From Winamop.com
Tiny Tim. By Zack Wilson.
The Lescar is crowded. We hear the low voices of the mainly male clientele vibrating and humming, interspersed with occasional coarse laughter. The television is on and is turned up moderately loud. It is showing Everton vs. Liverpool. Many students are in the pub, cheering for one side or the other. The locals are just enjoying the game.
Four of them (Danny Noble, Jewish Dave, Mayhem and a quantity surveyor from Stoke-on-Trent named Vernon) are sitting at a table quite close to the television. It is now early evening on a Sunday , half past five or so, and they have been there since one oclock that lunchtime.
Vernon
Hes good that Cahill.
Danny
Yeah. Fucking excellent. Hes got that Aussie tenacity.
Mayhem
Yeah. Tenacity sortathing, es right competitive like.
Danny
Good in the air too.
Vernon
Yeah, hes scored some right headers.
Dave
Hes a very tall man, isnt he.
(The assembled company are quiet for a moment. We can sense their scepticism in their silence. We hear the sound of smoke being drawn into lungs and desperate exhalations, punctuated with small coughs.)
Vernon
Not that tall.
Danny
Only about five eleven I think.
Dave
Hes about six foot two! He wins all those headers and powers, really powers them into the net. He just couldnt do that if he wasnt well over six foot. (Dave sucks smoke from his roll-up, the gaps between his eye teeth and front teeth making a sinister hiss as he does so).
Mayhem
Do they ave different fuckin measures down south where youre from you Spurs bastard?
Dave
What do you mean, you Wednesday idiot? Measures were invented down south.
Danny
By a Jew, no doubt?
Dave
Yes. Its a matter of historical record that the first measures in England were brought by itinerant Jewish traders.
Danny
Were they fuck!
Dave
Well who did bring them then?
Danny
I dont fucking know. The Romans probably.
Dave
You dont know! That history degrees not much use is it?
Danny
I didnt study fucking measuring things! Thats
Vernon
Alright lads. Jesus! Calm down will ya?
Danny
Okay. Okay.
Dave
It was the Jews though.
Danny
Oh for fucks sake
Vernon
Just leave it. Anyway, hes about five nine. I saw it on the telly the other day.
Danny
Tim Cahills never only five nine! Surely! If he is, then hes really good in the air.
Mayhem
Yeah, its that tenacity sortathing. Gets him up in the air. Anyway, he only looks five eight or so to me.
Dave
Hes over six foot! How would you know anyway. You couldnt measure your your your cock!
Mayhem
I work as a fucking brewer!
Danny
(splutters with laughter)
Whats that got to do wi owt! As a brewer youre more likely to measure footballers and cocks?
Mayhem
As a brewer, I have to measure many things. Much stuff. Its all to do with quantity int it?
Vernon
Im a fucking quantity surveyor! And I saw on telly hes only five nine!
Dave
Oh, it was on telly. It must be true.
(hiss of smoke exhalation)
Danny
We can fucking see him on telly cant we? Are you saying we should be cynical about Sky Sports because its making players look different sized to what they are or summat?
Dave
No! You Derby twat! All Im saying is
Mayhem
That Tim Cahills over six foot. Hes not. And brewers do ave to measure stuff
Vernon
Yeah! But not footballers. Hes five fucking nine!
There is a massive oooohhh in the background as Everton come close to scoring. As it dies we hear an exchange from over the other side of the pub: Ave that ya scouse bastard! Theyre all scouse bastards, you prick, its the fucking Merseyside derby. Oh yeah. Still fuckin scouse bastards though, ent they? Well, yeah
Danny
That were Cahill there. Came close.
Mayhem
Not with is ead though.
Danny
No, but
There is a roar of the crowd from the television, some of the pub punters join in. We hear Martin Tyler (the commentator)s voice report excitedly, A fantastic goal for Everton from that corner! Cahill showing once again that almost magical prowess he has in the air!
Vernon
Cahill again! Header! Now look on the replay at him stood against Hyppia. Hyppias about six five and Cahills nowhere fucking near as tall!
Another voice from the telly, this time that of Andy Gray, the summariser: Yes, he really does have that ability, Martin. Look here, he really gets up, higher than Hyppia, who doesnt seem to know hes even there, he arrives so late, and then, bang! Fetch that out the net, son! Amazing, especially as we can see on the stats on the screen there that hes only five foot eight or so. Amazing spring!
Danny
Alright Vern, stop grinning.
Mayhem
He were wrong! I were right. Five fucking eight. Told ya that us brewers could measure!
Dave
Yeah, well, the perspective on the telly shrinks and expands things in a funny way.
Danny
Shrinks!? You said he were six two!
Dave
Well, perspectives a funny thing. When I was in the Civil Service .
Mayhem
Hes still taller than all of us lot.
Vernon
Speak for yourselves. Im a healthy six one.
Danny
Well then, Tiny Tim, its your fucking round.
Vernon
Awww, Id hoped you were all enjoying the debate too much notice. Same again, lads?
All
Aye, goo on then!
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