The adventures of Captain Wozzo. Chapter 2. By DA.
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It was a beautiful day. The sun shone like a big yellow ball.
<<Do big yellow balls usually shine?>>
Theres no poetry in your soul is there?
<<No. I trod on it.>>
Well the sun was shining anyway, and Captain Wozzo was feeling cheery. He whistled a happy tune, it was good to feel the wind in his hair.. err.. well it would have been in his hair if he had any, but you get the idea.
Just then the Captains hyper-ether-radio crackled into life Blasted thing! he complained, always crackling, I must mend it.
Supreme President (Solar System) here Wozzo, are you listening?
Eh? the captain exclaimed, veering all over the road as he twiddled various hyper-ether knobs, Come again?
Its the Supreme President! Pay attention! boomed the voice.
Ooh aah. Yes, err.. hello? The Captain selected Jazz on the equaliser to see if that made the Supreme President sound cooler.
Ah yes, thats Wozzo alright the Supreme President (Solar System) continued
<<Cant we shorten that a bit? If hes going to keep appearing itll use up far too many words.>>
Too many words? Is there a shortage?
<<Not when youre telling the story >>
OK, OK, well call him SPOTSS from now on, is that short enough?
Supreme President Of The Solar System, we cant do brackets in an abbreviation.
Its the Pretavians again Wozzo, theyre on the war-path. I want you to deal with them.
P P Pretavians? Wozzo stammered. He didnt like the Pretavians, the last time hed come across a Pretavian it bent his hat!
Where are they when theyre at home?
Pretavia of course you idiot! The problem is theyre not at home. Theyre in Crigley!
Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu But.. gibbered our intrepid hero.
Stop doing motor-boat impressions Wozzo. I want you to track the blighters down and get rid of em. Got it?
The Captain was just approaching a road sign which indicated Crigley straight on and Other Routes to the left. He wasnt sure where Other Routes was but he was seriously considering going there anyway
And dont go bunking off down that side-road, Ive got you on GUTS.
GUTS? queried the captain.
Geo-Universal Tracking System. You must have heard of it?
Oh, ah, hmm, yes, guts, marvellous!
Of course Wozzo had no idea about GUTS, hed been far too busy in his lab inventing much more useful systems like LASOWS, the Liquorice Allsorts Special Offer Warning System. This scanned the stock-control systems of all the major retailers looking for price reductions on his favourite sweets.
Or CRAP, the Coconut Rejecting Automatic Process which would remove the nasty coconut allsorts from the newly opened bag and chuck them out of the window.
Go get em Wozzo said the SPOTSS and the radio crackled out of life again.
There was nothing for it then, SPOTSSs GUTS would follow him wherever he went. He headed for Crigley and the Pretavians. At 23 miles per hour..
After five minutes a thought occurred. The Captains thoughts often occurred quicker than that but he was a little stunned by the news that his old enemy was back. He wondered what could have brought them here again? Surely the fright hed given them with PONG (Pretavian Oppilative Nerve Gas) should have kept them away for good. There must be something here they really wanted, if only he knew what it was..
Now, you may be wondering what Pretavians look like?
<<Oh yes! Im really-really interested in what Pretavians look like. Do they wear trainers or boots? And do they wear bobble-hats or baseball caps? Im dying to know.>>
Stop taking the mickey. This is serious!
<<Thats obvious, cant you put a few more jokes in?>>
Im doing my best but Pretavians are nasty things. They are very difficult to see on account of them being so small, and they travel by getting into peoples shoes.
<<Sorry I was just dozing off there. I thought you said in peoples shoes?>>
Yes, you know? When youre just having a nice walk, your shoes are comfy, alls well with the world and then suddenly it dawns on you that theres something in your shoe.
Apart from that! Something small and hard like a piece of grit.
<<Surely it is a piece of grit?>>
Nope. Its a Pretavian.
<<You amaze me! What a load of b..>>
Shhh! Its their ultimate weapon you see? No army can march for miles with grit in their boots, then the Preatvians can attack!
<<From inside someones shoes? Pretty difficult Id have thought.>>
No! They wait until the wearer takes off his shoes to empty out the grit, then they attack! They get into peoples eyes so they cant see properly and they steal their sweets. Bounty-bars usually.
<<They dont put the little cardboard tray in those anymore. I miss the little cardboard tray..>>
The Captain knew all this of course and so had designed PONG so that it rendered the Pretavians allergic to chocolate and odour-eaters.
<<Mmm! Chocolate and Odour-Eaters. My favourite supper!>>
They could no longer travel and they couldnt eat Bounties so they disappeared. The Captain got an OBE for that, he can now sign himself Wozzo MDMscProfOBE.
Medical Doctor, Batchelor of soup, <<You mean Science, surely?>> Oh yes, where was I? Bachelor of Science, Professor and OBE.
What a man!
What a Wally! muttered the Captain. He was stuck behind a man on a tricycle with a little box on the back labelled Brians delicious coconut snacks.
As you may have guessed, the Captain hated coconut.
Get out of the way! He shouted and pooped his horn well it wasnt really a horn, it was WATTS, (Wozzos Amplified Traffic Terrifying System) and it was seriously loud.
The man on the tricycle leapt at least a foot out of his seat and careered into the ditch whereupon he started wrenching off his boots and then began rubbing his eyes!
The Captains blood ran cold.. Pretavians!
He had found them...
<< "Dot dot dot" again eh? I suppose we're going to have to wait another 3 years for the next chapter are we? >>
Um, well... no actually...
<< Stop it, you'll use up all the dots. >>
<< Oh. >>
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