A Million Followers
by Martin David Edwards

 

 

‘I’ve got a million followers,’ Gloria said. She reached across the living room table and held out her phone to Pazienza. ‘The millionth is a blogger in Botswana.’

‘Botswana? As in Africa?’ Pazienza replied, chopsticks paused in her hand with a piece of sushi.

‘The country isn’t the point.’ Gloria tapped the screen. ‘A million followers was my goal.’

‘Congratulations.’ Pazienza popped the chopsticks into her mouth. ‘I bet Botswana is sunnier than London in the winter.’

‘Really.’ Gloria sighed. ‘We’re talking about achievements, not speculating on the weather.’

 ‘I did congratulate you, but you were too busy with your phone, again.’

Gloria’s phone buzzed. ‘I’ve got another follower,’ she said and glanced at her screen. ‘I can’t be tempted with Bali, as in Asia. Round numbers are neater. I’m deleting them.’ She tapped her screen once.

Pazienza pushed a plate across the table. ‘While we’re speaking of round numbers, eat more sushi.’

‘I’m full.’ Gloria picked up a sushi roll topped by pink, slivering tuna and dropped her fingers to her side.

A cat meowed and ran across the wood-panelled floor to Gloria’s fingers. It was orange, its stomach drooping on the wood.

‘Calypso needs to go on a diet,’ Pazienza said, clicking her chopsticks at the cat.

It hissed at her and nibbled at the salmon.

‘He’s my cat. Calypso is just a cuddly orange fluff ball,’ Gloria said.

‘We could go out and celebrate if you don’t want to eat,’ Pazienza replied.

Gloria picked up her phone again. ‘I should change into a little black number,’ she said, glancing at the screen. ‘Or not.’ Pushing the phone aside, she selected a pale grey sushi roll for the cat. ‘I’m not posting anymore. I’m free.’

 

 

An hour later, Gloria and Pazienza were sitting at a table in a bar. Gloria watched the other customers, beginning smiles of recognition which faltered into wrinkles. Pazienza checked out a menu on her phone. They were both wearing jeans and neither had ordered drinks.

‘Nobody recognises me incognito,’ Gloria said to Pazienza. ‘My followers must have gone on strike.’

‘You wouldn’t match your profile without your little black dress anyway,’ Pazienza replied. ‘Like a sunny beach in Bali when it’s raining.’

‘Rain is natural too.’ Gloria smiled in recognition at two girls entering the bar and gave a fingertip wave.

The girls ignored her and carried on talking to each other.

Gloria turned away from the bar quickly, her face reddening. ‘We’ll have Sex on the Beach cocktails, seeing as you’re in holiday mode,’ she said to Pazienza. ‘I’ll post pictures of the drinks on my page. We can make a love heart with the straws.’

‘I thought you had decided not to post any more updates,’ Pazienza replied.

‘I was testing the waters to see your reaction if I changed my mind.’ Gloria lowered her phone. ‘I’m always up for considering a change in direction.’

‘Change is healthy. We’ll have time to catch up on the other interests in our life, instead of posting twenty-four hours a day,’ Pazienza said and gestured for a waiter.

‘We’re already catching up, but one of us doesn’t appreciate the effort we’re making.’ Gloria reached for her phone then put it down on the table without checking the screen.

A waiter arrived at their table, tablet in-hand for taking their orders.

‘We’ll have Sex on the Beach for two,’ Pazienza ordered with a flash of a smile.

‘You’re in time for our Happy Hour. You can have two cocktails for the price of one.’ The waiter tapped on his tablet and left.

Gloria followed the waiter’s back to the kitchen. ‘The bar should train their staff in customer service. The waiter didn’t ask for a selfie with me.’

‘You’re retired and he did tell us it was Happy Hour,’ Pazienza replied.

 ‘We’re not leaving a tip.’

‘Forget tips. We should think of our next plans after reaching a million followers.’

‘My plans, not ours,’ Gloria snapped. She placed her phone to her side and crossed her arms.

Pazienza turned away from Gloria, their jeans facing in opposite directions. ‘I never suggested your followers were mine,’ she said.

‘Not like my flat.’

‘I thought you enjoyed having me to stay.’

‘I did.’

They watched the waiter returning with the cocktails on a tray. He glanced at Gloria’s phone and opened his mouth to speak. Then he walked away without saying anything.

‘Shyness won’t bring back his tip,’ Gloria muttered to Pazienza.

‘Let’s move beyond fame. We could focus on finding a flat to rent together and having a proper life,’ Pazienza said.

‘Being an influencer is a proper life.’ Gloria picked up her cocktail.

‘We’re supposed to be in a relationship, thinking about our future like couples do. Renting a flat together would be a small step.’ Pazienza raised her cocktail and clinked Gloria’s glass.

Gloria clenched her fingers on the stem. ‘I like my life as it is,’ she replied. ‘Signing leases together isn’t a small step. It’s a giant leap towards the unknown.’

‘How about a holiday, if you don’t want to look for a flat together? I’ve got two week’s leave to take. We could go anywhere you wanted.’

Gloria paused and took a slow sip of her cocktail. ‘I’m not going to Sicily.’

‘The weather’s warm.’ Pazienza said. ‘Almost as hot as Botswana. We could fly tomorrow morning and be eating pasta for lunch.’

‘We talked about meeting your family before. I don’t want your mother to insinuate I should be a man.’

‘My mother wouldn’t judge you. She was a hippy in her twenties.’

‘Italian hippies are only one step away from being good Catholics and sending people like us to Hell.’

 ‘I can see you’re tired. Let’s go back to the flat so you can have a rest.’

‘The avoidance of families through napping. I could have posted a new topic if I hadn’t sort of retired,’ Gloria replied with a wistful look at her phone.

‘What does ‘sort of’ mean?’ Pazienza asked.

‘It means to stop asking questions when I haven’t got any answers. Which one of us is paying?’

‘The one of us who is still employed,’ Pazienza replied and opened the credit card app on her phone.

 

 

Later that evening, Gloria and Pazienza were lying in bed together. The cat sat curled up on the end of the bed, licking his paws. The sun shone through the window, casting the bedroom in a golden glow. Gloria and Pazienza ignored the sun, busy checking their phones. Calypso shifted his stomach to catch the sun and purred.

‘I’ve found a new vegan sushi recipe,’ Pazienza said, still reading her phone. ‘We could explore the kitchen if we don’t want to change flats or go on holiday.’

‘No thanks. Calypso likes his fish,’ Gloria replied, swiping her screen left.

‘We could give Calypso a special treat, like chicken liver.’

The cat stopped licking his paws and perked his ears.

‘Gloria said. ‘We’re both happy with our sushi as it is,’ Gloria replied.

‘You mean you and our cat,’ Pazienza said.

‘My cat. And I know what he wants.’

Calypso meowed and resumed licking his paws.

‘But do you know what you want?’ Pazienza asked Gloria.

Gloria contemplated her phone, turned her head to look at Pazienza, then returned her attention to her phone. ‘I want to live in the moment, instead of obsessing about the future all the time.’

‘We can get lost if we don’t have any goals to plan for.’ Pazienza stroked a strand of hair that had fallen on Gloria’s brow.

‘I wish you’d stop speaking in the plural when you’re just referring to yourself,’ Gloria replied, flinching at Pazienza’s touch.

‘One thing we have in common is that we can both read each other’s minds.’ Pazienza edged closer to Gloria.

‘You’re right. Calypso wants his evening snack.’ Gloria moved away from Pazienza and pulled out a catnip stick from under her pillow.

The cat jumped up and nibbled at the catnip stick as Gloria stroked him under his chin.

Pazienza sat up in bed and looked at her. ‘How about a digital detox as a new goal we could share together? We could try leaving our phones off for twenty-four hours as a test.’ She paused. ‘Like going teetotal for the day when we’ve drunk too much Tequila.’

‘I drink Tequila by the shot, not the bottle.’

‘We could try for an hour. We might feel happier.’

Gloria looked up from the cat accusingly. ‘Who says I’m not happy?’ she asked.

‘Someone who loves you and cares about you,’ Pazienza pleaded.

‘Cats don’t have feelings. They only think about their stomachs.’

Calypso meowed.

‘At least try,’ Pazienza continued. ‘We could talk to each other about our future, without getting distracted by our phones.’

Gloria rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll switch off my phone if it will stop you nagging me for an hour.’

With a tap of their fingers and thumbs, Pazienza and Gloria switched off their phones and lay them on the bed.

They sat in silence, looking up at the ceiling. Calypso tugged at the phones with his paws, trying to push them onto the carpet.

‘The sushi,’ Gloria said.

‘I was wondering if you had forgotten,’ Pazienza replied. She got up from the bed and slipped on a dressing gown.

When Pazienza had left the bedroom, Gloria picked up her phone from in between the cat’s paws and switched it back on. The phone buzzed and she returned it to Calypso, unanswered.

In the kitchen, Pazienza opened the fridge. She took out six pieces of sushi, putting four pieces on one plate and two pieces on a second. Opening a cupboard, she then removed a tubular pack of biscuits and nibbled at them one by one, like a mouse. When the pack was empty, she discarded the wrapper in the bin and carried the two plates to the bedroom.

 

 

‘Sushi, as requested.’ Pazienza held out the two plates to Gloria on the bed. ‘How’s the detox going?’

 ‘I haven’t answered any of my messages. My followers will be afraid that I’ve died,’ Gloria replied.

‘You won’t die while you’ve got me to look after you.’ Pazienza sat on the bed and handed her the plate with four sushi. She laid the second plate in front of Calypso.

‘Instead of complaining about me not eating, you’ve gone on a hunger strike,’ Gloria said to Pazienza.

‘Life is about more than sushi,’ Patience replied.

‘Sharing used to be caring.’

 ‘You were more relaxed before you had a million followers. Since then, you only complain about us.’ Pazienza paused and waited for a reaction. ‘You’re lost,’ she said.

‘The lost me is the new me.’ Gloria tickled Calypso between his ears. ‘Not knowing where I am is endearing.’

‘I thought that I was endearing.’

‘You don’t purr.’

‘As you alluded to before, I do have feelings.’ Pazienza slid out a suitcase from underneath the bed. ‘Do you want me to find somewhere else to stay?’

‘I don’t want you to do anything, including obsessing about our future.’

Gloria dangled a sushi piece topped with avocado before the cat while Pazienza packed. ‘I’ve got another plan for the future you keep nagging me about. A million followers for me isn’t the end of the world but the beginning.’ Gloria picked up her phone, pointed it at the cat and started typing on the screen.

‘I thought we were detoxing.’ Pazienza frowned at the phone.

‘You were. I’ve been detoxing long enough. Life has no point if you’ve got no destination.’

‘Us being together could be your next goal.’

‘We wouldn’t get a million clicks. There wouldn’t be anything appealing in us.’ Gloria stroked Calypso’s chin and filmed him meowing at the phone.

Pazienza gripped the suitcase handle so tightly that her knuckles turned to white. ‘You could have said if you were seeing someone else. Are they the follower in Botswana?’

‘I have virtual, not personal, relationships with my followers.’ Gloria picked up the cat and cuddled him in her arms. ‘I’m setting up social media accounts for Calypso. He can have a million followers as my new goal.’

‘I shouldn’t be surprised I’ve been replaced by a cat. Feelings are too challenging for you.’ Pazienza turned her back to Gloria and marched out of the bedroom, her dressing gown flapping open. ‘Don’t worry about me leaving the flat naked. I’ll change in the bathroom,’ she said through the door.

Gloria held up Pazienza’s phone, lying on the bed. ‘Don’t forget to take your phone,’ she called out. With a scowl, she rubbed a tear from her eye.

 

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