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Changing Gardens. By DA.

It's all the rage this makeover business. Take over someone's house, slap some paint on the walls, erect an MDF plant-stand and you have a TV show... cheap!

Here's the next big thing: The retro garden makeover.
It goes like this....

Tosspot presenter: Standing in ornate garden filled with last-years makeover crazes.
"Well what are you going to do here Gavin?"

Pretentious garden "expert".
"I think this needs to be taken back to basics. A kind of neo-80's chique with a 'New reality' feel to it, you know, like your dad's garden had?"

"So how are you going to start?"

"Well, we'll rip up all this decking for a start, it SO 90's. Then we take up the eastern meditation grotto and put down a nice big square lawn."
"Down one side we'll have a straight crazy-paving path.."
"The big blue concrete wall over there we can knock down and that'll leave room for a gnome sanctuary"

Titters with excitement.

"At the end of the garden will be the centre-piece. I call it the 'Shed'! It'll really set off the compost heap which we will have there" (points in general direction of water-feature) and we'll replace that with a nice garden tap."

TP Gushes with enthusiasm and sycophancy. "And the front garden?"

"Oh we'll concrete that over so we can park a car on it. Any spare space we can fill with an old fridge or washing-machine."

"Well that sounds just fabulous. You have £12.50 to spend so let's get started!"

Viewers switch off in droves, crisis in TV industry, heads will roll etc....


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