Advice to the Candidates. By Martin Green.
I was in the library doing the crossword puzzle when the phone rang. My man Jeeves picked it up, listened, then said, Its you-know-who again. Shall I tell her youre occupied?
Nah, shell just keep on calling. Ill take it. Hiya, Hillary, hows it going? Yeah, I know its hard. I know, it should have been inevitable, but who can tell? Yeah, hes a likeable guy, but what can you do? What should you do? Be yourself? Nah, Id hold back on that. Yeah, youll scare the guys, but will they vote for you?
Id tone it down a little, even play the woman card, maybe even a tear or two. What, you havent cried since you were a kid and didnt get that pony? Well, think about that the next time they tell you people dont like you. Men can never resist a broad, er, a woman who cries. Okay. Yeah, Ill keep in touch. By the way, Im doing the crossword. Whats the name of a recent president they tried to impeach? George Bush? No, that doesnt fit. Okay, talk to ya later.
As soon as I ended the call, the phone rang again.. He always knows, I said. Oh, hi, Barack. Hows it going? Yeah, I know its hard to keep that momentum going. Have you been taking those kick-boxing lessons I recommended? Not enough time. Well, you have to toughen up. Try soaking your hands in pickle brine. Okay. By the way, Im doing the crossword; know a word for making things different? Not a clue? Well, keep punching, and keep your guard up.
I gave Jeeves the phone. I suppose that guy Huckleberry, or whatever the hell his name is, is next.
Yes, sir. What do you really think of the candidates?
What do I really think? Jeeves, get my bags packed and call that travel agent. I think well be spending a lot of time abroad the next few years.
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