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May 4th
Election Results.. everyone has won (again).
In Scotland there was almost a "hanging chads" situation when a new voting system confused so many voters that there was a danger of some poles being null and void. Despite this the Scottish Nationalist Party came through with 47 seats against Labour's 46. The SNP are, needless to say, very pleased.
Meanwhile, the Conservatives are delighted, The Lib Dems got 26% of the national vote and are "encouraged" and Labour are happy because they haven't done as badly as they thought they might have.
If only everyone were as optimistic as our politicians!April 16th
Des is doomed!
As the fallout from the "Cash for stories" cock-up continues. Now Tony Blair has pledged his "total support" for accident-prone defence-secretary Des Browne. A sure sign that he will be gone sooner rather than later.
Bye Des!
April 1st
Here on 24-hour rolling, round-the-clock, always-on, actuality, live and direct, on-the-spot, up-to-date, in-your-face, local, international, interplanetary NEWS!!...
nothing's happening.
-------------September 24th
Crash = popularity.
Britain was shocked to its core this week to hear that motoring journalist, Richard "Hamster" Hammond, had managed to crash a jet powered car at speeds in excess of 300mph whilst filming for "Top Gear". Every news bulletin carried updates on the diminutive dare-devil's progress. His popularity is now greater than ever.
Could this be an opportunity for other celebrities down on their luck? Perhaps Vanessa Feltz should take up bungee jumping (when they've strengthened the crane), Dave Lee Travis, Simon Dee and Tony Blackburn might scale Radio 1's transmitter mast - naked - in December, and I know they're not down on their luck but can I suggest that Ant and Dec are fired out of a canon, preferably off a cliff?
That's enough... Ed.
August 28th
Britain shivers in the rain.
Bloody typical bank-holiday weather isn't it? Who's idea was it to come camping in the Lake District anyway? There's a good reason there are so many lakes here, it never stops bleedin' raining that's why! Six hours stuck on the M6 for this.
Oh look now the tent's blown away, it's in that tree, go and fetch it dear and I'll pack up. If we start out now we'll be home by 3am, if we can get the car out of this muddy field. I wish the sun would come out...A typical Briton. (again)
July 15th
Britain sizzles in the sun.
Oooh it's hot! I don't like it too hot, do you? I mean, I like a bit of sunshine as much as the next man but blimey! And you can't sleep at night when it's too hot can you? It's this muggy heat you see, not like you get abroad. Something to do with polution I'll be bound, and you never see the govenment doing anything about it do you? They should give us all free beer and a few days off so we can enjoy it... never mind hose-pipe bans, they should get the air-conditioning working!
I'm off on my holidays next week, I expect it'll rain.. I don't like rain.A typical Briton.
June 10th
Football fever.
The World Cup tournament started yesterday, you can't escape it, even Google's got a football on its logo this week (see below).. but they seem to have distorted the ball so it looks like an american one. Now look! Footballs are ROUND (see left), otherwise they don't roll properly. OK? England are off to a good start by dint of getting their opponents to knock one into their own goal.
This is confusing, so for those who aren't quite familiar with the game, here are the rules:
Two teams of eleven players run on the field to booing and heckles from the beer-lubricated crowd (all blokes). A 23rd man ("the ref" otherwise known as "bastard") blows a whistle and the players all run about after the ball, occasionally taking turns to kick it. They also attempt to kick their opponents in the shins. They are able to distinguish their opponents by the colour of their shirts.
At some point the ball will inevitably get stuck in one of the nets which are situated at either end of the ground. This happens despite the efforts of the player who acts as a kind of guard in front of the net. The game then stops while the crowd shouts loudly and some of the players race around exposing their belly-buttons and jumping in the air whilst others look glum.
The game lasts 45 minutes then it stops for a bit and re-starts with the teams swapped round and goes on for another 45 minutes. This 45 minutes can be extended by "injury time" where players try to inflict as many injuries on themselves and their opponents as possible (see Wayne Rooney's foot). All the time "the ref" runs about with the players but he never gets a turn to kick the ball. This must annoy him as he often gets cross with the players and blows his whistle, at which point they all stop and argue with him. These interludes usually finish with one or more of the players being handed a yellow or red card. Red ones are much prized and the recipient always leaves the field, his job done for the day.
If nobody wins they kick lots of balls at the nets until someone gets one in. Why they don't do this to start with and save a lot of time and effort I don't know.
The crowd then disperses singing tunelessly.
T.
May 27th
And tonight's top story is..
Wayne Rooney's foot.
Blah blah blah Wayne Rooney's broken foot, blah blah metatarsal fracture, blah blah modern boots, blah blah blah World Cup blah blah, will he be fit in time blah blah, reporter waiting outside hospital blah blah, Alex ferguson blah blah, Sven-Goran Eriksson blah blah blah bloody blah.
And in other news: The world has ended.
MT.
May 20th
Load of balls on TV again
The live National Lottery draw was interrupted tonight by a gang of men variously describing themselves as "Families Against The Lottery" and "Fathers 4 Justice". They rose from the audience as one and rushed the stage where affable Irish-man Eamon Holmes his beautiful assistant what's-er-name were left dumb-struck.
As the vision faded to a caption we were left with the mellifluous tones of Alan Deddicoat to assure us that everything was all right really.
We, of course, wanted to see the fracas but it was not to be. I imagine Holmes sitting on one of the protesters whilst Deddicoat bored the others into submission. I wish I'd been allowed to see it all...
T.
May 15th
Muslim pupils to be taught "British Values"
There are some superb initiatives coming out of Westminster these days. Following quickly on from Tony's assertion that all this "human rights" business has gone too far.. it's not in the public interest evidently.. the latest is the idea to reduce discontent amongst young British Muslims by schooling them in British Values.
British Values. Nice idea, but what exactly are they?
Lager drinking must rate pretty highly, get them all tanked up so they can't think straight. Then there's football violence, not random terrorism you understand but GBH directed squarely at fans of the opposing team, the British way!
Eating Pizzas and chips would appear to be fundamental to British culture as would vomiting in the streets on a Friday night.
I'm not sure that they're ready for all this, they're probably too busy studying, going to the Mosque and such.
Oh well, our government must know best mustn't they?
Hmm?
T
May 9th
New initiative makes for safer roads.
Driving on overcrowded British roads is hazardous enough without having to contend with the stupid behavior of some motorists so we should all welcome the introduction of new identifying marks to be displayed by drivers of below average intelligence.
Previous useless-driver identifiers such as baseball caps worn backwards, flat caps (or indeed any kind of hat) "baby on board" notices and "I've been to (insert name of dull holiday resort) " pennants were difficult to spot until one was in close proximity, and thus, danger.
The new symbol is clear and simple, and some particularly hopeless drivers are displaying large versions flying from small poles above the car roof. You can't miss them!
If you should come across a driver displaying one of these symbols you can safely assume them to be intellectually challenged. Give them a wide berth, expect unpredictable behavior and possible violence if challenged. You have been warned.
The symbol is shown below.
L
New symbol for "Driver of Low Intelligence"
May 1st
Great week for British Politics
At last something exciting has been happening in Westminster and, it seems, in John Prescott's bedroom. Passing over the distasteful image of "Two Shags" and his diary maid (sorry. "diary secretary") we come to:
The home secretary, Mr. Rumbold from Are You Being Served, letting out all the prisoners so as to keep the numbers down and reduce prison food bills. Unfortunately many were supposed to be deported on release and nobody didn't not tell somebody else about it and they've all gone... somewhere; and are continuing murdering, raping stealing or whatever is their stock-in-trade with impunity.
Meanwhile schoolma'am-ish Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt tried to lecture a rebellious annual conference of the Royal College of Nurses. They weren't having it! Oh no.
Heckling wasn't the word for it. She was panned, harangued, humiliated and hung out to dry.
Evidently they didn't like being told how great it was in the NHS by someone who wasn't in it when many of their number are being threatened with redundancy. Can't understand why she set her self up for it myself.
If I were Patricia I'd be busy giving my diary secretary a good seeing to!And the best thing is.
It's all true!
T
March 30th
We are receiving reports that a number of practical jokes which were being made ready for April 1st have escaped into the wild and could affect anyone at any time.
An outbreak of whoopee cushions has already caused considerable embarrassment on a bus in Crawley this afternoon and "kick me" notices have appeared on the backs of several unsuspecting traffic wardens in Byfleet.Office workers are warned not to rush into little-used store rooms in case there is a bucket of water balanced on top of the door, and that toilets must be checked carefully for cling-film across the pan before use.
Government anti-joke squads are patrolling affected areas wiping the smiles off people's faces and telling all and sundry to "grow up".
You have been warned.
UB
March 16th
Do you speak hippo?
An orphaned hippo calf called "Owen" was introduced to a 120 year old giant tortoise at a wildlife sanctuary in Kenya recently. Owen was lonely and decided to have a chat with the tortoise (whose name is Mzee) and they struck up a great friendship. They sleep together, follow each other around (not very challeging for Owen but a great effort for Mzee) and they talk. Owen says "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and Mzee replies "grrrmmmm" which is unusual in itself as he's not been heard to utter a sound for the previous 119 years. We can only speculate as to what they may have to say to eachother but it probably goes something like this:
Owen- "Alright?"
Mzee- "Alright?"
Owen- "Humans eh? What are they like!"
Mzee- "You haven't seen the half of it mate."
Owen- "They've rescued me though."
Mzee- "That's what I thought... but just you try and leave. I should've been in Somalia in 1980.. I'm a bit late now."
Owen- "Hmmm. Yes well I'll just go for a bit of a stroll."
Mzee- "Hang on, I'll come with you, hey! wait a mo, I'm not as quick as I used to be.... puff... Bloomin' kids!"March 3rd
Be Nice!
Policemen are no longer allowed to give "young offenders" a clip around the ear when they are caught being cheeky. In Blair's Britain they get an "ASBO" (Anti-Social Behavior Order). The young lad from Northumberland pictured here has been given an ASBO for making rude gestures in the street. We are sure that this will stop him doing such a thing ever again.
February 1st
Do you realise how fast you were going sir?
A policeman arrested for doing 159mph in his Police car was let off last year because he said he was practicing fast driving.. "That's OK then" said the judge, "Give my regards to Binky when you see him at the lodge won't you."
Unfortunately for him there was such an outcry that the case has been re-opened and he's probably "going down" this time. Presumably under the watchful eye of a rather less "sympathetic" judge?
It's a tonic for us all who have to suffer the "holier than thou" attitude of a traffic cop when he pulls one of us over to point out that we have failed to keep our number-plate clean or some such footling offence, to see justice being meted out to such a buffoon.
The excuse that he could only practice high speed driving on the M54 is staggeringly ridiculous. Has he never heard of "track days" at one of Britain's many fine road-racing circuits? I'm sure the Police could arrange a session for him... after all, he's not going to be driving on the public roads for some time (we trust).
MT
January 27th '06
Was whale killed by Ken?
Vets investigating the demise of a whale which had mistakenly swam up the Thames through London have found a clue as to why it may have expired.
The remains of a wheel clamp was found, hanging from the animal's fin. It seems it must have been put there by an over zealous traffic warden when the whale became beached. He had noticed that the whale had no tax disk and was obviously traveling through central London with no intention of paying the congestion charge.
UB
January 19th 2006
Burns Victim in BB House
A Gorilla Pete Burns There was trouble in the Big Brother House today when ex Dead Or Alive singer and plastic-surgery enthusiast Pete Burns had to hand over his fur coat to police. He had claimed that it was made from real gorilla fur.
Gorillas are of course a protected species.
Big Brother's "celebrities" aren't.
January 17th 2006
Green Light for Red Lights.
Government ministers are looking into prostitution, nothing unusual about that of course.
They don't like the idea of girls walking the streets looking for clients, it's too cold at this time of year and the "clients" keep damaging the alloy wheels of their ministerial cars whilst Kerb-crawling.
So they have come up with the idea of replacing the street-walkers with two women in a flat. Now I don't have much personal experience of prostitution but I imagine that these two girls are going to be rather over worked...MT (apart from the bit about ministers visiting prostitutes, that obviously can't be true...)
December 9th
Tory young-bloods check in.
New Tory leader, 39 year-old David Cameron, got off to a great start when he used his position of youth to harangue the Labour government for being "Yesterday's men with yesterday's policies". He then appointed Ken Clark, William Hague and Iain Duncan-Smith to his shadow cabinet.
Doh!
T
December 6th
It's for you Bonzo.
A bone-shaped cell-phone for dogs is due to be launched in the USA (why are we not surprised?...) next March. The PetCell fits to the dog's collar and is "paws free", being an auto answering speaker-phone. Not only that, but your dog gets sat-nav built in so there's no excuse for him getting lost when fetching your paper and slippers. Can't see how they're going to text eachother though...
T
(true)
Yes it is, honest! See here if you don't believe us.
November 26th
Drunk bloke dies!
A wife-beating ex footballer who drank until his liver gave up, had a transplant and then did it again has finally died. A nation mourns...
T!
November 19th
The culture of binge-drinking is spreading world-wide. We hear from our New Zealand correspondent that those "rats of the sky", pigeons, have taken it up. They are getting drunk on fermented fruit and falling senseless out of the trees.
Local vets then scoop them up, de-tox them and send them on their way. Sounds like a lesson to us all. Why don't we send teams of vets round to scoop up the drunks as they fall out of the pubs, de-tox them, put a ring around their legs, then release them somewhere far away and see if they can find their way home?T
October 3rd
Gorillas use tools say scientists.
Scientists in the Congo have observed gorillas using tools viz a stick to navigate a river. First our hairy cousin tested the depth of the water with his newly obtained implement, then he used it to steady his progress across the fast-flowing watercourse. Great!
I could have told those scientists that gorillas use tools... you should've seen the builders we had in to repair the garage! Cor blimey etc.MT
A bit predictable surely? Ed.
September 19th
Nobody wins German election
It seems that the German general election has ended in a tie with the CDU/CSU and the SPD having each earned about 35% of the vote. In Britain this would just mean that the Labour party would pal up with the Liberal Democrats to gain a working majority. Unfortunately for Germany, the minor parties hate the major parties so much that they are loath to team up with either of them.
Principles winning-out over the possibility of power? We'll see how long that lasts!Below: Some German politicians who didn't quite win...
Judy Finnigan
Terry Wogan
T
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September 9th
Dyisllexaia duzn't egzist sez docta.
Turns out little Johnny's inability to read is down to him having reading difficulties, not some magic disease called Dys.. err.. you know the one.
Trouble is, that doesn't sound very good does it? Reading difficulties are what thick kids have aren't they? Little Johnny is bright so we'll have to think of some other name that middle class parents can use won't we?
Let's see, how about MCKRD? (Middle Class Kid's Reading Disorder) that's better!MT
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August 22nd
And now the world news:
Mariah Carey says she Didn't have it off with Emineminem but he says she did and that she wants more and she says she never did and he's a big fat liar and anyway he was no good in bed, probably because he was always taking sleeping pills.. and then there's that Courtney Love who Did have it off with Steve Coogan for 24 hours and is up the stick but he says he can't remember anything about it because he was taking some other pills and wasn't sleepy (obviously) and she's a bit disappointed and has told the papers so it must be true.LF
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August 13th
Computerised Bugle blows up a storm.
The Britsh army has been testing an electronic bugle that can play the Last Post and other popular tunes without the aid of a skilled bugler. Recent tests have given mixed results. At one particularly embarrassing event Colonel Leftbridge Fotheringay Ffitch was being lowered into his grave, the bugler lifted the instrument to his lips and the strains of "The Girl From E-Panema" by the Peruvian Nose-flute All-Stars issued forth. A swift re-prgramming was attempted but all that could be coaxed from the the electro-bugle was the theme tune to Roobarb and Custard.
Plans to use it at future high-profile events have been put on hold.LB
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May 13th
Can you see what it is yet?
Rolf Harris, children's artist and man who infamously recorded Led Zep's Stairway to Heaven having never even heard the original, is to paint a portrait of the Queen.
He claims it'll be "impressionistic", so let's hope Her Majesty is fully prepared for a Jake The Peg extra leg or a Two Little Boys wooden horse.
If not, it'll be more than his kangeroo that's tied down...T
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May 6th
British Election News.
It's over.
You can come out now.
Nothing's changed much.
Give it a couple more days before you turn on the TV / Radio or read a newspaper though...
T
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May 4th
Cowboy Clampers Immobilised.
British car parks are set to be safer as new regulations to curb the activities of cowboy clampers come into force.
From now-on, anyone found clamping a cowboy in a car-park will be locked up.
I should think so too! This sort of cruelty has to stop...MT
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May 1st
Sorry beast, wrong number.
It has been revealed that the number 666 may not be that of "the beast", his number is actually 616. The mistake was made many centuries ago in a transcription of the New Testament say scientists who have unearthed a third century manuscript.
This of course has consequences, firms such as Ranch 616 who serve South Texas cuisine might face a religious backlash whilst the whole telephone area of Michigan (yes it's area code 616) is now cursed.
Manufacturers who have studiously avoided products with the number "666" in them now find their "616" models are now blighted. Sorry Nokia.. makers of the Devil's phone.Another consequence is that the moniker of "The Devil's Road" must transfer from the A666 Pendlebury to Langho road, to the A616 Newark-on-Trent to Huddersfield road. It's a toss-up whether getting lost in Blackburn or Sheffield is more devilish.. Let the old Lancashire / Yorkshire rivalry continue.
T
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April 28th
Exploding Toad Mystery Solved.
We're indebted to IT News site The Register for the solution to the perplexing problem of Hamburg's exploding toads. Evidently the animals were swelling to enormous size and then going off "pop" with disastrous results (for the toads). The villain of the piece it seems was not radiation or pollution of the water, but crows.
Yes, the unattractive black birds with the worst song since Busted split, are the culprits. They peck holes in an unfortunate toad to get at its liver. The toad, naturally affronted by this, employs its natural defence mechanism vis. it puffs itself up to look big and frightening. Unfortunately the damage done by the crow allows air from the lungs to enter the abdomen and the toad just keeps huffing and puffing until he bursts...
Anyone got any waterproof elastoplasts? Best ship them to Hamburg.T
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April 20th
Pope smokes.
New pope Benedict XVI was today censured by Euro pollution officials after first white then black smoke was released from a chimney on the Sistine Chapel.
"This is a smokeless zone and we take a very serious view of this breach of the regulations" said a spokesperson before being damned for eternity by an unexpectedly large contingent of Cardinals.UB
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April 3rd
Jane Austen is American!
Scottish production company Ecosse Films is set to cast Anne Hathaway in the role of Jane Austen in a forthcoming film about the author.
She sounds like a nice English girl doesn't she? Of course she's absolutely gorgeous, as anyone in a film must be, but she's also from the USA..."Gee Mr Rochester, I can so smell burning!"
It'll be another winner, at least for British voice coaches.
T
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April 2nd
Roy of the Readers.
The devisors of a scheme to encourage children to pick up a book and read, have enlisted the services of Premier-league footballers. These "role models" are not noted for their ability to speak coherently let alone read, so it's interesting to see what books they've chosen:
Many of the titles are, unsurprisingly, children's books like The Little Prince chosen by Moritz Volz of Everton or Roald Dahl's The Twits by Steve Clemence of Birmingham City. (I'm making no comment on that one!) If you prefer looking at the pictures you can try Lomana LuaLua's choice of a nice Tintin comic book. (There's nothing wrong with Tintin! Ed)
Presumably these are the last books they remember reading?Wayne Roony doesn't seem to be represented so maybe he really can't read books, only bank statements? We can also speculate what book recently released prisoner Jermaine Pennant of Birmingham City would choose; something by Jeffrey Archer perhaps?
There are some worthy titles but you wonder if they've been chosen for effect.. how many kids does Ryan Giggs hope to inspire to wade through Nelson Mandella's Long Walk To Freedom for instance?
Still it's a laudable idea and we wish them success. Just don't have nightmares after reading Stephen King's If, if you're a 10 year-old footie fan.
T
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March 31st
Royal Gaffe
Prince Charles landed himself in hot water despite sitting in the snow with William and Harry this week.
In an aside to his boys he described BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell as "An awful man" whom he "couldn't bear", which, as anyone who has seen Witchell knows, is way off the mark.
He is, in fact, an obnoxious little ginger upstart who was only given the job of royal correspondent to get him out of the way of the serious journos at the BBC.It was then wondrous to see journalists trying to take the moral high ground, pontificating about how he shouldn't have said such a thing, when everyone else in the country agreed with him!
Charles wins this week's "Grumpy Dad" award.
T
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March 20th
Britain "not freezing cold" shock!
As temperatures soared to an incredible 15 degrees Celsius over Southern England this weekend, crowds flocked to enjoy the sunshine. Brighton beach was crammed with revellers who divested themselves of all but their wind-cheater sweaters and furry boots in order to bask in the mildness.
"I haven't experienced anything like this since last year" cried a middle-aged man in an anorak "Look! I've not got it zipped all the way up!" he proudly boasted before his wife took him away to sit in the car with a flask of tea.Weather forecasters predict rain.
T-ish
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February 21st
Footballer's wife gives birth (surgically of course)
Victoria and David Beckham have a new baby son whom they are to name "Cruz", a girl's name in Spain. That's not the only problem the newborn may have to contend with; we asked Mystic Marge to asses his future prospects via her crystal ball...
Well, the boy is born in Pisces and he will be a visionary. This could be a problem for him as his parents... err... aren't. He should be charitable though, which may help I suppose?
I see that he will have no talent for football or singing, rather like his mother, and he will be artistic so he'll be able to tell them how naff most of their stuff is!Oh. Aah. Yes, thanks Marge and shut the door on your way out.
MT
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February 19th/21st/22nd
Here comes the Winamop consumer watchdog. Lamp-posts look out!
Shock-horror in the food retailing industry today as supermarkets rush to reassure us that the processed crap they're selling us isn't carcinogenic after all.. even when a batch of a banned food-colouring got used in the making of some "Worcester Sauce" (not Lea and Perrins of course!) used in all sorts of pre-processed products.
We decided to investigate, nothing strenuous you understand, just sitting in front of the PC looking at the corporate web-sites of the major British supermarkets.
We soon found mention of the "Sudan I" product recall on Sainsbury's web-site with a full list of all their affected products.
Hats off to Sainsbury's then. Elsewhere things weren't so good...
Tesco, Morrisons/Safeway, Somerfield, Asda and M&S had not a word to say on the subject but kept blah-ing on about how much they cared about their quality and our well-being. Yeah, right!
Lidl's web-site informed us that they were cheap and showed us some ladies in underwear to prove the point whilst Aldi's top news story was that their Soupreme (sic) Tomato Soup at 27p "Has a smashing tangy flavour and a nice smooth texture. I love it. More please!"
Sadly, with all this "useful" information on their web-sites they couldn't find space for the recall information either.Disappointing I think you'll agree, but we didn't rest on out laurels; we ordered the lingerie... err... no we didn't! We e-mailed the stores to ask why they didn't publish the information.
Let's see what they say.T
Update: Monday 21st:
Well, the responses have flooded in, from Somerfield at least! They promised to have the information on their website this morning and, good as their word, they did. Better late than never Somerfield!
Meanwhile over at M & S, they didn't reply but they do now have a list and Asda have put a link on their front page to the FSA site, but have forgotten to change the "ALT" tag so it says it'll take you to their wine dept...
Tesco (Britain's biggest supermarket), Morrisons/Safeway, Aldi and Lidl appear to have done bugger-all!
This is absolutely appalling on the day the FSA announced that they have added a further 38 products to the list of contaminated products. It really does conjure up a picture of the shopkeeper calling out "Roll up, buy our quality food, it's good for you!" whilst his assistant hides a large barrel labelled "Poison" behind a curtain.
If only I could draw.
Update: Tuesday 22nd:
Tesco have replied! They're considering updating their website and sent some Excel spreadsheets of their affected products. By the time they update the website people will have eaten all the stuff they had in the kitchen...
The wobbly-trolley award must go to Morrisons though... No reply, no information. They just don't care do they? Shop elsewhere.
February 18th
The Smartie tube is to be axed!
Gone will be the joy of finishing the last crunchy-coated chocolate bean and then thumping the empty tube so that the top pops off across the classroom hitting Dianne Creely in the ear, landing you in detention again.
Ah happy days.... (sighs, turn and shuffles sadly back to dusty desk.)
T
Note: For our American readers, Smarties are candy-coated chocolates sold in the UK since 1937. They come (came) in a cardboard tube with a tight-fitting plastic lid.
See here for more Smartie info than is really healthy.
February 10th
Flatpack fracas.
The district of Edmonton in North London was brought to a standstill early this morning as thousands turned up for the midnight opening of a new Ikea store. Some had waited up to 11hrs for this momentous occasion but it all turned sour when crowds surged and tempers flared.
"My STAMNING got squashed and my FACKLA's bent." complained Donald Toup of Hendon, whilst Linda Gretch failed to escape with her KAXAS intact.
Others were even less fortunate "I couldn't even get my hands on a POANG, they'd all gone!" cried Mary Mullet "And Brian's SKYRUVSTA will never swivel again... I think they're a load of BASTANT baskets"
I came across a crest-fallen man staring at a pile of splintered chipboard, "What's that?" I enquired.
"FAKTUM" he replied.
"Yes it does seem to have". I replied.cont'd page 94 of the Ikea catalogue.
MT
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February 7th
A man was arrested after an attempted break-in at a snack bar went wrong.
He was disturbed and had to make a run for it, but in the scramble to escape his false teeth fell out.Police were able to trace the offender from his National Insurance number which was stamped on the teeth.
Time for some old chestnuts:
The Police like a case they can get their teeth into!
I expect they sent for Gnasher of The Yard?
Some incisive detective work there!
Smile son you're nicked... oh sorry you can't can you!
You've really got into a scrape this time.
It's a (tooth) brush with the law.For goodness sake stop this now! (Ed.)
T
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February 2nd
Britain has a new political party!
As if the Monster Raving Loony Party and the UK Independance Party weren't enough, we now have "Veritas" courtesy of our old friend Robert "Kilroy" Silk... Yes, the bloke who left UKIP just a couple of weeks ago, the bloke who was booted-out of the BBC last year.
We wanted to find out what Veritas stands for (yes I know it literally means "truth" but that can't be right if Kilroy's involved) so we looked on the web until we found the Veritas web-site.They can't be all bad can they? Nice bit of meditation on the beach... lovely!
See you in Worthing for the BBQ, I trust Bob's bringing the Champagne?MT
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January 21st
The UK Independence Party was tonight in sombre mood as its star recruit Robert "Kilroy" Silk left in a huff. "We're really sad to see him go" said a spokesman who seemed to be overcome with grief as his shoulders started shaking and he tried to hide the tears behind his handkerchief.
Silk used to present a bad "Jerry Springer" type TV show which was dropped by the BBC after he made some un-PC remarks in a newspaper.
I understand that the BBC were similarly upset to see him go...T
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January 7th
An item in The Independent today caught WINAMOPIAN attention as the very stuff to stiffen British sinews against the awful tide of terror:
"A Dorset farmer's suspicions about a group of Muslim men looking at his goats became part of Home Secretary David Blunkett's case for using emergency powers to detain two asylum seekers.'
Well, of course it did! Good old Blunkett can smell gross criminality at a distance of one hundred miles when odious foreigners are involved in ghastly gatherings in wet fields! We can easily imagine these conspirators closeted in dingy attics in Battersea discussing the vile deeds they will commit in pursuit of their campaign of horror. Shall we creep out and peer at pigs in Pontypool? Leer at poultry in Leatherhead? Frown at foals in Feltham? Stare at stoats in Somerset or hedgehogs in Hereford? No, wait, we have it! Goats are famed in fable as the familiars of witches and favourites of the Devil. They devour nettles, bump babies, and chase coppers up alleys. The very beasts to terrify the yokels of Dorset. Off we'll go, boys, and gaze at goats.
Blunkett's advisers, of course, considered carefully: With what crime shall we charge these dangerous alien intruders? Eh? Er, Dunno. But in the meantime let's lock 'em up and fling away the key. That will give a good impression. Show we're vigilant, and have everything under strictly tight and tightly taut control. Yippee! An emergency at last. Good old Blunk! What a pity he's gone off to spend more time with someone else's family. He will return, never fear, he will return... Malefactors beware!
T
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January 1st 2005
Binge-drinking, a special report. By Hogmanay O'Booze.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear!
Never again...
What was I thinking? That bottle of Sambuca's been at the back of the cupboard for years, why did I decide to drink it last night?... and my eyebrows appear to have gone, I suppose I must have tried to flame it too?.. And the 18 year old scotch, that hasn't gone has it?... Oh dear.
The vintage claret? We drank that too?... Damn!
And the toilet duck? Mmmm, that left a nice fresh feeling in the mouth didn't it?
Excuse me a minute whilst I go to the bathroom.... see you in a week or so...LF
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Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained faces.
Key:
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
PL = Probably Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!
