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In the current edition of your bore-away Winamop Times:

Latest:

The top stories

Feature:

Page 94, our satirical essay. Cheer up, it could be worse..

News archive yesterday and beyond...

Other articles

 

Covid clarity at last

By our medical correspondent Weebit Peaky

The UK, or the Scottish or the Welsh or the Northern Irish government have issued new guidelines. Unfortunately they're all different.

Now it says here that you can't travel unless you're going somewhere. But you can't go anywhere to meet anyone unless it's in a pub where they may or may not be able to serve alcohol, dependant upon which region you're in because you might be in zone 1, 2 or 3 (except in Scotland or Wales).

If there are more than six people in your party then you can't meet anyone else because there's a "rule of 6" which is nice and clear isn't it? Unless of course you're travelling on a plane or a bus or a train when there can be as many people as you like.

Or is that you can't meet anyone, anywhere ever again? To be honest I've got no idea. I'm off to the pub, oh wait.. it's after six o-clock so I can't go to the pub because I haven't booked..

Anyway, the message is this, "Keep Safe" whatever that might mean, and remember, the government has it all in hand so there's nothing to worry about.. [We're doomed! Ed.]

T


Football News

By our soccer correspondent Footie McFoot-Mouth

Aargh! Where's the football? I can't find any football! What am I going to do without football?

Still, it's good news that our great Premier League players are still getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a week for doing sod-all isn't it? Great going lads!

Pity the poor blokes who commentate on the matches aren't getting paid though isn't it?

[No! You're fired... Ed.]


Pestilence tick!, Flood tick!, Fire tick!.

"End of world definitely nigh" reports our religious correspondent.

So here's one in the eye for all you non-believers running around sinning all over the place. Now see what's happened?

The All-seeing Wombat (or other deity of your choice) is displeased with all the rampant consumerism and fornication and he (or she) has caused these great disasters to come upon the human race! Not only that, but he has brought upon you a shortage of bog-rolls, tins of beans and hand-sanitiser gel! That'll teach you.

"What can we do to make amends?" I hear you cry. [No we don't. Ed]

Lead a blameless life, buy The Big Issue, smile at yappy dogs and don't kick them even a little bit, feed the birds [tuppence a bag? Ed.], give a little whistle, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, say a little prayer for me, dance till you're dead, pump it up, walk like an Egyptian [you're losing the plot now.. Ed.]

Yes well there's nothing you can do you see because it's all too late! I'm off to stand on the top of Glastonbury Tor and wait for the alien war-lords to pick me up. So long suckers!

[There's a vacancy for the post of religious correspondent as of now. Ed.]

UB


 

Be assured that Winamop operates to the very highest journalistic standards, all our stories are rated for truthfulness (if only the tabloids would do that!). We also drink vast amounts and are experts at bugging phones, shoving our feet in your doors and our cameras in your tear-stained faces.

Key:

T = True story

MT = Mostly true

L = Lies

PL = Probably Lies

LF = Lies based on Facts

UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!

Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!



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