Watch out, there's a Pretavian about!
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Captain Wozzo Chapter 2. By DA.

The story continues (if you haven't read chapter 1 yet click here.)

It was a beautiful day. The sun shone like a big yellow ball.

<<Do big yellow balls usually shine?>>

There’s no poetry in your soul is there?

<<No. I trod on it.>>

Well the sun was shining anyway, and Captain Wozzo was feeling cheery. He whistled a happy tune, it was good to feel the wind in his hair.. err.. well it would have been in his hair if he had any, but you get the idea.


Just then the Captain’s hyper-ether-radio crackled into life “Blasted thing!” he complained, “always crackling, I must mend it.”

“Supreme President (Solar System) here Wozzo, are you listening?”

“Eh?” the captain exclaimed, veering all over the road as he twiddled various hyper-ether knobs, “Come again?”

“It’s the Supreme President! Pay attention!” boomed the voice.

“Ooh aah. Yes, err.. hello?” The Captain selected Jazz on the equaliser to see if that made the Supreme President sound cooler.

It didn’t.

“Ah yes, that’s Wozzo alright” the Supreme President (Solar System) continued

<<Can’t we shorten that a bit? If he’s going to keep appearing it’ll use up far too many words.>>

Too many words? Is there a shortage?

<<Not when you’re telling the story…>>

OK, OK, we’ll call him SPOTSS from now on, is that short enough?


Supreme President Of The Solar System, we can’t do brackets in an abbreviation.

<<Oh alright.>>

“It’s the Pretavians again Wozzo, they’re on the war-path. I want you to deal with them.”

“P P Pretavians?” Wozzo stammered. He didn’t like the Pretavians, the last time he’d come across a Pretavian it bent his hat!

“Where are they when they’re at home?”

“Pretavia of course you idiot! The problem is they’re not at home. They’re in Crigley!”

“Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu But..” gibbered our intrepid hero.

“Stop doing motor-boat impressions Wozzo. I want you to track the blighters down and get rid of ‘em. Got it?”

The Captain was just approaching a road sign which indicated “Crigley” straight on and “Other Routes” to the left. He wasn’t sure where “Other Routes” was but he was seriously considering going there anyway…

“And don’t go bunking off down that side-road, I’ve got you on GUTS.”

“GUTS?” queried the captain.

“Geo-Universal Tracking System. You must have heard of it?”

“Oh, ah, hmm, yes, guts, marvellous!”

Of course Wozzo had no idea about GUTS, he’d been far too busy in his lab inventing much more useful systems like LASOWS, the Liquorice Allsorts Special Offer Warning System. This scanned the stock-control systems of all the major retailers looking for price reductions on his favourite sweets.

Or CRAP, the Coconut Rejecting Automatic Process which would remove the nasty coconut allsorts from the newly opened bag and chuck them out of the window.


“Go get ‘em Wozzo” said the SPOTSS and the radio crackled out of life again.

There was nothing for it then, SPOTSS’s GUTS would follow him wherever he went. He headed for Crigley and the Pretavians. At 23 miles per hour..


After five minutes a thought occurred. The Captain’s thoughts often occurred quicker than that but he was a little stunned by the news that his old enemy was back. He wondered what could have brought them here again? Surely the fright he’d given them with PONG (Pretavian Oppilative Nerve Gas) should have kept them away for good. There must be something here they really wanted, if only he knew what it was..


Now, you may be wondering what Pretavians look like?

<<Oh yes! I’m really-really interested in what Pretavians look like. Do they wear trainers or boots? And do they wear bobble-hats or baseball caps? I’m dying to know.>>

Stop taking the mickey. This is serious!

<<That’s obvious, can’t you put a few more jokes in?>>

I’m doing my best but Pretavians are nasty things. They are very difficult to see on account of them being so small, and they travel by getting into people’s shoes.

<<Sorry I was just dozing off there. I thought you said “in people’s shoes”?>>

Yes, you know? When you’re just having a nice walk, your shoes are comfy, all’s well with the world and then suddenly it dawns on you that there’s something in your shoe.

<<Your foot?>>

Apart from that! Something small and hard like a piece of grit.

<<Surely it is a piece of grit?>>

Nope. It’s a Pretavian.

<<You amaze me! What a load of b..>>

Shhh! It’s their ultimate weapon you see? No army can march for miles with grit in their boots, then the Preatvians can attack!

<<From inside someone’s shoes? Pretty difficult I’d have thought.>>

No! They wait until the wearer takes off his shoes to empty out the grit, then they attack! They get into people’s eyes so they can’t see properly and they steal their sweets. Bounty-bars usually.

<<They don’t put the little cardboard tray in those anymore. I miss the little cardboard tray..>>

Shut up!

The Captain knew all this of course and so had designed PONG so that it rendered the Pretavians allergic to chocolate and odour-eaters.

<<Mmm! Chocolate and Odour-Eaters. My favourite supper!>>

They could no longer travel and they couldn’t eat Bounties so they disappeared. The Captain got an OBE for that, he can now sign himself Wozzo MDMscProfOBE.


Medical Doctor, Batchelor of soup, <<You mean Science, surely?>>  Oh yes, where was I? Bachelor of Science, Professor and OBE.

What a man!


“What a Wally!” muttered the Captain. He was stuck behind a man on a tricycle with a little box on the back labelled “Brian’s delicious coconut snacks”.

As you may have guessed, the Captain hated coconut.

“Get out of the way!” He shouted and pooped his horn… well it wasn’t really a horn, it was WATTS, (Wozzo’s Amplified Traffic Terrifying System) and it was seriously loud.

The man on the tricycle leapt at least a foot out of his seat and careered into the ditch whereupon he started wrenching off his boots and then began rubbing his eyes!

The Captain’s blood ran cold.. Pretavians!

He had found them...


<< "Dot dot dot" again eh? I suppose we're going to have to wait another 3 years for the next chapter are we? >>

Um, well... no actually...

<< Stop it, you'll use up all the dots. >>

It's here!

<<Oh goody.>> 


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