Mayakovsky
he loved
from afar
this woman
untouchable woman
from afar he loved
and lived and dreamed
and chased the inner demon lust
across the vast steppes of a frozen land
mother Russia
and Moscow
and eruptions of parliamentarian disrepute
skulls cracked and fragmented
into shards of voices never quelled
but forgotten
in the fog of war
the fog of life
forgotten into the bitter black
of forests laid bare across the flesh
of dying souls
relapse
i have a secret
a craving
something i don't want to admit to
but something real
foreboding
it creeps on me
when i am alone
or in groups
on the freeway locked down in traffic
on my knees in a dark alley
it comes alive & whispers
in my ear
'remember me?'
'remember me?'
she won't leave me be
alone, tv on,
drug documentary
how it's made
how it's sold
who gets hurt
who gets paid
i watch it
disinterested
fentanyl
disinterested
cocaine
a familiar itch begins
i am piqued
i remember
but this sister never wrapped her coils
around me
never drew me in
took control
and yet...
the whisper gets louder
the next episode
the itch gets deeper
the whisper begins to sing
methamphetamine
m e t h a n p h e t a m i n e
how it's made
how it's sold
who gets hurt
who gets paid
i want to change channels
look at porn
watch baking shows
or maybe go outside
walk in the sun
but a trembling finger does
not press the right button
and i watch
and remember
without thinking
hesitation
consideration
i reach for my phone
dial a number
speak in a low voice
15 minutes, come over
30 minutes, back home
a button bag
filled with white rock
mid-grade
methamphetamine
dope
d o p e
quickly i crush
stone to powder
on my Formica table top
w/my gym membership card
roll a five into a slender tube
hold it to one nostril
inhale
another nostril
inhale
it's immediate
as it burns through the thin
membranes of my sinuses
i go into a mellow
euphoric state
ADHD
before the speed i had Adderall
crushed & snorted
daily
paid for by insurance
prescribed by a doctor that accepted cash payment
i sat there
alone
high
indifferent
tried to write
nothing
tried to masturbate
nothing
tried to do something
nothing
how long had it been?
the sweet burn kept rising
heart raced
i felt magic
sorrow
shame
regret
another line
push it deeper
no more thought
or memory
or present reality
just the rush
another line
the rush
another line
the rush
another line
then nothing
days went by
i lick each speck of dust
from empty button bags
make a phone
15 minutes, come over
30 minutes, i'm back
days pass
work calls
'where are you?'
'i'm here'
'are you sick?'
'i am'
i am
a call to prayers
the first time you stabbed me
i said 'you sharpen the knife,'
knowing the next time could be the
last time & i wanted it to be quick.
but you never listened,
never cared, never told me
stories about love & dreams & happy endings.
and when you left, the last time,
i changed locks & phone numbers,
in hopes of peace, a respite
from your tortured life.
but you came back,
when the money ran dry,
when the con fell apart, when
the next mark wised up & told
you a sharper knife would work better.
the cops let me go,
called it self-defense, but
now you are truly captured
deep in last vesper
of my quivering heart.
