tub. It is a beast of a noise. I reopen the door to let
the cat out, perhaps that is what she wants of me. I sit on the side in the
kitchen , listening and I am thinking too. Then I see the cat on the window.
She hasnt been out two minutes and does she need to come back in already?
I open the door. The cat is on the mat, shaking herself, wet drops attach to
me, soaking through my jeans.
I close the door,
prepare to heft myself on the side again but, no, the cat by her empty
I pour in the biscuits
and the cat eats. I wait. I can predict-
Yes, the cat wants out
when she is done and I leave too.
I walk through the rain,
thinking how beautiful that sound was, the rain on tins.
The heads office
is in front of me. Picture the scene as one of those western gun
I walk to the door,
closer and closer until my nerves are bunched up around my throat.
The door opens and out
steps the headmaster from his inner sanctum. I smile.
Hiya I smile
and then want to kick myself. hiya? far too friendly.
Hello, sir I
change my plea.
Jude he says
Jude Leach his mouth, I think, is attempting to twitch into a smile
The headmaster, I forget
to check what his name is on the plague drilled to his office door, invites me
in and shuts the door.
He sits behind his desk,
which is meticulously neat.
He offers me a
I sit on the back of the
chair, feet tapping on the seat. I forget how dirty my shoes are. I move my
feet to the edge and wipe the chair of dirt with the heel of my
Now there is a pile of
dirt on his carpet.
Major disaster for head
of school and, of course, for the poor sod who has to clean it up.
I get off the chair, get
onto my hands ad knees to collect the crumbs of dirt from the carpet and smear
it back onto the soles of my shoes.
Then I sit again on the
chair but properly, facing the headmaster, bloody hell what a disaster, and
listen to him talk rules.