Bert and Ernie and the DMV
by Martin Green

 

 

“What, you got your license?  How did that happen?”  Bert was talking to his friend Ernie, who had just gotten back from the California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) office.

“I don’t know,” said Ernie.  I thought for sure I’d flunked the written test.  I just guessed at all the answers.”

“So you can drive now?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait.  You want to go for a ride?”

“Uh, no thanks.”

 

 The director of the California DMV, who was a political appointee, was having a hastily called meeting with his staff.  “So you say that everyone who took the written test passed?  How did that happen?”

“There was some kind of glitch, a coding error or something,” said the Data Systems chief.  You remember we gave the contract to that tech startup because they had the low bid, way lower than everyone else?”

“I remember.  The CEO is the nephew of the Governor, I think.  So how many free passers are we talking about?”

“No more than a few thousand, I think.”

“A few thousand!  We can’t let that get out.  We’ll all be fired.”

“So what do we do?”

“Nothing.  We’ll wait and see what happens.”

“Isn’t that what President Trump is always saying?”

“Yeah.  We’ll still wait and see what happens.”

 

It did not take long before the consequences of letting teenagers like Ernie, oldsters who could barely see, politicians who drove after drinking at parties, speed demons and other people who were just bad drivers  out on California’s roads and highways were felt.  Traffic accidents soared, insurance claims overwhelmed auto insurance companies, highway patrolmen worked overtime, and courts were filled with people who’d been ticketed.  People were afraid to drive and stayed home.  Restaurants and malls were empty just as during Covid.  Even the state’s tourist industry suffered as out-of-staters opted to stay away from California’s dangerous roadways.

Then a disgruntled employee at the DMV,  who’d fixed the written test glitch but was not promoted, spilled the beans to a newspaper reporter.  Everyone at the DMV, as the Director had predicted, was fired.  There was a movement to recall the Governor.  President Trump, using his favorite word, said it was a disgrace.  California was in chaos. 

 

Bert was visiting Ernie, who was in the hospital after driving his car into a lamppost and had his license revoked..  “So,’ said Bert, “you’re going to take the driver’s test again?”

“Yes,” said Ernie.  “But this time I’ll do some studying and maybe take a couple of driving lessons.”

 “Good idea.”

 

 The California Employment Department, better known as the unemployment insurance agency, was going to update its antiquated data system.  The same tech company that had done the DMV written exam made by far the lowest bid and was awarded the contract.     

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