Say What You Mean, Please. By Kate Alexander-Kirk.
Im starting to worry about myself. Its like lately, I keep taking things literally. Super literally. Like at this staff meeting. Were all sitting there in this gloomy, stomach churning strip-lighting lit hall getting a bollocking from the boss.
You lot really are the turkeys who voted for Christmas, arent you?
If truth be known, I hadnt been paying much attention up until that point then, all of a sudden Im looking round the room at my colleagues and theyre all like turkeys Theyre like gobbling away. Some of them have got ballot cards in their hands well, wings - and are, illogically somehow poising pens above them as they think of which way to vote Weird, man. Its like all of a sudden, my boss was no longer spouting crap Ha, can you imagine if he was actually spouting crap? I guess his mouth would be like the spout of a teapot and then out of it would spurt all this Well you see where Im going with it Thatd be messed up though
And like the other day, I was having lunch with my friend, just a simple meal of biscuits and cheese and she says:
Man, this cheese, I cant keep it on my biscuit its like attacking the earth or something.
At that moment, my heads totally filled with images of these weird little villagers clad in rustic clothing, running for their lives, shielding their head with wicker baskets; flailing their arms wildly, as huge knobs of Cheddar hurtle from the sky with destruction in their inanimate minds Its mental.
I cant explain it.
I dont do drugs. Unless of course drinking pot after pot of tea each day constitutes having an unhealthy habit?
Man, its weird.
Its like I used to love reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass but then I realised I was missing something that other people got. Its like the books they didnt have the same like psychedelic effect on me as they seemed to on others. I had none of this, Man, this shit is fucked up, kinda thoughts or this is stupid, that would never happen Quite the contrary, it all just seemed to make sense to me. Bread and Butterflies? Rockinghorse flies? Things that are impassible rather than impossible? Talking animals? All that shit just made sense. Its all this weird stuff out here, on dry land thats all jumbled up.
Like contradictions and metaphors. Why say something that you mean if you dont actually mean it? And more over, why get pissed at people if they dont automatically get whatever abstract point youre actually trying to make? And that friend who I ate lunch with? She exaggerates all the time. Like everythings some huge fucking space odyssey drama thing. Like I know she does it to be like enigmatic and stuff and creative and spunky But I dont get why she cant just say what she means
Dont get me wrong, I dont think Im what people consider to be like special. You know, Im not autistic or have aspergers I dont think. At least I reckon Im too self-aware to have that kind of a label pinned to me Which would hurt anyway, wouldnt it? Although I guess branding would be way worse
Man, I bet my life would be so boring if I became like everyone else and just stopped taking what people said literally. I mean, then Id actually have to start reading between the imaginary lines when people come out with things like: at the end of the day and the light at the end of the tunnel and blow me down with a feather
Man - that would be like living in sepia instead of Technicolor.
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