From Winamop.com

Tiny Tim. By Zack Wilson.


 

The Lescar is crowded. We hear the low voices of the mainly male clientele vibrating and humming, interspersed with occasional coarse laughter. The television is on and is turned up moderately loud. It is showing Everton vs. Liverpool. Many students are in the pub, cheering for one side or the other. The locals are just enjoying the game.

Four of them (Danny Noble, Jewish Dave, Mayhem and a quantity surveyor from Stoke-on-Trent named Vernon) are sitting at a table quite close to the television. It is now early evening on a Sunday , half past five or so, and they have been there since one o’clock that lunchtime.

 

Vernon

He’s good that Cahill.


Danny

Yeah. Fucking excellent. He’s got that Aussie tenacity.


Mayhem

Yeah. Tenacity sortathing, ‘e’s right competitive like.


Danny

Good in the air too.


Vernon

Yeah, he’s scored some right headers.


Dave

He’s a very tall man, isn’t he.


(The assembled company are quiet for a moment. We can sense their scepticism in their silence. We hear the sound of smoke being drawn into lungs and desperate exhalations, punctuated with small coughs.)


Vernon

Not that tall.


Danny

Only about five eleven I think.


Dave

He’s about six foot two! He wins all those headers and powers, really powers them into the net. He just couldn’t do that if he wasn’t well over six foot. (Dave sucks smoke from his roll-up, the gaps between his eye teeth and front teeth making a sinister hiss as he does so).


Mayhem

Do they ‘ave different fuckin’ measures down south where you’re from you Spurs bastard?


Dave

What do you mean, you Wednesday idiot? Measures were invented down south.


Danny

By a Jew, no doubt?


Dave

Yes. It’s a matter of historical record that the first measures in England were brought by itinerant Jewish traders.


Danny

Were they fuck!


Dave

Well who did bring them then?


Danny

I don’t fucking know. The Romans probably.


Dave

You don’t know! That history degree’s not much use is it?


Danny

I didn’t study fucking measuring things! That’s…


Vernon

Alright lads. Jesus! Calm down will ya?


Danny

Okay. Okay.


Dave

It was the Jews though.


Danny

Oh for fuck’s sake…


Vernon

Just leave it. Anyway, he’s about five nine. I saw it on the telly the other day.


Danny

Tim Cahill’s never only five nine! Surely! If he is, then he’s really good in the air.


Mayhem

Yeah, it’s that tenacity sortathing. Gets him up in the air. Anyway, he only looks five eight or so to me.


Dave

He’s over six foot! How would you know anyway. You couldn’t measure your…your…your…cock!


Mayhem

I work as a fucking brewer!


Danny

(splutters with laughter)

What’s that got to do wi’ owt! As a brewer you’re more likely to measure footballers and cocks?


Mayhem

As a brewer, I have to measure many things. Much stuff. It’s all to do with quantity in’t it?


Vernon

I’m a fucking quantity surveyor! And I saw on telly he’s only five nine!


Dave

Oh, it was on telly. It must be true.

(hiss of smoke exhalation)


Danny

We can fucking see him on telly can’t we? Are you saying we should be cynical about Sky Sports because it’s making players look different sized to what they are or summat?


Dave

No! You Derby twat! All I’m saying is…


Mayhem

That Tim Cahill’s over six foot. He’s not. And brewers do ‘ave to measure stuff…


Vernon

Yeah! But not footballers. He’s five fucking nine!


There is a massive ‘oooohhh’ in the background as Everton come close to scoring. As it dies we hear an exchange from over the other side of the pub: “’Ave that ya scouse bastard!” “They’re all scouse bastards, you prick, it’s the fucking Merseyside derby.” “Oh yeah. Still fuckin’ scouse bastards though, ent they?” “Well, yeah…”


Danny

That were Cahill there. Came close.


Mayhem

Not with ‘is ‘ead though.


Danny

No, but…


There is a roar of the crowd from the television, some of the pub punters join in. We hear Martin Tyler (the commentator)’s voice report excitedly, “A fantastic goal for Everton from that corner! Cahill showing once again that almost magical prowess he has in the air!”


Vernon

Cahill again! Header! Now look on the replay at him stood against Hyppia. Hyppia’s about six five and Cahill’s nowhere fucking near as tall!


Another voice from the telly, this time that of Andy Gray, the summariser: “Yes, he really does have that ability, Martin. Look here, he really gets up, higher than Hyppia, who doesn’t seem to know he’s even there, he arrives so late, and then, bang! Fetch that out the net, son! Amazing, especially as we can see on the stats on the screen there that he’s only five foot eight or so. Amazing spring!”


Danny

Alright Vern, stop grinning.


Mayhem

He were wrong! I were right. Five fucking eight. Told ya that us brewers could measure!


Dave

Yeah, well, the perspective on the telly shrinks and expands things in a funny way.


Danny

Shrinks!? You said he were six two!


Dave

Well, perspective’s a funny thing. When I was in the Civil Service….


Mayhem

He’s still taller than all of us lot.


Vernon

Speak for yourselves. I’m a healthy six one.


Danny

Well then, Tiny Tim, it’s your fucking round.


Vernon

Awww, I’d hoped you were all enjoying the debate too much notice. Same again, lads?


All

Aye, goo on then!


 


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