by Michael Estabrook
Egyptian Spine Lizard
The largest heaviest most dangerous carnivorous dinosaur
ever to slog through the northern African swamplands
bigger even than Giganotosaurus and Tyrannosaurus
Argentinasaurus and Sauroposeidon
Bruhathkayosaurus and Carcharodontosaurus (seriously!
how in the hell is anyone
supposed to know how to pronounce these absurd names?)
We had giant claws for hooking into water beasts
dragging them beneath to their certain demise
and also for fighting off giant crocs
our staunchest enemies and stiffest competition.
Over the millennia to better compete
with the crocs we developed croc-like snouts and teeth
for clamping down tight onto prey then rolling
thrashing them to death in the water
before tearing them to pieces for easier swallowing.
We grew gigantic sails down our backs but for what?
a cooling mechanism?
Well Im not saying for sure and youll never know for sure
because the only skeleton of us ever
to have been dug out of the dirt and preserved
was blown to smithereens during your World War II
obliterating us again 100 million years
after the first time. You people really do make me sick.
Imagine if you will if you can if you dare
a creature nine feet tall nine feet long
500 pounds, razor talons, a giant hooked beak
the top predator in our world but with feathers yes
a bird, a bird fast as a horse big as a horse well thats
what we were dominating the landscape
here in South America
where there were no wolves or giant cave bears
or snarly sabre-toothed cats
until 2 million years ago
when the stupid Panamanian land bridge appeared
rather miraculously if you ask me rising right up
out of the sea permitting the predatory carnivores
from up north to stream across
overrunning our lands stealing our food
and we simply could not compete and that was that.
Scientists refer to us as Terror Birds
descended directly from the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex.
We did them damn proud yes we did
for a long long time
and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
Just be thankful we are not still tromping around
the savannahs and jungles pummeling everything
in our path with our powerful sickle-hammer beaks
including people too if you got in our way.
For 65 million years we were extinct
until one of us was discovered in 1938
off the coast of South Africa
a dinosaur a living fossil they announced
making a big splash a fish
as large as a man wrapped in armor-like scales
with lobe fins and a trilobate tail.
Extinct my ass we were simply remaining alive
by staying the hell away from you people
living down deep in vast
labyrinthine underwater caverns.
To this date a few dozen of us
have been caught.
Are there many more of us thriving
along with other monstrous creatures
where we came from?
Dont ask because you really dont
want to know what else lurks
down in the murky depths of the oceans.
Best to keep all that relegated
to your nightmares.
Bigfoot Sasquatch Mapinguari The Tall Man Yiren
Batutut Hibagon Hairy Wild Man Orang Pendek
Mogollon Monster Swamp Ape Yowie Himalayan Yeti
or simply the good old Abominable Snowman
call us what you will but doubt us only
if you dare because we are everywhere.
We screech and shriek break your windows
steal and eat your hogs and goats
sheep and chickens make thunderous
tree knocks and quiet nests of leaf litter and twigs.
Were not ghosts, vampires or zombies
werewolves, bogeymen or Neanderthals
were Bigfoots damn it! Proud intelligent humanoids
just like you even though
you cant find us and never will Ha Ha
we leave only our footprints and tufts of hair behind
to tantalize you so you bet were out there all right
somewhere in your darkest night
and were on our way to your front door!
Loch Ness Monster
Since before the Dark Ages
we have been lurking beneath
the deep freezing waters of Loch Ness
after having swam (or is it swum?)
quite by accident up Ness River from
the North Sea. The Vikings knew we were there
but knew better than to hunt us or search us out
better to let sleeping monsters lie!
Spotted for centuries, only becoming an obsession
for academicians politicians tourists sailors
monster hunters biologists cryptozoologists
(talk about whack jobs) nautical engineers
and hoaxers in 1933 after that first photo was taken
which spawned a clamorous cacophony of films
videos sonar images echo sound recordings
and various scientific expeditions.
So what are we? A surviving Plesiosaur family?
Giant Greenland Sharks or Sturgeons?
Gigantic eels, Lake Worms or Norwegian Skates?
A school of Bottlenose Dolphins? Some logs?
Sorry to disappoint but Im not telling.
Were having too much fun with you chasing us.
So keep it up you morons but please, please
for the love of God Stop Calling Us Nessie!
Were Monsters for crying out loud!
Yes we do exist what an ignorant insulting question
the ancient civilizations knew
depicted us in their folklore and mythologies
Atargatis of Assyria, the Sirens of Greece (Homer
was no dummy), Melusina in Europe, the Babylonians
Chinese Japanese Hindus Africans Polynesians Columbus
even Blackbeard the Pirate
all saw us swimming the oceans
and dont forget the prehistoric cave paintings
so for the love of God stop asking if we are real!
Like whales were once land mammals with hooves
returning to the sea 50 million years ago
so did we 7 million years ago
(the Aquatic Ape Theory look it up on your Internet).
Today we often travel with whales
for camouflage and protection.
In addition to our split fish-like tail
we have webbed hands, a hinged ribcage (for deep diving)
long flowing hair, and were bewitchingly beautiful
youve seen the paintings and sculptures.
But if you are still skeptical, what about
the Israeli town of Kiryat offering a $1,000,000 reward
for the first photograph of one of us!
What about that? $1,000,000!
Now you know for certain we exist so go ahead
catch us if you can.
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