The Council on Earth Matters Meets, 2020 
by Martin Green

 

 

 

On the planet Spielberg, light years away and light years more advanced than Earth, the long dormant Council on Earth Matters was meeting. The Council had been formed a number of years ago when it was discovered that an obscure planet, Earth, had somehow developed intelligent life, although several of the Council members disputed that in lieu of Earth’s subsequent history of wars, plagues, famines, religious intolerance and more recently, reality television, rock music and iPhones.

 

At its last meeting, four years ago, the Council considered the Earth situation when it was reported that the two candidates for president of the United States, considered the leading country on the planet, were Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. From its start some members of the Council had recommended doing away with Earth and putting its inhabitants out of their misery once and for all. At least two or three expressed their fear that one day Earth might be able to send spaceships to other planets and so perhaps contaminate the Universe.

 

When they were told about Trump and Clinton this anti-Earth bloc had immediately said, That does it. One of our warships can easily do it. Eliminate the Earth and let us be merciful, do it now before the debates start. However, the pro-Earth bloc had countered that they should wait and see what happens (a favorite statement, as it turned out, of Donald Trump). The anti-Earth bloc said this had been their argument countless times before, after the Spanish Inquisition, World War I and World War II, the atom bombs, the spread of television and now the obsession with iPhones. And now look at where things had come to -Trump against a Democrat named Joe Biden, who might be even more inept than Hillary Clinton.

 

Once again the pro-Earth bloc argued that they should wait and see, give Earth one more chance. The anti-Earth bloc said enough was enough . Trump versus Hillary had been bad. Trump versus Biden , hard as that was to believe, was even worse. However, there was another matter to consider. A pandemic of something called the coronavirus had started early in the year and sweeping over the globe. The pro-Earth bloc said to give the earthlings a chance to see if they could stop this pandemic and survive. If they didn’t survive the Earth would be doomed anyway and they would be spared the expense of dispatching a warship to do the job. The anti-Earth bloc argued that inflicting Trump-Biden debates on a country already reeling from the coronavirus would be cruel and inhumane punishment.  End it now. The wrangling continued until finally the Chairman of the Council banged down his gavel and said, “All right. I’m sick of all this arguing over that insignificant little planet. We’ll take a vote. In the event of a tie, I’ll decide. After the vote, refreshments will be served in the anteroom.”

 

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