The Wizard 
by Michael Smith

 

 

“If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t look much like a wizard.”

“Oh, don’t you start, Kev. I’m fed up of people tellin’ me I’m not a real wizard.”

“You don’t even sound like a wizard.”

“Oh, yeah, and how many wizards you spoken to then, mate?”

“None, that I know of, but I certainly didn’t expect a Scouse accent. I didn’t know there were any wizards in Liverpool.”

“Birkenhead, actually.”

“Sorry. But you’ve got to admit, you’re not what a wizard is supposed to look like.”

“Oh, yeah, and what’re they supposed to look like then, Mr. know-it-all?”

“Well for a start, I’d always imagined a wizard being a bit taller. I mean, what are you, four foot ten?”

“Five feet, one and a half inches, actually!”

“And where’s your staff?”

“Don’t need no staff; I work on my own.”

“No, I mean that long stick you’re supposed to carry.”

“Oh, that. My mum took it off me. She said one day I’d ‘ave someone’s eye out with it.”

“The large, conical, floppy hat? I suppose it’s in the wash, is it?”

“How did you … ?”

“And you’ve not even got a beard.”

“I will have. One day …”

“… when you’ve started shaving, you mean. And where’s the long cloak?”

“My mum said I had to wear my anorak when I left ‘ome this morning, coz it looked like rain. But I got a real wizards cloak at ‘ome. Honest.”

“So, how did you get started as a wizard, then?”

“It was last year, when we had a careers talk at school, afterwards you had to have an interview with some old woman from the careers service who asked you lots of divvy questions, and then told you what to do with the next forty years o’ yer life.”

“So, she recommended you become a wizard?”

“Nah, she said, in her posh voice, that I would have difficulty finding suitable employment. Silly cow. She said I ‘ad no real qualifications … and a bad attitude. Or so my teachers ‘ad told ‘er. Bad attitude! Me? Ha!”

“So what did you say?”

“I told her I wanted a job where I could do lots of good for people … but with little effort. A job where I could work my own hours, and be my own boss. A job with travel prospects. A job with imagination. Oh, and attitude; coz my teachers said I had lots o’ that.”

“And what did she say?”

“She just smiled this stupid grin, looked over the top o’ ‘er glasses, and said it sounded like I wanted a job that don’t really exist; an imaginary job, like bein’ a wizard. Then she laughed. So, I told ‘er ‘Ta, very much’, and went straight to the school library, where I looked up what a wizard does. It sounded alright, so I thought I’d give it a go.”

“And?”

“So far, so good. I even tried to learn a few spells. I can even remember one of ‘em … I think?”

“And what wizarding have you actually done since leaving school, then?”

“Oh, quite a bit, mate.”

“Go on.”

“Well, it seems toads are an important part of wizarding. So, last week, I went down to the pond in the park and collected a few. I got them in a jar at ‘ome. You can come round and ‘ave a look it you want.”

“Toads? Why do you need toads?”

“They’re in loads of the recipes.”

“Recipes?! You mean spells.”

“Er, … yeah, spells, that’s right.”

“What else?”

“Hey, watch this it’s really impressive. Ready? Ta-da.”

“Is that it? You just pulled a black stick out of your anorak sleeve.”

“That’s not a black stick, Kev. That’s an actual wand.”

“A wand? Looks like a black stick to me. Where do you get it?”

“From me mum’s catalogue. It was only three shilling.”

“You’ve been had, mate. Three shillings for a black stick? And I thought wizards were supposed to be wise.”

“Listen, I’ve ‘ad enough of your negativity, right? I’m a wizard, and that’s that!”

“Okay, if you’re a wizard, let’s see you do some magic.”

“You think I can’t, don’t you?”

“Frankly, yes, I think you’re all talk, and no action.”

“Well, … well, … you’ll see …”

“Go on, then, do your stuff.”

“Well, er, well, …, what do you want to see?”

“I’d say pull a rabbit from a top hat, but as you’re only wearing an anorak with a hood, that’s going to be a bit tricky, isn’t it?”

“Haha.”

“I know, I know.”

“What?”

“Turn me into a statue. Alright?”

“Alright.”

“Alright, then. Off you go. Let’s see you do it.”

“Alright. Er, well, er, …, here goes then.”

“I’m still waiting. I’m still here, in the flesh, so to speak.”

“Don’t rush me, Kev.”

“These things take time, do they?”

“Er, yeah.”

“I’m still waiting.”

“Okay, okay. I’ve got to get me black stick out.”

“I thought you said it was a wand.”

“Er, yeah, s’right. A wand.”

“Come on then.”

“Er, … er, … abracadabra!”

“…”

“Kev?”

“…”

“Kevin?!”

“…”

“Stop messin’ about.”

“…”

“Kev, Kevin, mate. Sorry. I was only jokin’ about bein’ a wizard. I ain’t really.”

“… …”

“You’re freakin’ me out now, Kev.”

“… …”

“Stop starin’, will ya!”

“… … …”

“Kev!! At least blink, will ya!”

“… … … …”

 

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