Covid clarity at last
By our medical correspondent Weebit
The UK, or the Scottish or the Welsh or the Northern Irish
government have issued new guidelines. Unfortunately they're all different.
Now it says here that you can't travel unless you're going
somewhere. But you can't go anywhere to meet anyone unless it's in a pub where
they may or may not be able to serve alcohol, dependant upon which region
you're in because you might be in zone 1, 2 or 3 (except in Scotland or
If there are more than six people in your party then you can't
meet anyone else because there's a "rule of 6" which is nice and clear isn't
it? Unless of course you're travelling on a plane or a bus or a train when
there can be as many people as you like.
Or is that you can't meet anyone, anywhere ever again? To be
honest I've got no idea. I'm off to the pub, oh wait.. it's after six o-clock
so I can't go to the pub because I haven't booked..
Anyway, the message is this, "Keep Safe" whatever that might
mean, and remember, the government has it all in hand so there's nothing to
worry about.. [We're doomed! Ed.]
By our soccer correspondent Footie
Aargh! Where's the football? I can't find any football! What
am I going to do without football?
Still, it's good news that our great Premier League players
are still getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a week for doing sod-all
isn't it? Great going lads!
Pity the poor blokes who commentate on the matches aren't
getting paid though isn't it?
[No! You're fired... Ed.]
Flood , Fire
"End of world definitely nigh" reports our
So here's one in the eye for all you non-believers running
around sinning all over the place. Now see what's happened?
The All-seeing Wombat (or other deity of your choice) is
displeased with all the rampant consumerism and fornication and he (or she) has
caused these great disasters to come upon the human race! Not only that, but he
has brought upon you a shortage of bog-rolls, tins of beans and hand-sanitiser
gel! That'll teach you.
"What can we do to make amends?" I hear you cry. [No we
Lead a blameless life, buy The Big Issue, smile at yappy dogs
and don't kick them even a little bit, feed the birds [tuppence a bag?
Ed.], give a little whistle, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree,
say a little prayer for me, dance till you're dead, pump it up, walk like an
Egyptian [you're losing the plot now.. Ed.]
Yes well there's nothing you can do you see because it's all
too late! I'm off to stand on the top of Glastonbury Tor and wait for the alien
war-lords to pick me up. So long suckers!
[There's a vacancy for the post of religious correspondent
as of now. Ed.]
Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest
journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the
tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging
phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
PL = Probably Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we
only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm
information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!