Out of date news... yesterday's papers
The runners and riders
by our political correspondent Bert Kuenssberg
And they're off!
The all new exciting "snap" election 2017 is go!
Here in your soaraway Winamop Times we bring you all the
candidates for prime-minister of the (dis)United Kingdom.
Theresa May Conservative
Replaced David Cameron as Prime Minister when he flounced
off in a huff after ballsing up the remain campaign.
Hasn't been elected as prime Minister, just got the job by
being in the "right place right time" but will do anything to remain in power.
Campaigned to stay in the EU but now promises to take
Britain out. Has no principles as far as we can see.
Considered sexy by Tory MPs. Has a lot of shoes.
Jeremy Corbyn (what's) left
of the Labour Party
Elected as Labour leader by a lot of lefties pining for
the good old days when they were never in government.
Fulfilling remit as polls would seem to suggest that
they'll never be in government again.
Lives in a trendy champagne-socialist area of London and
is thus entirely unaware of how the rest of the country works.
Eats carrots and wears brown brogues.
Nick Clegg Liberal
Oh no, hang on... it's not him any more is it? He lost his
seat at the last election after his great success in coalition.
They got some no-hoper in instead, now what was his
Ah yes I've got it. It's Wallace off of Wallace and Gromit
isn't it? His name is..
Tim Farron Liberal
If you only had eight people from which to choose a party
leader you'd probably end up choosing Tim.
No? Oh go on, he's quite harmless bless him. He's a
Christian you know. He recently managed to get into a controversy about whether
he approved of gay sex. "Not just now thanks, I'm on the radio" would've been
the best reply but he had to umm and err about it until it was all over the
Nobody asked the others about gay sex, perhaps they had
more important things to discuss?
Still, it deflected the media from his lack of good policy
Wears suede loafers.
UK Independence Party
Took over from popular man-about-pub Nigel Farage when
Nige saw the writing on the wall and left to suck up to Donald Trump.
Comes from Liverpool and therefore considers himself a
Led his party to a total wipeout in the recent council
elections but considers that UKIP's future is "very bright".
Probably wears trainers..
Sturgeon Scottish Nationalist
Took over from previous fish-surnamed leader Alex
Salmon(d) and led the party to almost total domination of the Scottish
Amazingly she has 56 of the 650 MPs in Westminster. 56!
There are only 5 million people in Scotland for goodness sake. 56? Talk about
punching above your weight!
The SNP have only one policy, to leave the UK. The clue is
in the name. Problem is, an awful lot of Scots voted for Brexit so leaving the
UK too would leave them a little short of subsidies to live on.
Probably best to keep your head down and go with the flow
Wears very small vey smart shoes chosen by her image
Caroline Lucas Green
Shares leadership with some bloke who we never see.
Seems like a nice lady.
Not a snowball's chance in Hell of getting to be PM.
Wears biodegradable shoes.
Nothing's happened yet...
Aaargh! What are we going to do now?
We go over live to our correspondent at Westminster.
Hello from Westminster. Nobody here has the foggiest idea
what to do. It seems that most people have resigned or are being forced to
resign or have just fallen asleep due to being exhausted by running around in
small circles since the referendum result.
The Scots are uppity (no change
there then) the Welsh are probably happy - it's hard to tell, the pound is
worth 60 cents and the London stock-exchange has gone poo. Nigel Farage has
denied that any of this is his fault and gone for a pint.
Back to the
studio... Oh no, wait things have just taken a turn for the worse; Michael Gove
has kicked Boris in the goolies and intends to become prime-minister. Lord
preserve us! Aaargh! (noises off)
Oh dear, I think we've lost our Westminster correspondent,
possibly for good. Kiss your children goodnight Britain and batten down the
Now here's the weather from Samantha.
It's pissing down as usual. What do you expect? It is mid
summer after all...
January sales have fallen flat this year is it is revealed
that everyone has bought everything already.
We asked shoppers in London's Oxford Street shopping hot-spot
what they were there for..
One shopper replied "I've no idea. I just felt sort of
compelled to come out after Christmas and the New Year and shop. But I can't
think of anything else to buy. All my cupboards are full. I think I really
should be hiring a skip!"
Another shopper was trying to return a number of useless
gifts: "I have a male-grooming outfit (I'm female), a carbon-fibre chef's
spatula set (I don't cook), a weapons-grade silicon pilates mat (I have a
life), an armadillo-skin phone case for the wrong phone and some gluten-free
guava biscuits which are revolting."
Inside the shops certain items are marked down so far that
they were virtually free: Chocolate toothpaste anyone? Fancy some rum-soaked
turkey liver and brussel-sprout Pâté? Or maybe Peruvian
coffee-bean brittle tree decorations?
I thought not.
Never mind, Easter is just around the corner...
London mayor Boris Johnson's annoying "Get ahead of the games"
announcements on public transport have been silenced from today. The over
emphasis on possible travel chaos has been blamed by London's tourist
businesses for a drop in profit as the usual visitors stay away whilst the
Olympic goers are... at the Olympics!
Boris' whereabouts were uncertain until our eagle eyed snapper
spotted him in the Olympic park, possibly strung-up by aggrieved central London
T. apart from the last bit...
Jubilee fever grips Britain
As if it wasn't enough to have the yawn-inducing Olympics in
London this year, the Queen has only gone and had a 60th anniversary at the
same time! Never mind though, the ever respectful media (us included) are
treating it with the reverence it deserves.
For instance; the Daily Mail has reported that the well-known
supplier of underpants, Marks & Spencer, have lauched a new range of 1950s
inspired underwear to mark the occasion (how inappropriate) and illustrated it
with this lovely picture.
Any gentlemen amongst you who would like to see the full size
version (and a rear view) are at liberty to click on the image, but I must warn
you that it will direct you to the Daily Mail web-site...
Splendid new Olympic landmark unveiled!
In addition to the vast area of East London covered in
soon-to-be-mothballed sports stadia, a marvellous new waste of time and money
has been unveiled today.
Taller than the Statue of Liberty, the ArcelorMittal Orbit
tower is a tower that's not a tower, as it serves no practical purpose and
looks like a half finished roller-coaster or collapsed crane. Hopes that it
might provide an exciting helter-skelter ride were dashed when it was revealed
that all visitors could do was ride up and down in a lift. Wow. A London 2012
insider said "Um, it's art isn't it, nobody is supposed to like it, it'll grow
on you... I hope "
A more on-message aparachik described it as "thought
provoking". Right, well at least we can use it as cell-phone tower when the
games is over..
Cruisin for a drownin
This is the chief steward speaking, I hope you are enjoying
Magnifico Cruises latest trip around the oceans of the world. Id like to
reassure all passengers that the loud crash and shudder is nothing to worry
about and our highly skilled multi-national crew will be sorting it all out
once theyve tracked down the translator. On the starboard side you can
see the sky and on the port side you can see the water, this is due to the list
which is no more than a slight inconvenience. Unfortunately tonights
banquet has had to be cancelled due to the kitchen having exploded. Sandwiches
and crisps will be served on the wall of the grand dining room whilst the crew
try and get the engines started again. Please dont worry about the smoke,
the engines always tend to cough a bit when theres water in the fuel.
Im afraid the Captain will not be at his table tonight
as he is five miles away in the only lifeboat we have managed to launch so far,
but he sends his best wishes. If anyone has a mobile signal could they please
call the coast guard, just a precaution, nothing to worry about. I'd also like
to assure you that there are no icebergs in these waters...
It was fairly sensible advice to suggest that we
topped-up our tanks in anticipation of a strike by tanker drivers,
thought Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude earlier this week. The strike
would have, obviously, lead to a fuel shortage.
And so it came to pass that we are now in the middle of a fuel
shortage, caused not by a strike, but by everyone topping-up at
once. Whod have thought it eh? A government minister opening his mouth
before engaging his brain.
Its ironic that the drivers dispute is over safety
concerns and now we have one person badly burned whilst decanting petrol near a
gas cooker and the tanker drivers being given permission to work 11 hour days.
A great step forward in safety Im sure youll agree?
Election Results.. everyone has won (again).
In Scotland there was almost a "hanging chads" situation when
a new voting system confused so many voters that there was a danger of some
poles being null and void. Despite this the Scottish Nationalist Party came
through with 47 seats against Labour's 46. The SNP are, needless to say, very
Meanwhile, the Conservatives are delighted, The Lib Dems got
26% of the national vote and are "encouraged" and Labour are happy because they
haven't done as badly as they thought they might have.
If only everyone
were as optimistic as our politicians!
Des is doomed!
As the fallout from the "Cash for stories" cock-up continues.
Now Tony Blair has pledged his "total support" for accident-prone
defence-secretary Des Browne. A sure sign that he will be gone sooner rather
Here on 24-hour rolling, round-the-clock, always-on,
actuality, live and direct, on-the-spot, up-to-date, in-your-face, local,
international, interplanetary NEWS!!...
Crash = popularity.
Britain was shocked to its core this week to hear that
motoring journalist, Richard "Hamster" Hammond, had managed to crash a jet
powered car at speeds in excess of 300mph whilst filming for "Top Gear". Every
news bulletin carried updates on the diminutive dare-devil's progress. His
popularity is now greater than ever.
Could this be an opportunity for other celebrities down on
their luck? Perhaps Vanessa Feltz should take up bungee jumping (when they've
strengthened the crane), Dave Lee Travis, Simon Dee and Tony Blackburn might
scale Radio 1's transmitter mast - naked - in December, and I know they're not
down on their luck but can I suggest that Ant and Dec are fired out of a canon,
preferably off a cliff?
That's enough... Ed.
Britain shivers in the rain.
Bloody typical bank-holiday weather isn't it? Who's idea was
it to come camping in the Lake District anyway? There's a good reason there are
so many lakes here, it never stops bleedin' raining that's why! Six hours stuck
on the M6 for this.
Oh look now the tent's blown away, it's in that tree, go
and fetch it dear and I'll pack up. If we start out now we'll be home by 3am,
if we can get the car out of this muddy field. I wish the sun would come
A typical Briton. (again)
Britain sizzles in the sun.
Oooh it's hot! I don't like it too hot, do you? I mean, I like
a bit of sunshine as much as the next man but blimey! And you can't sleep at
night when it's too hot can you? It's this muggy heat you see, not like you get
abroad. Something to do with polution I'll be bound, and you never see the
govenment doing anything about it do you? They should give us all free beer and
a few days off so we can enjoy it... never mind hose-pipe bans, they should get
the air-conditioning working!
I'm off on my holidays next week, I expect
it'll rain.. I don't like rain.
A typical Briton.
The World Cup tournament started yesterday, you can't escape
it, even Google's got a football on its logo this week (see below).. but they
seem to have distorted the ball so it looks like an american one. Now look!
Footballs are ROUND (see left), otherwise they don't roll properly. OK? England
are off to a good start by dint of getting their opponents to knock one into
their own goal.
This is confusing, so for those who aren't quite familiar with
the game, here are the rules:
Two teams of eleven players run on the field to booing and
heckles from the beer-lubricated crowd (all blokes). A 23rd man ("the ref"
otherwise known as "bastard") blows a whistle and the players all run about
after the ball, occasionally taking turns to kick it. They also attempt to kick
their opponents in the shins. They are able to distinguish their opponents by
the colour of their shirts.
At some point the ball will inevitably get stuck in one of the
nets which are situated at either end of the ground. This happens despite the
efforts of the player who acts as a kind of guard in front of the net. The game
then stops while the crowd shouts loudly and some of the players race around
exposing their belly-buttons and jumping in the air whilst others look
The game lasts 45 minutes then it stops for a bit and
re-starts with the teams swapped round and goes on for another 45 minutes. This
45 minutes can be extended by "injury time" where players try to inflict as
many injuries on themselves and their opponents as possible (see Wayne Rooney's
foot). All the time "the ref" runs about with the players but he never gets a
turn to kick the ball. This must annoy him as he often gets cross with the
players and blows his whistle, at which point they all stop and argue with him.
These interludes usually finish with one or more of the players being handed a
yellow or red card. Red ones are much prized and the recipient always leaves
the field, his job done for the day.
If nobody wins they kick lots of balls at the nets until
someone gets one in. Why they don't do this to start with and save a lot of
time and effort I don't know.
The crowd then disperses singing tunelessly.
And tonight's top story is..
Wayne Rooney's foot.
Blah blah blah Wayne Rooney's broken foot, blah blah
metatarsal fracture, blah blah modern boots, blah blah blah World Cup blah
blah, will he be fit in time blah blah, reporter waiting outside hospital blah
blah, Alex ferguson blah blah, Sven-Goran Eriksson blah blah blah bloody
And in other news: The world has ended.
Load of balls on TV again
The live National Lottery draw was interrupted tonight by a
gang of men variously describing themselves as "Families Against The Lottery"
and "Fathers 4 Justice". They rose from the audience as one and rushed the
stage where affable Irish-man Eamon Holmes his beautiful assistant
what's-er-name were left dumb-struck.
As the vision faded to a caption we were left with the
mellifluous tones of Alan Deddicoat to assure us that everything was all right
We, of course, wanted to see the fracas but it was not to be.
I imagine Holmes sitting on one of the protesters whilst Deddicoat bored the
others into submission. I wish I'd been allowed to see it all...
Muslim pupils to be taught "British Values"
There are some superb initiatives coming out of Westminster
these days. Following quickly on from Tony's assertion that all this "human
rights" business has gone too far.. it's not in the public interest evidently..
the latest is the idea to reduce discontent amongst young British Muslims by
schooling them in British Values.
British Values. Nice idea, but what exactly are they?
Lager drinking must rate pretty highly, get them all tanked up
so they can't think straight. Then there's football violence, not random
terrorism you understand but GBH directed squarely at fans of the opposing
team, the British way!
Eating Pizzas and chips would appear to be fundamental to
British culture as would vomiting in the streets on a Friday night.
I'm not sure that they're ready for all this, they're probably
too busy studying, going to the Mosque and such.
Oh well, our government must know best mustn't they?
New initiative makes for safer roads.
Driving on overcrowded British roads is hazardous enough
without having to contend with the stupid behavior of some motorists so we
should all welcome the introduction of new identifying marks to be displayed by
drivers of below average intelligence.
Previous useless-driver identifiers such as baseball caps worn
backwards, flat caps (or indeed any kind of hat) "baby on board" notices and
"I've been to (insert name of dull holiday resort) " pennants were difficult to
spot until one was in close proximity, and thus, danger.
The new symbol is clear and simple, and some particularly
hopeless drivers are displaying large versions flying from small poles above
the car roof. You can't miss them!
If you should come across a driver displaying one of these
symbols you can safely assume them to be intellectually challenged. Give them a
wide berth, expect unpredictable behavior and possible violence if challenged.
You have been warned.
The symbol is shown below.
| New symbol
for "Driver of Low Intelligence"
Great week for British Politics
At last something exciting has been happening in Westminster
and, it seems, in John Prescott's bedroom. Passing over the distasteful image
of "Two Shags" and his diary maid (sorry. "diary secretary") we come to:
The home secretary, Mr. Rumbold from Are You Being
Served, letting out all the prisoners so as to keep the numbers down and
reduce prison food bills. Unfortunately many were supposed to be deported on
release and nobody didn't not tell somebody else about it and they've all
gone... somewhere; and are continuing murdering, raping stealing or whatever is
their stock-in-trade with impunity.
Meanwhile schoolma'am-ish Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt
tried to lecture a rebellious annual conference of the Royal College of Nurses.
They weren't having it! Oh no.
Heckling wasn't the word for it. She was
panned, harangued, humiliated and hung out to dry.
Evidently they didn't
like being told how great it was in the NHS by someone who wasn't in it when
many of their number are being threatened with redundancy. Can't understand why
she set her self up for it myself.
If I were Patricia I'd be busy giving
my diary secretary a good seeing to!
And the best thing is.
It's all true!
We are receiving reports that a number of practical jokes
which were being made ready for April 1st have escaped into the wild and could
affect anyone at any time.
An outbreak of whoopee cushions has already
caused considerable embarrassment on a bus in Crawley this afternoon and "kick
me" notices have appeared on the backs of several unsuspecting traffic wardens
Office workers are warned not to rush into little-used store
rooms in case there is a bucket of water balanced on top of the door, and that
toilets must be checked carefully for cling-film across the pan before use.
Government anti-joke squads are patrolling affected areas
wiping the smiles off people's faces and telling all and sundry to "grow
You have been warned.
Do you speak hippo?
An orphaned hippo calf called "Owen" was introduced to a 120
year old giant tortoise at a wildlife sanctuary in Kenya recently. Owen was
lonely and decided to have a chat with the tortoise (whose name is Mzee) and
they struck up a great friendship. They sleep together, follow each other
around (not very challeging for Owen but a great effort for Mzee) and they
talk. Owen says "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and Mzee replies "grrrmmmm" which is
unusual in itself as he's not been heard to utter a sound for the previous 119
years. We can only speculate as to what they may have to say to eachother but
it probably goes something like this:
Owen- "Humans eh?
What are they like!"
Mzee- "You haven't seen the half of it mate."
"They've rescued me though."
Mzee- "That's what I thought... but just you
try and leave. I should've been in Somalia in 1980.. I'm a bit late
Owen- "Hmmm. Yes well I'll just go for a bit of a stroll."
"Hang on, I'll come with you, hey! wait a mo, I'm not as quick as I used to
be.... puff... Bloomin' kids!"
Policemen are no longer allowed to give "young offenders" a
clip around the ear when they are caught being cheeky. In Blair's Britain they
get an "ASBO" (Anti-Social Behavior Order). The young lad from Northumberland
pictured here has been given an ASBO for making rude gestures in the street. We
are sure that this will stop him doing such a thing ever
Do you realise how fast you were going sir?
A policeman arrested for doing 159mph in his Police car was
let off last year because he said he was practicing fast driving.. "That's OK
then" said the judge, "Give my regards to Binky when you see him at the lodge
Unfortunately for him there was such an outcry that the case
has been re-opened and he's probably "going down" this time. Presumably under
the watchful eye of a rather less "sympathetic" judge?
It's a tonic for us all who have to suffer the "holier than
thou" attitude of a traffic cop when he pulls one of us over to point out that
we have failed to keep our number-plate clean or some such footling offence, to
see justice being meted out to such a buffoon.
The excuse that he could only practice high speed driving on
the M54 is staggeringly ridiculous. Has he never heard of "track days" at one
of Britain's many fine road-racing circuits? I'm sure the Police could arrange
a session for him... after all, he's not going to be driving on the public
roads for some time (we trust).
January 27th '06
Was whale killed by Ken?
Vets investigating the demise of a whale which had mistakenly
swam up the Thames through London have found a clue as to why it may have
The remains of a wheel clamp was found, hanging from the
animal's fin. It seems it must have been put there by an over zealous traffic
warden when the whale became beached. He had noticed that the whale had no tax
disk and was obviously traveling through central London with no intention of
paying the congestion charge.
January 19th 2006
Burns Victim in BB House
There was trouble in the Big Brother House today when ex
Dead Or Alive singer and plastic-surgery enthusiast Pete Burns had to
hand over his fur coat to police. He had claimed that it was made from real
Gorillas are of course a protected species.
January 17th 2006
Green Light for Red Lights.
Government ministers are looking into prostitution, nothing
unusual about that of course.
They don't like the idea of girls walking the
streets looking for clients, it's too cold at this time of year and the
"clients" keep damaging the alloy wheels of their ministerial cars whilst
So they have come up with the idea of replacing the
street-walkers with two women in a flat. Now I don't have much personal
experience of prostitution but I imagine that these two girls are going to be
rather over worked...
MT (apart from the bit about ministers visiting prostitutes,
that obviously can't be true...)
Tory young-bloods check in.
New Tory leader, 39 year-old David Cameron, got off to a great
start when he used his position of youth to harangue the Labour government for
being "Yesterday's men with yesterday's policies". He then appointed Ken Clark,
William Hague and Iain Duncan-Smith to his shadow cabinet.
It's for you Bonzo.
A bone-shaped cell-phone for dogs is due to be launched in the
USA (why are we not surprised?...) next March. The PetCell fits to the
dog's collar and is "paws free", being an auto answering speaker-phone. Not
only that, but your dog gets sat-nav built in so there's no excuse for him
getting lost when fetching your paper and slippers. Can't see how they're going
to text eachother though...
Yes it is, honest! See
here if you don't believe us.
Drunk bloke dies!
A wife-beating ex footballer who drank until his liver gave
up, had a transplant and then did it again has finally died. A nation
The culture of binge-drinking is spreading world-wide. We hear
from our New Zealand correspondent that those "rats of the sky", pigeons, have
taken it up. They are getting drunk on fermented fruit and falling senseless
out of the trees.
Local vets then scoop them up, de-tox them and send them
on their way. Sounds like a lesson to us all. Why don't we send teams of vets
round to scoop up the drunks as they fall out of the pubs, de-tox them, put a
ring around their legs, then release them somewhere far away and see if they
can find their way home?
Gorillas use tools say scientists.
Scientists in the Congo have observed gorillas using tools viz
a stick to navigate a river. First our hairy cousin tested the
depth of the water with his newly obtained implement, then he used it to steady
his progress across the fast-flowing watercourse. Great!
I could have told
those scientists that gorillas use tools... you should've seen the builders we
had in to repair the garage! Cor blimey etc.
A bit predictable surely? Ed.
Nobody wins German election
It seems that the German general election has ended in a tie
with the CDU/CSU and the SPD having each earned about 35% of the vote. In
Britain this would just mean that the Labour party would pal up with the
Liberal Democrats to gain a working majority. Unfortunately for Germany, the
minor parties hate the major parties so much that they are loath to team up
with either of them.
Principles winning-out over the possibility of power?
We'll see how long that lasts!
Below: Some German politicians who didn't quite win...
Dyisllexaia duzn't egzist sez docta.
Turns out little Johnny's inability to read is down to him
having reading difficulties, not some magic disease called Dys.. err.. you know
Trouble is, that doesn't sound very good does it? Reading
difficulties are what thick kids have aren't they? Little Johnny is bright so
we'll have to think of some other name that middle class parents can use won't
Let's see, how about MCKRD? (Middle Class Kid's Reading Disorder) that's
And now the world news:
Mariah Carey says she
Didn't have it off with Emineminem but he says she did and that she
wants more and she says she never did and he's a big fat liar and anyway he was
no good in bed, probably because he was always taking sleeping pills.. and then
there's that Courtney Love who Did have it off with Steve Coogan for 24
hours and is up the stick but he says he can't remember anything about it
because he was taking some other pills and wasn't sleepy (obviously) and she's
a bit disappointed and has told the papers so it must be true.
Computerised Bugle blows up a storm.
The Britsh army has been testing an electronic bugle that can
play the Last Post and other popular tunes without the aid of a skilled bugler.
Recent tests have given mixed results. At one particularly embarrassing event
Colonel Leftbridge Fotheringay Ffitch was being lowered into his grave, the
bugler lifted the instrument to his lips and the strains of "The Girl From
E-Panema" by the Peruvian Nose-flute All-Stars issued forth. A swift
re-prgramming was attempted but all that could be coaxed from the the
electro-bugle was the theme tune to Roobarb and Custard.
Plans to use it at
future high-profile events have been put on hold.
Can you see what it is yet?
Rolf Harris, children's artist and man who infamously recorded
Led Zep's Stairway to Heaven having never even heard the original, is to
paint a portrait of the Queen.
He claims it'll be "impressionistic", so
let's hope Her Majesty is fully prepared for a Jake The Peg extra leg or
a Two Little Boys wooden horse.
If not, it'll be more than his
kangeroo that's tied down...
British Election News.
You can come out now.
Nothing's changed much.
Give it a couple more days before you turn on the TV / Radio
or read a newspaper though...
Cowboy Clampers Immobilised.
British car parks are set to be safer as new regulations to
curb the activities of cowboy clampers come into force.
From now-on, anyone
found clamping a cowboy in a car-park will be locked up.
I should think so
too! This sort of cruelty has to stop...
Sorry beast, wrong number.
It has been revealed that the number 666 may not be that of
"the beast", his number is actually 616. The mistake was made many centuries
ago in a transcription of the New Testament say scientists who have unearthed a
third century manuscript.
This of course has consequences, firms such as Ranch
616 who serve South Texas cuisine might face a religious backlash whilst
the whole telephone area of Michigan (yes it's area code 616) is now
Manufacturers who have studiously avoided products with the number
"666" in them now find their "616" models are now blighted. Sorry Nokia..
makers of the Devil's phone.
Another consequence is that the moniker of "The Devil's Road"
must transfer from the A666 Pendlebury to Langho road, to the A616
Newark-on-Trent to Huddersfield road. It's a toss-up whether getting lost in
Blackburn or Sheffield is more devilish.. Let the old Lancashire / Yorkshire
Exploding Toad Mystery Solved.
We're indebted to IT News site The Register for the
solution to the perplexing problem of Hamburg's exploding toads. Evidently the
animals were swelling to enormous size and then going off "pop" with disastrous
results (for the toads). The villain of the piece it seems was not radiation or
pollution of the water, but crows.
Yes, the unattractive black birds with
the worst song since Busted split, are the culprits. They peck holes in an
unfortunate toad to get at its liver. The toad, naturally affronted by this,
employs its natural defence mechanism vis. it puffs itself up to look
big and frightening. Unfortunately the damage done by the crow allows air from
the lungs to enter the abdomen and the toad just keeps huffing and puffing
until he bursts...
Anyone got any waterproof elastoplasts? Best ship them to
New pope Benedict XVI was today censured by Euro pollution
officials after first white then black smoke was released from a chimney on the
"This is a smokeless zone and we take a very serious view
of this breach of the regulations" said a spokesperson before being damned for
eternity by an unexpectedly large contingent of Cardinals.
Jane Austen is American!
Scottish production company Ecosse Films is set
to cast Anne Hathaway in the role of Jane Austen in a forthcoming film about
She sounds like a nice English girl doesn't she? Of course
she's absolutely gorgeous, as anyone in a film must be, but she's also from the
"Gee Mr Rochester, I can so smell
It'll be another winner, at least for British
Roy of the Readers.
The devisors of a scheme to encourage children to
pick up a book and read, have enlisted the services of Premier-league
footballers. These "role models" are not noted for their ability to speak
coherently let alone read, so it's interesting to see what books they've
Many of the titles are, unsurprisingly, children's books like The
Little Prince chosen by Moritz Volz of Everton or Roald Dahl's The
Twits by Steve Clemence of Birmingham City. (I'm making no comment on that
one!) If you prefer looking at the pictures you can try Lomana LuaLua's choice
of a nice Tintin comic book. (There's nothing wrong with
Presumably these are the last books they remember
Wayne Roony doesn't seem to be represented so
maybe he really can't read books, only bank statements? We can also speculate
what book recently released prisoner Jermaine Pennant of Birmingham City would
choose; something by Jeffrey Archer perhaps?
There are some worthy titles but you wonder if
they've been chosen for effect.. how many kids does Ryan Giggs hope to inspire
to wade through Nelson Mandella's Long Walk To Freedom for instance?
Still it's a laudable idea and we wish them
success. Just don't have nightmares after reading Stephen King's If, if
you're a 10 year-old footie fan.
Prince Charles landed himself in hot water
despite sitting in the snow with William and Harry this week.
In an aside to
his boys he described BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell as "An awful
man" whom he "couldn't bear", which, as anyone who has seen Witchell knows, is
way off the mark.
He is, in fact, an obnoxious little ginger upstart who was
only given the job of royal correspondent to get him out of the way of the
serious journos at the BBC.
It was then wondrous to see journalists trying to
take the moral high ground, pontificating about how he shouldn't have said such
a thing, when everyone else in the country agreed with him!
Charles wins this week's "Grumpy Dad" award.
Britain "not freezing cold" shock!
As temperatures soared to an incredible 15
degrees Celsius over Southern England this weekend, crowds flocked to enjoy the
sunshine. Brighton beach was crammed with revellers who divested themselves of
all but their wind-cheater sweaters and furry boots in order to bask in the
"I haven't experienced anything like this since last year" cried a
middle-aged man in an anorak "Look! I've not got it zipped all the way up!" he
proudly boasted before his wife took him away to sit in the car with a flask of
Weather forecasters predict rain.
Footballer's wife gives birth (surgically of
Victoria and David Beckham have a new baby son
whom they are to name "Cruz", a girl's name in Spain. That's not the only
problem the newborn may have to contend with; we asked Mystic Marge to asses
his future prospects via her crystal ball...
Well, the boy is born in Pisces and he will be
a visionary. This could be a problem for him as his parents... err... aren't.
He should be charitable though, which may help I suppose?
I see that he will
have no talent for football or singing, rather like his mother, and he will be
artistic so he'll be able to tell them how naff most of their stuff is!
Oh. Aah. Yes, thanks Marge and shut the door on
your way out.
Here comes the Winamop consumer watchdog.
Lamp-posts look out!
Shock-horror in the food retailing industry today
as supermarkets rush to reassure us that the processed crap they're selling us
isn't carcinogenic after all.. even when a batch of a banned food-colouring got
used in the making of some "Worcester Sauce" (not Lea and Perrins of course!)
used in all sorts of pre-processed products.
We decided to investigate,
nothing strenuous you understand, just sitting in front of the PC looking at
the corporate web-sites of the major British supermarkets.
We soon found
mention of the "Sudan I" product recall on Sainsbury's web-site with a full
list of all their affected products.
Hats off to Sainsbury's then.
Elsewhere things weren't so good...
Tesco, Morrisons/Safeway, Somerfield,
Asda and M&S had not a word to say on the subject but kept blah-ing on
about how much they cared about their quality and our well-being. Yeah,
Lidl's web-site informed us that they were cheap and showed us some
ladies in underwear to prove the point whilst Aldi's top news story was that
their Soupreme (sic) Tomato Soup at 27p "Has a smashing tangy flavour and a
nice smooth texture. I love it. More please!"
Sadly, with all this "useful"
information on their web-sites they couldn't find space for the recall
Disappointing I think you'll agree, but we didn't
rest on out laurels; we ordered the lingerie... err... no we didn't! We
e-mailed the stores to ask why they didn't publish the information.
see what they say.
Well, the responses have flooded in, from
Somerfield at least! They promised to have the information on their website
this morning and, good as their word, they did. Better late than never
Meanwhile over at M & S, they didn't reply
but they do now have a list and Asda have put a link on their front page to the
FSA site, but have forgotten to change the "ALT" tag so it says it'll take you
to their wine dept...
Tesco (Britain's biggest supermarket),
Morrisons/Safeway, Aldi and Lidl appear to have done bugger-all!
absolutely appalling on the day the FSA announced that they have added a
further 38 products to the list of contaminated products. It really does
conjure up a picture of the shopkeeper calling out "Roll up, buy our quality
food, it's good for you!" whilst his assistant hides a large barrel labelled
"Poison" behind a curtain.
If only I could draw.
Tesco have replied! They're considering updating
their website and sent some Excel spreadsheets of their affected products. By
the time they update the website people will have eaten all the stuff they had
in the kitchen...
The wobbly-trolley award must go to Morrisons
though... No reply, no information. They just don't care do they? Shop
The Smartie tube is to be axed!
Gone will be the joy of finishing the last
crunchy-coated chocolate bean and then thumping the empty tube so that the top
pops off across the classroom hitting Dianne Creely in the ear, landing you in
Ah happy days.... (sighs, turn and shuffles sadly
back to dusty desk.)
Note: For our American readers, Smarties are
candy-coated chocolates sold in the UK since 1937. They come (came) in a
cardboard tube with a tight-fitting plastic lid.
for more Smartie info than is really healthy.
The district of Edmonton in North London was
brought to a standstill early this morning as thousands turned up for the
midnight opening of a new Ikea store. Some had waited up to 11hrs for this
momentous occasion but it all turned sour when crowds surged and tempers
"My STAMNING got squashed and my FACKLA's bent."
complained Donald Toup of Hendon, whilst Linda Gretch failed to escape with her
Others were even less fortunate "I couldn't even get
my hands on a POANG, they'd all gone!" cried Mary Mullet "And Brian's
SKYRUVSTA will never swivel again... I think they're a load of
I came across a crest-fallen man staring at a pile
of splintered chipboard, "What's that?" I enquired.
"Yes it does seem to have". I replied.
cont'd page 94 of the Ikea catalogue.
A man was arrested after an attempted break-in at
a snack bar went wrong.
He was disturbed and had to make a run for it, but
in the scramble to escape his false teeth fell out.
Police were able to trace the offender from his
National Insurance number which was stamped on the teeth.
Time for some old chestnuts:
The Police like a
case they can get their teeth into!
I expect they sent for Gnasher of The
Some incisive detective work there!
Smile son you're nicked... oh
sorry you can't can you!
You've really got into a scrape this time.
a (tooth) brush with the law.
For goodness sake stop this now! (Ed.)
Britain has a new political party!
As if the
Monster Raving Loony Party and the UK Independance Party weren't enough, we now
have "Veritas" courtesy of our old friend Robert "Kilroy" Silk... Yes, the
bloke who left UKIP just a couple of weeks ago, the bloke who was booted-out of
the BBC last year.
We wanted to find out what Veritas stands for (yes I know
it literally means "truth" but that can't be right if Kilroy's involved) so we
looked on the web until we found the
They can't be all bad can they? Nice bit of
meditation on the beach... lovely!
See you in Worthing for the BBQ, I trust
Bob's bringing the Champagne?
The UK Independence Party was tonight in sombre
mood as its star recruit Robert "Kilroy" Silk left in a huff. "We're really sad
to see him go" said a spokesman who seemed to be overcome with grief as his
shoulders started shaking and he tried to hide the tears behind his
Silk used to present a bad "Jerry Springer" type
TV show which was dropped by the BBC after he made some un-PC remarks in a
I understand that the BBC were similarly upset to see him
An item in The Independent today caught WINAMOPIAN attention
as the very stuff to stiffen British sinews against the awful tide of
"A Dorset farmer's suspicions about a group of Muslim men
looking at his goats became part of Home Secretary David Blunkett's case for
using emergency powers to detain two asylum seekers.'
Well, of course it did! Good old Blunkett can smell gross
criminality at a distance of one hundred miles when odious foreigners are
involved in ghastly gatherings in wet fields! We can easily imagine these
conspirators closeted in dingy attics in Battersea discussing the vile deeds
they will commit in pursuit of their campaign of horror. Shall we creep out and
peer at pigs in Pontypool? Leer at poultry in Leatherhead? Frown at foals in
Feltham? Stare at stoats in Somerset or hedgehogs in Hereford? No, wait, we
have it! Goats are famed in fable as the familiars of witches and favourites of
the Devil. They devour nettles, bump babies, and chase coppers up alleys. The
very beasts to terrify the yokels of Dorset. Off we'll go, boys, and gaze at
Blunkett's advisers, of course, considered carefully: With
what crime shall we charge these dangerous alien intruders? Eh? Er, Dunno. But
in the meantime let's lock 'em up and fling away the key. That will give a good
impression. Show we're vigilant, and have everything under strictly tight and
tightly taut control. Yippee! An emergency at last. Good old Blunk! What a pity
he's gone off to spend more time with someone else's family. He will return,
never fear, he will return... Malefactors beware!
January 1st 2005
Binge-drinking, a special report. By
Oh dear oh dear oh dear!
What was I thinking? That bottle of Sambuca's been at the back of the
cupboard for years, why did I decide to drink it last night?... and my eyebrows
appear to have gone, I suppose I must have tried to flame it too?.. And the 18
year old scotch, that hasn't gone has it?... Oh dear.
The vintage claret? We
drank that too?... Damn!
And the toilet duck? Mmmm, that left a nice fresh
feeling in the mouth didn't it?
Excuse me a minute whilst I go to the
bathroom.... see you in a week or so...
24th December 2004
Queen's message preview.
Winamop has intercepted the one of the early
tapes of the Queen's Christmas message from a rubbish bin outside Buckingham
(Queen's voice) "Hello one two, testing
testing. Is one on?"
(Sound man) "Yes your majesticness, crack on
(Queen) "Yees, you nasty little man, one will
crack on when one is ready. Ahem (clears throat) My loyal
(Producer) "Tony wants you to say
(Queen) "Look, you oik, I'm the bleedin' Queen
and you're my subjects right? Tony can take his citizens and stuff them up
(Producer) "Yes m'am, OK we'll go with
subjects if you insist."
(Queen) "You better believe it buddy! Ahem.
(clears throat) Well, it's been another annus horribilis here at the
(tittering in background)
(Queen) "Look, I said annus right? It
means year! Anyway; that bloody dog of Anne's has eaten one of my
favourite corgies, should've had the thing locked in the tower when it bit
those children in the park...
Phillip!.. Phillip!... (sounds of shuffling
about, swearing, bumping into things etc.) Will you stay still? One is trying
to record one's heartwarming Christmas speech."
(Phillip) "For goodness sake woman, nobody
wants to hear you droning on on Christmas day. They want Ant and bloody Derek
and the Pop Idiots or somesuch cobblers!"
(Queen) "Oh stuff it one isn't doing it then,
there's no fee anyway. Pass the gin, it's in that Tupperware box.... (slurp,
burp)... That's better, merry Christmas one and all!"
Wright Flight Flop
"By our skills and daring we will continue to
lead the world in flight." Said George W as he stood beside a pile of
matchsticks which had, only moments before, been a replica of the Wright
brother's Kitty Hawk.
It had failed to get off the ground.
100 years ago, the original Kitty Hawk reached
the dizzy height of several feet as its 12-second flight was witnessed by a few
In another 100 years we'll probably be back to
bumping along the ground if current trends continue:
The 21st century
aeronautical industry has so far failed to come up with a successor to
Concorde, the 1960s supersonic passenger jet which was finally pensioned-off
The age of supersonic passenger flight is over, Thunderbirds
were wrong... and so is George W.
Coventry enters new millennium
The city of Coventry is often overlooked, and
wisely so, for apart from the superb cathedral there hasn't been much to
But just as everyone else's "millennium" project is going bust
(or already has, in the case of the dome), Coventry finally get theirs
Millennium place, an open plaza where events can be held, is the
heart of the scheme and is set to re-launch Coventry into the cultural big
league tomorrow with a concert by... errr... Atomic Kitten...
Troll road opens
A new road for Trolls has opened near
Trolls who do not wish to travel to Birmingham can now avoid it
by taking the M6 Troll which will take them to Cannock instead.
Is that really a good thing?
Sock seizure shock
British special-branch officers have seized some
terrorists socks from a house in England. These socks of mass destruction were
attached to a piece of string and could probably have been hung around a
terrorists neck, say police.
"The socks contained traces of T.N.T, P.E.T.N,
R.D.X and S.W.E.A.T which could form a devastating combination" one officer
"We are also urging people to keep a lookout for exploding
underpants, biological bras and thermonuclear thongs. You can't be too careful
these days. Mind how you go now. Evenin' all."
Police will be on the trail of the terror-socks
over the next few weeks, so double-check those innocent looking Christmas
stockings and don't hang them too near the fire.....
Shock news from Schumacher
Michael Schumacher, world champion racing driver
supreme, has signalled his intention to reintroduce the challenge to his
racing. After another easy championship triumph for Michael and his Ferrari in
2003 he has decided to switch to struggling team Bill's Motors Racing
Bill Hoskins, team supremo, explains the modus
operandi of Team Bill's:
"Well we got two nice motors, Mike'll be
driving the MG Montego 'cos it's got a good turn of speed and handles nice
whereas Damon, our other top-name signing, 'e'll 'ave the XR3i.
'opin' for is to get in the way a bit and punt some of the others off the
circuit, Mike's proved 'is worth on that score many times, so I reckon we've a
Bills is a small outfit and doesn't have the
resources of the larger teams but they are not downcast:
"No 'course not
mate! Mike and Damon'll bring their own sandwiches and I've got a nice little
caravan that we can tow behind the Montego. We'll be real comfy!
does well we'll even get a tin of them bratwurst things as a special treat I
If Damon does well.... err... well it's not very likely is it
Public service pop.
The BBC put it's foot in it's (presumably
toothless) mouth when it announced that the revolting fizzy pop, Coca
Cola was to be plugged on the newly revamped Top Of The Pops TV show
and the Radio1 top 40.
Just at the time when the government is considering
putting health warnings on junk food!
Presumably now that Coca Cola is helping public
service broadcasting in this way it will be exempt from the warnings?
Watch out for a "MacDonalds, Proud sponsors of
the Labour Party" advert soon...
Don't phone home.
The use of hand-held mobile phones by British
drivers, became illegal today.
Our Motoring Correspondent, Max Revs, phoned in
"Well it's hands free for me from now on! You
join me in the driver's seat of the new turbo-charged Subaru Forester doing
110mph on some back roads covered in wet leaves and horse manure . I'm
reporting in on my mobile phone in compliance with the new regs which I think
are pretty foolish I can tell you!"
"It's a good job that the Subaru is a sure
footed as someone who's very sure about their feet, oh yes indeed. Just listen
to that engine note, fabulous! Perhaps I should really change gear now as I'm
still in second? Hang on a sec.... it's a bit tricky whilst holding the phone
and steering with my knees... whoops!"
At this point the line went dead and we received
the rest of the report sometime later.
"Hello again. Max Revs now test driving one of
the NHS's latest hospital beds. This one's got traction control built in
too.... ouch! That's enough traction surely nurse!"
"Anyway the hands-free thing was a complete
disaster. How anyone is supposed to drive properly without using their hands
beats me, changing gear is nigh-on impossible! I can see the point of it
though, being able to text people whilst driving would be very useful. I guess
I'll just have to keep practising. I wonder if Subaru will lend me another
Forester to complete the test?"
A spokesman for Subaru did comment but we are
unable to reproduce it here for fear of prosecution under the obscene
It seems that despite hundreds of extra police
vetting all incoming visitors to the UK, George Bush has still managed to get
What with that and the palace being full of Daily Mirror reporters it's
a good job that the terrorists are more incompetent than the security
Train company makes profit!
Hornby, the makers of model railway and
Scalextric car racing kits are expanding after an increase in profits.
Having had success with a Hogwarts Express train set they have
turned their attention to maximising the market for the Scalextric road-racing
sets. They are introducing Scalextric skateboarding Simpsons characters,
skateboarding Ninja Turtles and Scalextric GP motorcycles (not on
Fantastic! I want a set of skateboarding Jarvis executives who
fly off the track due to incomplete points installation and get eaten by the
Scotsmen wear skirts says EU.
A month ago discredited Euro statistics agency
"Eurostat" issued a questionnaire to Scottish firms about the products they
sold. Unfortunately for kiltmakers, there was no space in which to enter the
national dress. They were told to enter kilts as "Ladies Skirts".
Large, hairy legged Scotsmen the country over
were incensed at the suggestion that they wore skirts. The Scottish Executive
leapt into action (there's a first time for everything and, after all, this was
of national importance) and had the forms amended.
So the crisis is now averted, but just wait until
they try and audit the haggis population....
Danger ships arrive.
Not only has the cruise liner packed with
vomiting passengers just returned from the Med but a couple of ex US-Navy ships
jammed with asbestos have docked at Hartlepool.
What with that and
Sellafield inviting the world to send its radioactive waste over here for
reprocessing things are getting pretty bad.
Isn't there anywhere else in the
world where they would accept a load of toxic crap?
Let's see where
MacDonuts are opening the most restaurants and send it all there.
Winamop at the MTVEurope Music Awards
1945hrs: Well here we are, live from Edinburgh at
the MTV awards....
What an amazing talent Kelly Osborne is! Witty,
respectful, knowledgeable and pretty. A joy to behold.
Hang on, who's this in the circus clown's outfit,
with mad hair, a pink shirt, bow tie, colourful braces and matching socks?
Surely it must be local hero, Sir David Steel, he's grown since we last saw him
and what a good tan too!
Oops no! It's Wally 2000, or whatever his name is,
2005hrs: Oh dear. The poor woman! Christina
Aguilera's just come on and we can all see her bottom! What a terrible
Now here's a bald man in a leather kilt... bring back Christina!
Ah here she is in a different outfit, she must have sent the first one to the
2100hrs: Just awoken from a deep sleep. It
appears Dido was performing live.
Oh well, just in time for the hip-hop
award, and what a surprise, Eminem's won it... what a pity he didn't have time
to finish his tea before coming on the TV. Why does the sound keep cutting out?
Surely he wasn't swearing in his acceptance speech?
2120hrs: Hold the front page, there's been some
kind of alien invasion, or explosion...
Ah! It's AC-DC! errr, no it isn't
it's Queen (Freddie's looking OK considering he's been dead for years).
I've just been told that it's a new beat combo
from East Anglia who are quite popular at the moment The Darkness.
Are you sure it wasn't The Sweet?
2145: The Quickfit Fitters have come onto the
stage, dancing in their overalls.
Oh, sorry, I'm wrong again, It's Missy
Elliott and some gentleman friends.
According to MTV Europe, the best female is
Well that's lucky because she's hosting the
This is outfit number six I think, now if the award was for most
outfits she would have deserved it!
Best male is Justin Timberlake. What a lovely
couple they'll make.
2210: Goodness me! Lots of naked people! In
Scotland! In November! Brrrr... Is this what passes for entertainment these
I must say I like it!
Coldplay are the best group in the world...
again. No points for originality there.
Ah goody, here comes Kelly and she's slagging off
Christina again (best of pals really of course). I like a little edge, better
than all this mutual admiration stuff. Go Kelly, stick one on her!
Booo! Justin Timberlake has just arrived for his
third award! Robbie must be feeling a bit cheesed as he's been nominated for
practically everything except best female and hasn't won a thing. Poor
Oh dear, there seems to be something wrong with
the sound, or we have regressed to 1983, or it's Kraftwerk.
2235: Christina's back in outfit number ten and
she's having a pop at Kelly, rise above it dear, you have more dresses than she
Now she's examining the contents of several Scotsmen's kilts.
This really is a high class show. Thankyou MTV!
Beyonce has just come on to accept her award for
being gorgeous and not having won anything else. Well done!
Pink has taken to the stage in a rather tight
catsuit sporting a barbed tail. Brazen Hussie!
She's doing some throbbing
rock'n'roll, maybe she should team up with the Darkness?
2245: Well that's about it. I must say I didn't
enjoy it much, far too raucous and it's past my bedtime.
So goodnight from
the team here in Edinburgh, we're off to sink a few bevvies with the MTV
Are you sure they're old enough to come to the pub? No? What a
Otis Tarva makes a comeback
A Great Bustard
Never heard of him? Not surprising really, it's
not a '60s soul singer (although it does make a loud rasping sound), it is
better known as the Great Bustard, a turkey-like bird weighing up to
15kg. This former native of the British Isles has been extinct here since the
early 19th century and previous attempts to re-introduce it have
The bird's habitat has been under pressure due to
modern agricultural methods and shortage of open grassland in the UK... Um...
It is a shy bird and won't come out to parties unless it can bring its
A team of ornithologists is hoping to settle a
breeding pair somewhere or other... err, look are you sure we've got the right
It's Nell! That's the woman with the enormous
'orse who rides at the Beaufort hunt. I hope she doesn't see this or we're
really in trouble... you don't argue with Nell (or her horse).
Here's a picture of a Bustard.
Postal strike spreads
The British Post Office is in turmoil as
"wildcat" strikes take place throughout the country disrupting mail
Customers have started to express their opinions on the
"For goodness sake!", Brian Crump of Wapping exclaimed, "My
letterbox has been completely devoid of offers of credit cards, loans and
charity appeals. What am I going to line the hamster's cage with now?"
if that weren't inconvenient enough, I have no bills to pay.... Come to think
of it, I haven't had any postcards from my aunt Hilda recently either."
"Perhaps they should stay out!"
Harley Rider detained
Harley Davidson rider Pete Wilson was detained by
the authorities yesterday on a charge of "riding a Harley whilst clean
When asked where was his beard he could only mumble something about
being fed up with it and shaving it off!
He could be charged with the more
serious offence of "bringing Harley riders into disrepute" if he doesn't come
up with a more convincing argument.
We should point out that his beer-gut
was in perfect condition so that should count in his favour.
IDS out (What a surprise).
"I'll fight to the finish" he said.
him, it's finished, and he didn't fight!
Had he landed a punch on Michael
Portillo, owner of the
cheesiest website we've seen for a long time, we'd all have
But he didn't.
He didn't bat an eyelid.
remained stiff as he lost the vote of no competence... or was it no
Who will remember him in a years time?
'Ello 'Ello, need another pinta?
West Midlands Police are to use milkmen, driving
instructors and delivery drivers as trouble spotters to help reduce crime in
This is all very well, although I don't suppose the milkman
would be much good in a high-speed pursuit, but what happens when the trouble
spotter spots a suspicious incident?
Well he could go after the miscreant
with a bottle of silver-top but he's supposed to report it to the Police. So
guess what happens next?
Yes, that's right, nothing, nada, naff-all. The
real Police are all too busy filling in mountains of Tony Blair's new paperwork
to get off their bottoms and investigate...
UK sport not dead
Our international sportsmen are off to Canada to reclaim a
little of the kudos lost by our soccer / cricket / athletic teams.
to compete in the world "Scissor Paper Stone" championships..
Team Captain James Lawson said "Our chosen sport has all the
intensity, drama and excitement of a Rugby World Cup and the team I've put
together is determined to carry the trophy home."
No we didn't make that one up...
Iain Duncan Smith's tenuous grasp of the
leadership of the Tory party is under threat again.
Iain Duncan Smith, you know, the "quiet man"?
Doesn't ring a bell... you say he's
Tory leader, isn't that William Hague?
No! It's Iain Duncan Smith, two 'i's and two
surnames. Looks a bit like Hague but has no sense of humour.
Can't say I know the chap, was he at
Yes, he made a speech looking down at the autocue
all the way through.
So he's going is he?
The vultures are circling, yes. It's evidently
because he doesn't have a high enough public profile.
Hmm, that's hard to believe isn't it?
What was his name again?
Fish to go
Fairgrounds operating in Liverpool have been forbidden to give
away goldfish in plastic bags as prizes.
This traditional reward for
knocking a coconut off a stand or hooplah-ing a vase is no longer politically
correct as it's cruel to the fish.
Cruelty to fish is not to be encouraged of course, so how
about Liverpool council banning fishing? After all, is it crueller to put a
fish in a plastic bag full of water or to wrench it out of the river with a
hook stuck through its mouth?
Get things into perspective chaps....
The Starvation is over
Well it's been a long time.
without solid food, an impressive achievement.
We spoke to the emaciated
being in a hospital bed..
"So how long have you been surviving without
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, my anorexia is getting
"Thanks... err... Sharon. I think we're in the wrong room."
Over to our correspondent in Ethiopia.
"Mtumi, how long have you been surviving without
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, the famine is getting
"Thanks... err... I think we're in the wrong country.
Wasn't there someone else we should've spoken
No I didn't think there was....
Blood crisis averted.
A call from the Scottish National Blood Service
for more blood has been answered generously by Scottish donors.
The SNBS had
feared that supplies of the famous breakfast dish Black Pudding would
dry up if supplies weren't forthcoming.
Thanks to the generous donors, Scottish
breakfasts are safe. (The breakfasts are safe, not the consumers of the
What's in a name?
Children's names are getting sillier. These days
it's not just the rich and famous who give their babies ridiculous names,
everyone's doing it.
One of the trends is to name the child after favourite
products such as Nike or Reebok for boys and there are many instances of girls
being named "Channel".
One sad statistic to come out of this survey is
that there were 24 infants lumbered with the name "Unique" in the last
Is that bloke still there?
We've all forgotten about David Blaine the famous 'Aunt
Sally'. He's been in his box for 38 days now.
Even the egg-throwers are
Winamop predicts he'll pull some sort of a stunt in the next
few days to remind us he's still dangling there.
Urgent medical attention
suddenly required perhaps?
Place your bets now.
(Sorry for reminding you... got any out-of-date eggs? I'm off
to London tomorrow).
Bags of room on board.
Except on Virgin Trains.
To allow them to
carry more people on their trains, Virgin have hit on the idea of sending the
luggage by road. Presumably this means they can offer sleeping accommodation in
the luggage racks?
So as you travel by train to Exeter your luggage
is stuck in a traffic jam near Preston. Don't worry, it'll be there in a day or
Winamop suggests cutting out the middle man, if the luggage is going by
road why not go with it and tell Dicky Branson to stuff his hopeless
Jarvis decide not to fix the railways any more and their share
price goes up. See 18th September.
So who is
fixing the wretched things then? I thought I hadn't seen Brian from the garage
for a while...
FCUK me! We're in trouble this time.
Some time ago French Connection, the clothing
company, had the frightfully amusing idea of calling themselves French
Connection UK and trading under the initials F.C.U.K. geddit?
opportunities for suggestive advertising thus afforded were not overlooked,
such as a new scent marketed to American teenagers called Scent to Bed.
The promotional gimmick being a sample in a teen mag with the tag line "Open
this and try to fcuk her". Ho ho! and it's not really rude at all is
Well the powerful lobby group The American Family Association thought it
was. An internet campaign said "For a major retailer to sell this type of
product is reprehensible to me." Well, grammar aside, they were seriously
annoyed and have managed to get Bloomingdales and Mays department stores to
withdraw the stuff, Marshall Fields may follow.
A spokesman for FCUK said "Oh siht!"
Happy Birthday WD40!
"Water Dispersant" 40 has been around for 50
years today. It was developed to prevent NASA's rockets rusting and has been
used for many purposes since.
It has been used by a Fire Department to free a
naked man from an air-conditioning duct. It has been used to aid in the
unwrapping of a python from the steering wheel of a bus and there are those who
claim it is effective in easing stiffness in arthritic joints.
A hostess reported that she sprays the top of her
toilet cistern with WD40 to prevent addicts using cocaine in the lavatory.
One thing it shouldn't be used for is cleaning
the weeny little buttons on the control panel of a video recorder. My
brother-in-law sprayed his with it and the machine hasn't worked since.
Radio 1 raises Irritation Factor.
Chris Moyles, recently voted Radio's most
irritating DJ is to replace Sara Cox (the almost as irritating "Coxy") on the
The decision is interesting as the Radio 1 breakfast show
has been losing listeners for the past couple of years and the appointment of
the buffoon Moyles must surely accelerate the decline.
At least "Five" TV bosses have seen sense,
Moyles' witless chat show is soon to be axed due to virtually immeasurable
Bad day for American magicians
On the same day that
David Blaine (who is
fasting in a perspex box over the Thames in London) started babbling rubbish
about omelettes, a more serious problem afflicted Roy Horn during a performance
in Las Vegas.
The act "Siegfried and Roy, Masters of the
Impossible" involves Lions and Tigers on stage.
The animals are, presumably,
made to perform stunts in front of the audience.
Well one particular tiger obviously decided that
it had suffered indignity enough, and bit Mr. Horn who is now critically ill in
The tiger is "in custody". No change there then.
At least the only dumb animal suffering in
Blaine's stunt is Blaine himself.
More ground-breaking science
Following on from yesterday, it seems that
Harvard have come up with the "Ig Nobel" prize for pointless research.
Amongst the candidates are: an Australian project
called "An analysis of the forces required to drag sheep over various surfaces"
and a Zicklin School of Business collection of data on "the anomalies of daily
life" such as what percentage of youths wear baseball caps back to front.
We are amazed that Loughborough University don't
get a mention...
Who was it who did the research on the likelihood
of dropped toast landing butter-side-down?
October 2nd 2004
British Isles turned over by gardener.
TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh this week presented
the first episode of a new big-budget series on the British Isles. Shot in
glorious "Natural History O_Vision" by the BBC's Bristol rodent watchers, it
follows Titchmarsh as he walks, flies, sails and drives around Britain.
join him on a river bank...
"Ooh this is greaat int it? Smell that country air, and loook
at these plants, the cow-parsley the wild pompledaisy and the like, they love
it 'ere they really do!"
[Voices off] "Shut up about plants Alan, you're
not on Gardeners World now!"
"Ooh ay. OK OK, well now were're approaching a boggy area, I
reckon a bit of decking over here would allow you to walk over and enjoy the
[Voices off] "For goodness sake Alan, get into the helicopter and
fly about a bit, then we can have some impressive aerial shots which'll take
our minds off your brainless wittering."
A little later..
"Well here we are flying over a forest, now this is very
interesting, there's a larch and a scots pine and a birch and a.."
off] "Oh God, why didn't we use Bill Oddie?"
[Other voice off] "We tried him
but he just waffled about birds."
[First voice] "Alan! Get down that coal
mine, at least there's no bloody plants down there!"
"Eeee, it's reet dark down ere, can't see a thing. There's
supposed to be a camera crew and lights somewhere but I can't find 'em. Hello!
Fade to black to the sound of a heavy door clanging shut.
Next week: The history of the universe presented by Tony
That takes the biscuit!
Researchers at Loughborough University have
discovered the reason that biscuits crack.
It's all to do with the rate at
which the different regions of the biscuit expand or contract as they cool.
Some parts expand because they absorb moisture whereas some contract as they
Hence the cracks.
Except that they don't do they? I haven't bought
a packet of biscuits that have had more than the end one cracked for ages. That
can be put down to rough handling.
I think that they just embarked upon the
research so that they could have an endless supply of biscuits.
Watch out for the next daft Loughborough research
The flavour of tea or coffee perhaps?
1st October 2004
Show goes down well...
Audience members dressed as nuns plummeted into
the orchestra pit at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham when part of the stage
They had been participating in a "Sing-Along-A-Sound of Music"
So how long have you been dressing
up as a nun?
Oh, it's just a stage I'm going through....
New record for Tilting Train
Virgin's new high speed "tilting train" service
from Manchester to London got off to a flying start yesterday when a faulty
wheel reduced the train's maximum speed to 50mph. The passengers arriving in
London 2 hours late were a trifle disappointed, having been promised the
fastest-ever time for the journey. It's a good job there weren't any leaves on
the line or it might have come to a complete halt.. and just think of the fuel
they saved by going so slowly, the "green" lobby will be delighted!
trains are actually capable of over 140mph but despite years of money being
poured into the West coast main line, they can only crank them up to 125mph..
assuming the wheels can stand it.
Virgin boss Richard Branson chose the same
day to announce "Virgin Galactic", a project to take tourists into space.
Before booking I'd want to make damn sure they can get us back again.. at
something quicker than 50mph!
A Virgin train yesterday.
US secretary of state Colin Powell achieved a new
Olympic record when he left before he'd even arrived at the closing ceremony.
This "time-warp" performance was prompted by some anti-war protesters who
started throwing things about near the US embassy in Athens.
Surely this didn't come as a surprise to Mr
Powell, what with American politicians being so popular around the world?
Plucky British athlete loses race.
Our plucky British athletes, though starved of
the state-of-the-art performance-enhancing drugs developed for other teams,
have turned in an impressive performance by achieving 5th place in almost every
"Well I did my best but it just wasn't good
enough on the day" is now to be emblazoned on the back of the team shirts and
they are lobbying for a new wooden medal to be introduced for 5th place.
"We think our boys and girls should be rewarded for their efforts despite
not finishing in the metal-medal positions" said team coach Sam Slow. "This
would also be helpful to Belgium and Ireland" he added.
The suggested medals are:
4th place =
Die-cast crappite medal (as used for Dinky Toys)
5th place = Wooden medal
(aka the "British medal")
6th place = yellow plastic medal on a
7th place = a chocolate coin
8th place = little round paper
sticker with "Nice Try!" printed in comic sans font.
Traffic News with Sally.
An overturned politician is causing an
obstruction in Westminster. Emergency services are in attendance and are
waiting for heavy lifting gear.
Meanwhile up North, a delay on the Forth
Road Bridge is making progress into Manchester slow.
Also be aware that a
convoy of slow-moving public works is leading to chaos on most of Britain's
On the M6, delays are possible until early 2005 so bring plenty
of tins of soup and warm clothes.
British Airways have had to cancel a number of
flights from Heathrow yesterday and today because of shortness of staff. They
are hoping to recruit some taller staff soon.
The department of transport warns that some kind
of weather will inevitably give rise to a complete breakdown of the transport
system this winter. They wish to make it clear that it has nothing to do with
them and that it's all the Met Office's fault.
Remember that the road to salvation is narrow so
it's best to avoid it and seek an alternative route, possibly the A666 via
Soddom and Gomorrah.
Prescott makes waves
Deputy Prime-Minister John Prescott (how can you
have a deputy prime minister? He's either "prime" or he isn't, surely?..
Ed.) today leapt into a river to save a white-water rafter who'd concentrated
more on the "water" than the "rafting" element of the activity.
rescue was effected, Prescott's vast bulk caused a tidal wave which engulfed
the Cornish town of Boscastle, washing away cars and buildings as it surged to
Needless to say a landslide followed, and it
wasn't a victory...
Sausage dog causes uproar
We love our pets in Britain.
Walls, a meat
company, aired a TV advert recently in which a dog tried to steal a family's
sausages as the hapless dad carried them to the table.
The dog was
eventually distracted by by a cry of "cat!" and went flying out of the window,
which was promptly shut. When he attempted re-entry, he hit the glass and slid
down the window in true Tom and Jerry style.
Most amusing, great slapstick and obviously not a
real dog in the final shot.
But we Brits can't allow the noble hound to be
ridiculed can we?
Of course not. Cruelty to stuffed animals is beyond the
pale. The RSPCA complained to Ofcom and the advert hasn't been seen since.
Personally I want to complain about the treatment
of the dad in the advert; he is savaged by a dog, ridiculed by his family and
nearly loses his sausages. Very nasty.
American pet-owners are being sold bottled water
to give to their pets, and it's coming over here.
No more dirty old water
bowls for Fido and Tiddles, they must have fine china and mineral water, not
any-old mineral water either. Specially packaged mineral water for pets!
Looks like a great opportunity for the Cola
company we all know and love. Maybe their disastrous bottled-water can be
re-launched for pets?
New Tennents for T
Franz Ferdinand, the art-school rockers from Glasgow are to be
sponsored by low-brow brew Tennents Lager. You know, that cheapo looking stuff
you see in Scottish supermarkets that used to have pictures of pinup girls on
Beloved of raucous Glaswegians "on the piss", Tennents hardly
qualifies as an aspirational product.
None the less Franz Ferdinand will be espousing the great
Scottish tinnie at the T in The Park festival and at other appearances this
summer sponsored by the brewers.
Let's hope their current single "Michael"
in which singer Alex Kapranos implores said Michael to dance with him, doesn't
give Tennents drinkers the impression that they're "jessies", otherwise the
sponsorship deal may backfire...
After all Interbrew wouldn't want
effeminate guys to be referred to as "a bit of a Tennents drinker" would
"Life is dangerous" shock!
Scientists warned today that almost everyone alive today will
This devastating news news comes after a week of health
warnings about mobile phones, smoking, beef, food colourings and the Atkins
"It's getting so bad I'm scared to go out." snivelled Amanda Bluthall
though her letterbox when we called on her earlier today.. "I get all the
papers" she went on "and it if it weren't for Timbo doing well in the tennis
I'd be on the phone to the Samaritans."
We reckon the Samaritans should be on standy...
New menace blights our lives
Pedestrians in many parts of the country are being terrorised
by hordes of old ladies riding high-powered electric wheelchairs on local
pavements; reports our reporter Rep Porter.
These "Hell's Grannies" pay no attention to others as they
speed past, high on Sanatogen, cackling wildly about getting to the Post Office
before it closes.
Some have their wheelchairs "souped up" by topping up the
batteries with brown windsor or mulligatawny before they set off. Others have
fitted stereo systems and are blasting out Des O'Connor's hits as they whizz
"Two of them came up behind me last week," said terrified
teenager Dwayne Druggit; "I was just walkin' over to me Citroen Saxo with the
Max Power spoilers and they nearly 'ad me over they did! I tried to run after
them and stop 'em but me baseball cap blew off and me flashin' trainers blew a
Police spokesman P.C. Donuttin of the yard said; "It's a
modern problem this. These ladies suddenly find freedom after years of being
ferried around by some old geezer in a Volvo 440, he dies and they're out on
their own for the first time and the speed sort of goes to their heads. We're
thinking of putting speed cameras on the pavements outside retirement homes,
then we can sting them for some cash... err... I mean we can discourage them
from excessive speed."
Lose, Lose, Lose
The UK's European election results have been
declared and all the major parties have their heads in their hands. It seems
that the optimism of last week has evaporated!
The thought of the of all
those all-expenses-paid trips to Brussels and Strasbourg going to some
Euro-sceptic instead of to them is just too much to bear.
Worse still when
the major beneficiary is Robert Kilroy-Silk, a jumped-up TV presenter who was
recently ousted from his Gerry Springer type show for expressing racist views
in a newspaper.
The people who voted for his UK Independence Party want to
stop all this Euro-junketing. In fact they probably want to ban "funny foreign
food" and bring back the lash for people who kiss each other on both
Needless to say "Kilroy" will be off on the first
available first-class flight to Strasbourg in order to "fact-find" his way
round all the best hotels and restaurants.
"C'est la vie" as they don't say in the UKIP.
Win, win, win.
Britain has voted in the local government elections and the
Everybody has won!
The Tories are delighted because they have more votes than
The Lib dems are delighted because they came second. They haven't
come second for ages!
Labour aren't delighted, but they're pleased they
haven't done worse, and hey! the turnout was up!
The Greens are delighted
because they eat healthy food and exercise regularly.
The UK Independence
Party are delighted because somebody voted for them.
The BNP are too thick
to be disappointed with their result.
The Respect Party are err.... who?
What an optimistic lot our politicians are.
Chinese Milton Keynes
The Chinese are to build a new town, modelled on an English
town, near Shanghai.
Affluent Chinese businessmen aspire to the genteel atmosphere
of "Thames Town" which will be populated with fake Georgian and Victorian and
half-timbered type houses around a village green. Just to make it more
authentic there will also be a catholic church (with spire) and a multi-story
car park (with the authentic smell of urine?).
I hope there'll be a Chinese takeaway too.
Unfortunately Thamestown is, in fact, in Ireland.
We combat obesity
Britain is becoming a nation of fatties, the government are
concerned. Peter Hain has even admitted that a schools scheme sponsored by
chocolate maker Cadburys, in which pupils had to eat their way through
thousands of sweets to earn sports equipment, was "pretty indefensible".
It is timely then that Winamop should be about to launch the
We shall, of course, be spamming you with thousands of e-mail
messages about amazing weight loss program (sic) etc. but in the
meantime here's the general principle:
If you're too fat, don't eat so much.
Yes, we appreciate it's hard to believe that weight loss could
be so simple but our experts assure us that this really works!... and it could
save you money too!
Eating less food means buying less food and therefore
spending less money, double whammy!
We await a raft of counter-claims from the proponents of the
eat loads of greasy food and no spuds diet and the stuff yourself
with nasty dehydrated concoctions diet but we stand firm. This really works
and we can prove it.
Try it for yourself and tell the world "be thin as a
mop-'andle with Winamop". We're onto a winner this time!
The Melton Mowbray pie-makers have hit a snag in their bid to
preserve the description "Melton Pork Pie" for pies made within 25 miles of the
Leicestershire town. (see earlier story).
in February the government (presumably encouraged by pie-eater in chief, John
Prescott) was firmly behind the case and the European commission was being
encouraged to bestow "protected geographical indication status" on the Melton
All was going well until Lord Haskins, supremo of Northern
Foods, mass producer of naff pies, objected to the idea. Northern Foods
stamp "Melton Mowbray" on the pies they make in Hull.
Why does he want to
label his pies as something they're not?
Because it gives an impression of
Damn right. It also gives an impression of being made in Melton
Mowbray, not Hull!
If he wants to call them Superior or something,
that's fine, we know that's a lie.. But a pie labelled Melton should come from
Melton, Italian shoes should come from Italy, Champagne from Champagne etc.
It'll be interesting to see who wins this one as Haskins is a
Labour Peer and has lots of money... not that that should sway the high court
judges of course!
A man has been arrested for holding up a building society with
nothing more threatening than vacuum-cleaner attachments.
Hoping to clean-up
It's time for the Eurovision Song Contest again,
the unbelievable tat-fest gets ever bigger. This time it's in Turkey (who by
some weird voting, won it last year). The British song is not quite as crap as
usual but due to our standing in the world these days no doubt we'll come away
with null points again this year.
Winamop will be following the event with
interest, it holds a morbid fascination for us. We may well do a live web-cast
on Saturday night with a blow-by-blow-until-we-get-bored-and-go-down-the-pub
commentary. Check back for further details!
Charge it, my a*se!
Boffins have come up with a new system which will
do away with the need to carry credit cards when shopping. The biometric system
recognises unique characteristics of the customer in order to identify them
beyond any doubt. The customer's credit-worthiness can then be established and
the transaction authorised.
Early trials with fingerprints and retina-scans
all hit problems but the new system is said to be 100% reliable.
of the system is the Auto Recognition Seating Equipment upon which the
customer sits in order to have the unique features of their gluteous maximus
Some customer resistance has been noted when they are told they
will have to drop their trousers in order to continue with their purchases but
the development team are optimistic:
"We reckon it's just fear of the new.
When everyone's used to it we'll all be happy to whip 'em off in the
supermarket. After all, it's an excuse for a quick sit-down isn't it?"
Hire-car firm BryteCar are said to be
interested in the system to identify the driver in the case of any dispute over
traffic offences. The cars would be wired so that they wouldn't start without
an authorised bum on the seat.
It brings a new meaning to the phrase being
caught with your pants down...
Happy Birthday Us!
The world's least popular internet site devoted
to literature and words in general has survived, to the amazement of us all,
for a whole year.
Despite the amost total apathy of "surfers" Winamop
continues to offer its unique blend of news and features to the discerning
Winamop's editor, a Champagne swilling jet-setter who goes by the name
of "Ed", was today thought to be leaving his penthouse apartment to clinch a
multi-million pound publishing deal (although he may have just been off to the
chippie for a pie and mushy peas).
All will no doubt be revealed in the next
It seems that Air France has merged with the KLF,
creating the biggest airline in the world.
Unfortunately it only flies to
It's for you! (by Mr. Grumpy)
Did you know that £70m worth of mobile
telephone ring-tones were sold in the UK last year? This makes the ring-tone
version of a song a bigger money-spinner than the CD single version, despite
the fact that the artist has no involvement in the ring-tone and it is
invariably appalling. The current number one ring-tone
diddly-diddly-dum-dum-di-pom has just replaced
doo-doo-di-dah-di-diddle which was marginally less annoying. I
assume the Police will soon be re-releasing de-do-do-do,
de-da-da-da and the Crystals 60s hit da-doo-ron-ron is a sure
fire ring-tone winner.
Just dont be on the same bus, train or
street as me when the damn thing rings though, or youll be liable to get
a number-one hit where it hurts
Wild and Wooly
A runaway New Zealand sheep has been recaptured
after six years roaming free and living in a cave.
Its fleece is now so long
and wooly (well how else would it be?) that it will make several coats, which
will no doubt be sold at a premium price.
The shearing will be such a
momentous event in New Zealand that it will be shown live on TV.
a bit more presentable, it will no doubt have a film made about it, like the
Tamworth two.. What is Peter Jackson doing now? Get him on the
Censorship or taste?
The oppressive regime in North Korea outraged the
"free" world this week by failing to inform its people of the terrible rail
crash which killed 160 and injured 12,000.
Meanwhile in the US, pictures of
flag-draped coffins returning from Iraq were not to be shown on news bulletins.
A nice picture of a jubilant homecoming soldier was to be used instead, for
reasons of taste of course.
Well, we might have believed the
reasons of taste argument if the US media hadn't printed pictures of the
dying Lady Di last week!
Reasons of George Bush getting re-elected more
The popularity of SMS messaging on GSM 'phones
has increased dramatically over the last couple of years. Inevitably this has
put a strain on the system which handles all those messages.
learned of a looming crisis in the SMS clearing service. We spoke to Frank
Wallace who runs the service.
Frank told us: "We're under pressure 'ere these
days, Doris does 'er best but some of the spelling is awful so it's not always
easy to know if we've got it right. Most of the messages are cobblers too,
luv U and CU L8TR and all that crap." Meanwhile Doris was sitting
at a small table, surrounded by beeping mobiles, her thumbs a blur as she
pressed the keys on one of the 'phones.
"See, if the person who sends the
message ain't on the same network as the one it's going to, it comes 'ere and
Doris 'as to type it all in. Takes 'er all day and she's getting RSI in 'er
thumbs, keeps 'avin' to change 'ands. If something ain't done soon we'll just
'ave to pack it in. It's costin' a fortune in 'orse-linament!"
So please be considerate with your texting, keep
messages short and clear and if it's important just ring the person up! That's
if Gladys at the cross-network voice-routing centre isn't over stressed
Top News Team Acused of "Making it up"
The shocking truth behind Internet news site
"Winamop" was revealed today when its editor in chief let slip that "Some of
our news items are made up".
He went on to add: "In fact, as a news service
its about as useful as waterproof mashed potato."
He later, burped,
stumbled off in the direction of the gents and was never seen again.
The NUJ have called for an inquiry, but as this
kind of behavior is perfectly usual journalistic practise, there will probably
be no action taken.
Contd. P94 of the Sun.
Terrorist plans revealed.
We eavesdrop on an international terrorist headquarters in
Chief terrorist Who has an idea that will cause panic
and terror in our enemies?
First terrorist: I have! Lets cause a
power surge that knocks out half of America!
Chief: No no, they already did that
Second terrorist: What about poisoning all
their meat by infecting the animals?
Chief: Dont be an idiot, theyve
already had BSE!
Third terrorist: Setting fire to the
Underground in London?
Chief: They did that too.
Fourth: Poisoning the water supply?
Chief: Camelford and Disani.
Fifth: Destroying the rail system?
Chief: Jarvis did that.
Sixth: Releasing radioactivity?
Chief: Sellafield and Chernobyl
Seventh: We could introduce deadly bugs
Chief: Done, all done. Look this is
hopeless, anything we think of doing to them, they have already done! We may as
well blow ourselves up!
All: Now theres an idea!
Elvis was Scottish. Conclusive proof!
Winamop has unearthed this previously unseen picture of "The
King" which proves that he really was a Scot.
Our research has been corroborated by Mr Allan Morrison who is
about to publish a book on the subject. He has traced the Presley family tree
back to the 1700s when they lived in the village of Lonmay in
The original titles of some of his famous songs have also been
discovered, Return to Selkirk, Big Hunk O Deep-Fried Mars Bar, Blue
Swede Shoes, (or Neeps as they tend to be known) and of course In
the Gorbals later given a more American feel when retitled In the
Ghetto. [trying a bit too hard there I think... Ed.]
Presley's well known love of unhealthy food must add weight
[ha!] to the argument. The Scots are getting a bad press regarding their diet
at present, especially as an Edinburgh hotel has just launched a new dessert;
the Deep fried Chocolate Sandwich served with ice cream and chocolate
At 1000 calories a helping, Elvis would have loved it.
There's no fool...
April the first has been cancelled due to the
risk of silly pranks costing the business world millions of pounds. Tomorrow
will be April 2nd as normal.
Clocks change tonight
Don't forget to put your clocks back tonight, or is it
forward? Anyway it happens tonight at 2 O-clock in the morning and then that
becomes 3 O-clock, or perhaps 1 O-clock again.
No, that's not right. It
happens at 1 O-clock, that's tonight, well, Sunday morning really, and then
it'll be 2 O-clock. There'll have been no quarter past one or half-past or
anything! In fact 1 O-clock won't really have existed because, just as it was
about to happen it became 2 O-clock (unless I've got it wrong in which case
we'll get two 1 O-clocks... or does it happen at 2?)
Anyway the net result of doing this is that we'll have to get
up earlier tomorrow, or probably later, but it's Sunday so it doesn't really
matter. The best idea is to listen to the wireless and get a time check then
spend the whole day going round putting all your digital clocks right.
do this twice a year to make our lives easier, you know it makes sense.
T (I think)
A proper doughnut
The Krispy Kreme doughnut company is moving into
the UK. British bakeries are worried, it will be hard to compete with the slick
marketing of a wide variety of doughnuts and fresh coffee made in their
Krispy Kreme Roastmaster.
Krispy Kreme's stores "are specially
designed to showcase the doughnutmaking process and provide a multi-sensory
experience for customers" (They even have
video you can watch! ). So what can our brave boys do?
A spokesman for Barry's Bakery and Car
Wash said "We are thinking of getting Doreen to put on a bit of a floor
show like Hooters with roller-skates and that. She'll microwave up the
doughnuts in full view of the customers and spoon the Nescaff into the cup
right there whilst whistling a happy tune, probably one of her Celine Dion
favourites I reckon. Should go down a storm."
Meanwhile at the Country Tea Rooms
proprietress Milicent Morris seemed unconcerned; "Doughnuts? Oh how
common! We serve only the finest cakes and pastries, the most delicious
fresh bread and... mind you they do smell nice... can I just taste? Mmmmmm
grumph munch ahhh! (burp)"
Help may be at hand. The Great British
Doughnut has been launched by BHS to turn the tide of American
gastro-imperialism. Let's hope it's a proper doughnut with jam in it!
wish them good luck, they'll need it. Our high streets are already full of
Starbucks, MacDonalds and Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream "Parlors".
least you can get a cup of fresh-ground coffee there...
Boost to British Olympic hopes
Following the announcement of the Berkeley
Lower Extremity Exoskeleton, or Bleex, a strap-on exo-skeleton which
allows the wearer to run further and carry heavy loads, we now have the British
The Controlled Robotised Assisted
Perambulator is a refinement of Wallace and Gromit's Techno-Trousers
idea and is powered by a BSA Bantam engine concealed between the wearer's
Early overheating problems have hopefully been solved after one
experiment saw the unlucky test wearer exceeding 20mph under his own steam when
the unit caught fire.
It is expected that a miniaturised version will
be concealed beneath new baggy running-suits worn by British teams at the
forthcoming Olympic games.
However, it is rumoured that the Japanese are
developing a 140mph Kawasaki version, so we may just call the whole thing off
and accuse them of cheating.
You've heard the well-known oxymorons such as "Luxury Coach"
and "Military Intelligence" of course but now there is a new one to add to the
list; the "NHS Efficiency Unit".
This fine body of people are so dedicated
to spreading the efficiency message that they booked several conferences at the
exclusive Belfry Hotel (not far from here, very posh it is too!). No doubt this
venue is efficient, but it certainly isn't cheap...
Unfortunately, due to some inefficient scheduling, they found
that they couldn't go.
No doubt saving on phone calls, they failed to
inform the hotel until it was too late and had to pay anyway.
A total of £70,000. That's only for the conferences they
How very efficient!
DIY news kit (delete as appropriate)
Something terrible, marvellous, disgusting,
not very interesting happened today in my town, Bolton, Croatia,
the earth, the solar system involving a footballer, a soap star,
a politician, a crook, a dog or cat, someone else's grandmother, my
grandmother. The consequences will be trivial, serious,
devastating, not very interesting and the public are furious,
apathetic, pathetic, fat, not very interested.
T, F or UB
Oscar success for Lord of Rings
Bilbo and Frodo celebrate
"The Lord of The Rings", a documentary about
Peter Jackson's magic mushroom picking holiday in New Zealand, won several
brass ornaments at the annual Oscars ceremony last night.
awards won were; best Hobbit, best Orc and best old man in a pointy hat.
The event, a tribute to the wit of Oscar Wilde,
seems to have lost its way recently, featuring as it does, a succession of
people who seem to have totally lost what wits they were born with.
The British entry for the Eurovision song contest has been
It is, of course, dire.
With a pop music industry second only to
that of the USA, you'd think that we could come up with something better than a
runner-up in a talent contest!
Perhaps it is our British sense of fair play that holds us
back? Obviously if we fielded Elton John, David Bowie, Tom Jones or even
Liberty X we'd have a better chance. Could it be that we don't want to win?
The Irish thought it was great when they won a few years ago,
but were starting to regret it on the second occasion because it costs a
fortune to stage the thing. In the end they fielded a song so dreadful that
they failed to qualify for the following year's event!
It's a difficult one
We wish James Fox luck (he's going to need it) and let's hope
he scores more than the big fat zero we got last year.
Winamop will follow
the event with interest, look out for our "live" coverage.
Ancient pop legend unearthed.
The 104 year-old crock star Brian Reagan performed his lost
masterpiece "Grimace" at London's prestigious Billingsgate Fish Market last
Unfortunatley the performance had to be cut short when one of
his wooden legs gave way, pitching him off his rocking chair whereupon his
false teeth fell out.
An audience member said: "It was like this magical,
transcendental, life-changing experience for me. He has rekindled something in
my soul and made me give birth to a new and more complete self."
white coats then appeared and took him away.
"Take-away" leaves a bad taste.
Recently a specialist declared that bad taste jokes were a
healthy thing, being a release from the tension of an uncomfortable
Well it appears that Ann Winterton, the Tory MP for Congleton
in Cheshire, needs to tell some more off-colour jokes to defuse the furore
following her recent "cockle-picker" joke.
She told this one, about a shark
and a Chinese take-away, at a Whitehall dinner to improve Anglo-Danish
Let's hope she didn't test the Dane's famous sense of humour too
much, she's already in enough trouble, having lost the party whip (it's
probably down the back of the sofa).
Ann's actually quite a comedian in the Bernard Manning style.
Two years ago she was sacked from the shadow cabinet after telling a racist
joke at a rugby club dinner.
We thought we'd look up a bit more about this wise-cracking
mirth-maker but the Conservative Party has removed her biog from its website.
Never mind, there's always Google's cache!
Google's Cache of Ann's "Conservatives" biog.
Hot News for Cold People
The Gummint has refused to announce that from now
on every Committee, Quango, and section of the Information and Defamation
Services which exist for any official purpose whatsoever will be chaired by Sir
Allan Sundry, the most distinguished whitewasher in Blackhall, capable of
covering from head, if any, to feet, if present, even the darkest or dimmest
Gummint Minister with shiny whitewash in exactly seven minutes, while playing
"Onward Christian Soldiers' on an electric harmonica.
Fear not, from this day forth even A. Campbell,
at present basking in glory as a comedian on the Music Halls, and the
performance artist known as Horrible Hoon will either be clothed daily in white
samite, washed to total purity in Sundry's Soap Powder, or wildly whitewashed
so as to glow weirdly in the dead of night, thus alarming prowling dogs, cats,
owls, foxes, burglars and journalists from the BBC.
Beware! Ridiculous legwear!
With the recent return of the floppy flare to the legs of the
young, an increase in "trouser related incidents" has been noted in accident
statistics. It seems that this form of legwear could lead to tripping..
They could have hit on the answer there. Perhaps the fallers are under the
influence of more than their flapping hems?
Valentine's Day Fiasco
Our special romance correspondent, Wayne Dripp, reports:
It's been a singularly unsuccessful Valentine's day for me.
Eager to join the 100 couples getting spliced at Gretna Green today I had
decided to plight my troth a bit.
Firstly I presented Sexy Sheryl with my Tesco's
big-furry-heart card and she told me that it was cheap rubbish and left me in
no doubt that my prospects of a snog were slim.
Next I tried Alright Andrea with the Ferrero Rocher chocs,
normally a sure-fire winner. She told me to stuff them where the ambassador
wouldn't find them... mind you, knowing what I know about ambassadors, he
may have found them there!
In desperation I approached Lumpy Laura with a bottle of
Happy Shopper Cava, but she said she only drinks BirdstrikeTM® these days.
I guess I'll just have to go home to the
Well thanks Wayne, a salutary lesson for us all I think!
Iain Duncan-Smith as popular as ever.
IDS goes from strength to strength since being evicted from
the Tory leadership.
His "one man show" last night exceeded all expectations
when, not one, but 67 (!) people turned up to see him in the 6,000 seat
Liverpool Philharmonic Hall.
It seems that, as we predicted,
IDS has been forgotten (but not gone).
Pies have come.
Melton Mowbray's pork pie producers are lobbying the European
Parliament to register their name in the same way as "Champagne" or
"Roquefort". These names define not only the style of product but the actual
place of manufacture, Champagne must come from that area of France for
We must be wary of taking this too far.
If all Bakewell
tarts had to be made in Bakewell the whole place would be one big factory,
likewise if all Bath buns had to come from Bath, the roads would be clogged
with bakery lorries.
As for Cheddar cheese... there's so much of the stuff
produced around the world now that all the cows in Southern Britain couldn't
produce enough milk to feed the giant cheese plant which would have to fill the
No, the good piemakers of Melton should be happy in the
knowledge that their pies are the best, and when Safeco's Superstore makes an
own-brand pie out of reject dog-food and labels it as a Melton pie, it is
merely a compliment!
Hutton and on and on...
There is, we understand, a rumour that a committee is to
enquire into the enquiries of the Hutton enquiry. May we suggest that a further
committee be set up to enquire into the enquiries of the committee that
enquires into the Hutton enquiry and yet another committee be appointed to
enquire into the enquiries of that enquiry and of course so on until the full
circle is achieved and Lord Hutton is invited to peer into the entrails of the
Fourteenth Committee which has just gloomed at the inactivities of the 13th
Committee and dot dot and, of course, dot.
This will give employment to a vast number of tedious and
self-important fellows and fellowesses who have no useful occupation and also
to connglomerations of commentators and commenters on commentators and
pontificators on forecasters and wafflers, gabblers, garblers, babblers,
ministerial evaders, prestidigitators, truth-economists and manipulators almost
ad ininitum. A Prize could eventually be presented - a Mop, perhaps, or a Map,
perhops - to the Chairbeing of the Committee adjudged to be the most boring and
irrelevant clanjamferie of them all, the adjudicator to be Sir John Sundry, who
can be relied upon to whitewash any Governmental nobody who crosses his
illustrious path. With acknowledgements to whoever it was who leaked the leak
that a leak was to be leaked to a leaker who would dot dot and, or course,
"You can't leave that here"
Our transport system's inability to cope with bad
weather is rightly legendary. One inch of snow fell on the midlands yesterday
and, despite a weeks notice, the city of Birmingham was gridlocked until
midnight. Things were so bad that many motorists abandoned their cars on
grass-verges etc. and walked home. Some commuter's journeys took 7
Imagine how delighted they were after struggling back to their
vehicles this morning, to find that parking wardens had been busy sticking
tickets on their windscreens.
Give a man a peaked cap and he loses all
Heads Roll after Hutton Report
The media have gone ballistic over the Hutton
report which has just been released. That's the one which had to decide whether
the journalists or the politicians were the biggest liars.... Tough
The journalists got the prize in the end.
The Director General and the chairman of the BBC
board of governors have both resigned and it looks as if Andrew Gilligan will
be taking up his new post of traffic reporter on radio Cumbria soon.
Winamop suggests Alastair Campbell as the new DG.
He reckons he knows everything about the BBC and he's out of a job at the
says Hutton report. It's all the BBC's
Wait a minute though, Hutton was supposed to decide whether the
government dossier about reasons to attack Iraq was truthful or not.
say it was.
We, and most of the weapons inspectors, now know that it wasn't.
There were no WMDs.
Surely all this ballyhoo couldn't be a
smokescreen to distract us from that fact?
Czech mate, lamppost wins.
Jan Sipek, a Czech au pair living in Horam East
Sussex, recently drove his car into a lamppost; but this was only the start of
his run of bad luck.
Another driver stopped to assist and Jan implored him
not to call the police as he was drunk.
Unfortunately he was speaking to
Chief Inspector Peter Mills of Eastbourne Police.
Inspector Mills took a dim
view of this and arrested him.
He has since been fined £400 and given
a 20month driving ban.
Avoid Tuition Fees the Humberside Way.
We've all had those spam e-mails offering degrees
without any exams from some university we've never heard of haven't we?
we missed out on a hot offer from proper British academic establishment The
University of Humberside. Don't bother looking for it now though, it has
since changed it's name to the University of Lincoln. With good
It seems the U of H was offering Israeli
teachers, police and army officers dodgy degrees with no exams, via its local
It is now being investigated by the Israeli police.
Perhaps one of the officers failed his degree?
Mile high club
Reports are coming in of another case of airline pilot
Passengers on the South Honduras International Travel
flight from Tegucigalpa International Terminus were amazed to see pilot
Virgilio Botto reeling towards the plane with a bottle of tequila in his hand.
His behaviour was disgusting said one upset
passenger he belched in front of my wife even though it was her
He was unable to hold his drink claimed another,
slopping it all over the place he was. Fancy spilling good liquor like
that, its terrible!
Mr. Botto claimed that he was Perfelly orraight choo
fly and that he had Oally har a cubble fo ve road
A similar plane
A spokesperson for the airline pilots association commented
This sort of thing does the image of pilots no good at all. To give the
impression that they are all drunkards is unforgivable. The jet-set lifestyle
does of course mean that most pilots are permanently pissed, but they are
acclimatised to it and shouldnt behave in this embarrassing way. Mr.
Botto will be sent on a course of re-training at the George Best school of
alcohol and drug abuse until he can carry his booze with decorum.
Joke "goes down a bomb"
A British student's jolly jape about having a
bomb in her luggage didn't raise a titter with humourless US police officers at
Miami International Airport.
They locked her up.
Quite right too, can't
have people smiling at American airports can we? It would spoil the
general air of misery and frustration wouldn't it?
Now we know that these are serious times, but to
lock up a silly young girl for her duff joke is an over-reaction by josworth
Winamop suggests a visit to Miami by Osama
impersonator and "comedian" Aaron Barschak (he who
gatecrashed Prince William's 21st birthday
party) and they can lock him up.
Do us all a favour!
Tony Blair was quoted today as having "Every
confidence" in defence secretary Geoff Hoon's handling of the flak-jacket
BBC delighted at record audience
Overnight ratings have shown that BBC4's Alan
Clark Diaries attracted a record audience of 93 to the digital
Roly Keating, BBC4 controller, said "It's fantastic that so many
people came to it on its first episode. Our previous best was 56 viewers for a
programme on renaissance art, but it did have some nudes in it".
Bush plans Mission to Mars
The American public are divided on the idea:
Half of them think he should do it.
The other half think he should do
Girl hits back
Women are being ignored when buying gadgets,
according to technology industry experts at the recent Consumer Electronics
show in Las Vegas
A study of women consumers showed that what they
wanted from their shopping experience was a big choice of goods, helpful
salespeople and uncluttered stores.
No argument there.
Its not just women who would like a few
salespeople who appear to know at least something about the products they sell.
Their primary goals at present appear to be:
Feed the customer with a
load of bullsh*t, flog them something they dont need,
over-priced extended warranty
and top it all off with an uncompetitive
The well laid out shops seem designed
to attract you in with an unbelievable bargain which probably isnt
available, then confuse you with aisle after aisle of similar products in no
kind of logical order. This, of course, is to ensure that you traverse as much
of the store as possible before finding what you came in for.
As for the managers special
bargains; theyre just things that nobody could possibly want, with half
the bits missing, offered at a 10% discount.
Did I mention the names Dixons or PC World in
this tirade? No, of course I didnt
You better not! Ed.
British Post Office Axes Mail Trains.
Running since 1838, one has finally arrived.
So, with apologies to W H Auden, our
Now there's no Night Mail crossing the border,
Bringing junk mail and a bankruptcy order,
Writs for the rich and bills
for the poor,
The corner shop's gone, so's the girl next door.
down at Beattock, a steady climb:
The gradient's too much, she's never on
Past brown-field sites and piles of boulder
Belching black fumes
over her shoulder,
Clanking sadly as she passes
Silent miles of GM
Congratulations to Brittney Spears on her recent
marriage. What a romantic thing to do to get married in the New Year, the start
of a new year and the start of a new life....
err... hang on.... news is
just coming in: She's trying to get it annulled, after 2 days.
Well we've all done it haven't we?
4th January 2004
Rain in Scotland? Surely not.
There is something of an inquest into the
circumstances surrounding the cancellation of Edinburgh's famous Hogmanay
celebrations this (or was it last?) year.
It seems the organisers hadn't prepared for the
eventuality of bad weather.... in Scotland... in January!
The bad weather,
which had been forecast for several days, meant that the largely outdoor event
had to be cancelled and hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of advance
Obviously the "media-types" who run the event
have been spending too much time in LA.
They may have to slum it a bit next
year if they lose the contract though...
Welcome to the real world where
it's cold and wet!
Back to the archives.... old news for
the terminally bored. Back to 2003.
T = True story
MT = Mostly true
L = Lies
LF = Lies based on Facts
UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!
Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we
only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm
information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!