Out of date news... 2004 style The rest of 2004.

October 2nd 2004

British Isles turned over by gardener.

TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh this week presented the first episode of a new big-budget series on the British Isles. Shot in glorious "Natural History O_Vision" by the BBC's Bristol rodent watchers, it follows Titchmarsh as he walks, flies, sails and drives around Britain.
We join him on a river bank...

"Ooh this is greaat int it? Smell that country air, and loook at these plants, the cow-parsley the wild pompledaisy and the like, they love it 'ere they really do!"
[Voices off] "Shut up about plants Alan, you're not on Gardeners World now!"

"Ooh ay. OK OK, well now were're approaching a boggy area, I reckon a bit of decking over here would allow you to walk over and enjoy the plants..."
[Voices off] "For goodness sake Alan, get into the helicopter and fly about a bit, then we can have some impressive aerial shots which'll take our minds off your brainless wittering."

A little later..

"Well here we are flying over a forest, now this is very interesting, there's a larch and a scots pine and a birch and a.."
[Voices off] "Oh God, why didn't we use Bill Oddie?"
[Other voice off] "We tried him but he just waffled about birds."
[First voice] "Alan! Get down that coal mine, at least there's no bloody plants down there!"

Later still..

"Eeee, it's reet dark down ere, can't see a thing. There's supposed to be a camera crew and lights somewhere but I can't find 'em. Hello! Anyone there........"

Fade to black to the sound of a heavy door clanging shut.

Next week: The history of the universe presented by Tony Blackburn.

LF

September 28th

New record for Tilting Train

Virgin's new high speed "tilting train" service from Manchester to London got off to a flying start yesterday when a faulty wheel reduced the train's maximum speed to 50mph. The passengers arriving in London 2 hours late were a trifle disappointed, having been promised the fastest-ever time for the journey. It's a good job there weren't any leaves on the line or it might have come to a complete halt.. and just think of the fuel they saved by going so slowly, the "green" lobby will be delighted!
The trains are actually capable of over 140mph but despite years of money being poured into the West coast main line, they can only crank them up to 125mph.. assuming the wheels can stand it.
Virgin boss Richard Branson chose the same day to announce "Virgin Galactic", a project to take tourists into space. Before booking I'd want to make damn sure they can get us back again.. at something quicker than 50mph!

T!

A Virgin train yesterday.

August 28th

Olympic record

US secretary of state Colin Powell achieved a new Olympic record when he left before he'd even arrived at the closing ceremony. This "time-warp" performance was prompted by some anti-war protesters who started throwing things about near the US embassy in Athens.

Surely this didn't come as a surprise to Mr Powell, what with American politicians being so popular around the world?

T

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August 27th

Plucky British athlete loses race.

Our plucky British athletes, though starved of the state-of-the-art performance-enhancing drugs developed for other teams, have turned in an impressive performance by achieving 5th place in almost every event.

"Well I did my best but it just wasn't good enough on the day" is now to be emblazoned on the back of the team shirts and they are lobbying for a new wooden medal to be introduced for 5th place.
"We think our boys and girls should be rewarded for their efforts despite not finishing in the metal-medal positions" said team coach Sam Slow. "This would also be helpful to Belgium and Ireland" he added.

The suggested medals are:
4th place = Die-cast crappite medal (as used for Dinky Toys)
5th place = Wooden medal (aka the "British medal")
6th place = yellow plastic medal on a string
7th place = a chocolate coin
8th place = little round paper sticker with "Nice Try!" printed in comic sans font.

LF

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August 24th

Traffic News with Sally.

An overturned politician is causing an obstruction in Westminster. Emergency services are in attendance and are waiting for heavy lifting gear.
Meanwhile up North, a delay on the Forth Road Bridge is making progress into Manchester slow.
Also be aware that a convoy of slow-moving public works is leading to chaos on most of Britain's motorways.
On the M6, delays are possible until early 2005 so bring plenty of tins of soup and warm clothes.

British Airways have had to cancel a number of flights from Heathrow yesterday and today because of shortness of staff. They are hoping to recruit some taller staff soon.

The department of transport warns that some kind of weather will inevitably give rise to a complete breakdown of the transport system this winter. They wish to make it clear that it has nothing to do with them and that it's all the Met Office's fault.

Remember that the road to salvation is narrow so it's best to avoid it and seek an alternative route, possibly the A666 via Soddom and Gomorrah.

UB.

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August 17th

Prescott makes waves

Deputy Prime-Minister John Prescott (how can you have a deputy prime minister? He's either "prime" or he isn't, surely?.. Ed.) today leapt into a river to save a white-water rafter who'd concentrated more on the "water" than the "rafting" element of the activity.
Although a rescue was effected, Prescott's vast bulk caused a tidal wave which engulfed the Cornish town of Boscastle, washing away cars and buildings as it surged to the sea.

Needless to say a landslide followed, and it wasn't a victory...

LF

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July 24th

Sausage dog causes uproar

We love our pets in Britain.
Walls, a meat company, aired a TV advert recently in which a dog tried to steal a family's sausages as the hapless dad carried them to the table.
The dog was eventually distracted by by a cry of "cat!" and went flying out of the window, which was promptly shut. When he attempted re-entry, he hit the glass and slid down the window in true Tom and Jerry style.

Most amusing, great slapstick and obviously not a real dog in the final shot.
But we Brits can't allow the noble hound to be ridiculed can we?
Of course not. Cruelty to stuffed animals is beyond the pale. The RSPCA complained to Ofcom and the advert hasn't been seen since.

Personally I want to complain about the treatment of the dad in the advert; he is savaged by a dog, ridiculed by his family and nearly loses his sausages. Very nasty.

T

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July 22nd

Water rip-off!

American pet-owners are being sold bottled water to give to their pets, and it's coming over here.
No more dirty old water bowls for Fido and Tiddles, they must have fine china and mineral water, not any-old mineral water either. Specially packaged mineral water for pets!

Looks like a great opportunity for the Cola company we all know and love. Maybe their disastrous bottled-water can be re-launched for pets?

T

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July 10th

New Tennents for T

Franz Ferdinand, the art-school rockers from Glasgow are to be sponsored by low-brow brew Tennents Lager. You know, that cheapo looking stuff you see in Scottish supermarkets that used to have pictures of pinup girls on the can.
Beloved of raucous Glaswegians "on the piss", Tennents hardly qualifies as an aspirational product.

None the less Franz Ferdinand will be espousing the great Scottish tinnie at the T in The Park festival and at other appearances this summer sponsored by the brewers.
Let's hope their current single "Michael" in which singer Alex Kapranos implores said Michael to dance with him, doesn't give Tennents drinkers the impression that they're "jessies", otherwise the sponsorship deal may backfire...
After all Interbrew wouldn't want effeminate guys to be referred to as "a bit of a Tennents drinker" would they?

T

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June 29th

"Life is dangerous" shock!

Scientists warned today that almost everyone alive today will die sometime!
This devastating news news comes after a week of health warnings about mobile phones, smoking, beef, food colourings and the Atkins diet.
"It's getting so bad I'm scared to go out." snivelled Amanda Bluthall though her letterbox when we called on her earlier today.. "I get all the papers" she went on "and it if it weren't for Timbo doing well in the tennis I'd be on the phone to the Samaritans."

Oh dear.

We reckon the Samaritans should be on standy...

L

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June 22nd

New menace blights our lives

Pedestrians in many parts of the country are being terrorised by hordes of old ladies riding high-powered electric wheelchairs on local pavements; reports our reporter Rep Porter.

These "Hell's Grannies" pay no attention to others as they speed past, high on Sanatogen, cackling wildly about getting to the Post Office before it closes.
Some have their wheelchairs "souped up" by topping up the batteries with brown windsor or mulligatawny before they set off. Others have fitted stereo systems and are blasting out Des O'Connor's hits as they whizz past.

"Two of them came up behind me last week," said terrified teenager Dwayne Druggit; "I was just walkin' over to me Citroen Saxo with the Max Power spoilers and they nearly 'ad me over they did! I tried to run after them and stop 'em but me baseball cap blew off and me flashin' trainers blew a fuse".

Police spokesman P.C. Donuttin of the yard said; "It's a modern problem this. These ladies suddenly find freedom after years of being ferried around by some old geezer in a Volvo 440, he dies and they're out on their own for the first time and the speed sort of goes to their heads. We're thinking of putting speed cameras on the pavements outside retirement homes, then we can sting them for some cash... err... I mean we can discourage them from excessive speed."

L

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June 14th

Lose, Lose, Lose

The UK's European election results have been declared and all the major parties have their heads in their hands. It seems that the optimism of last week has evaporated!
The thought of the of all those all-expenses-paid trips to Brussels and Strasbourg going to some Euro-sceptic instead of to them is just too much to bear.
Worse still when the major beneficiary is Robert Kilroy-Silk, a jumped-up TV presenter who was recently ousted from his Gerry Springer type show for expressing racist views in a newspaper.
The people who voted for his UK Independence Party want to stop all this Euro-junketing. In fact they probably want to ban "funny foreign food" and bring back the lash for people who kiss each other on both cheeks.

Needless to say "Kilroy" will be off on the first available first-class flight to Strasbourg in order to "fact-find" his way round all the best hotels and restaurants.

"C'est la vie" as they don't say in the UKIP.

MT

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June 11th

Win, win, win.

Britain has voted in the local government elections and the result is...
Everybody has won!

The Tories are delighted because they have more votes than last time.
The Lib dems are delighted because they came second. They haven't come second for ages!
Labour aren't delighted, but they're pleased they haven't done worse, and hey! the turnout was up!
The Greens are delighted because they eat healthy food and exercise regularly.
The UK Independence Party are delighted because somebody voted for them.
The BNP are too thick to be disappointed with their result.
The Respect Party are err.... who?

What an optimistic lot our politicians are.

T

June 2nd

Chinese Milton Keynes

The Chinese are to build a new town, modelled on an English town, near Shanghai.

Affluent Chinese businessmen aspire to the genteel atmosphere of "Thames Town" which will be populated with fake Georgian and Victorian and half-timbered type houses around a village green. Just to make it more authentic there will also be a catholic church (with spire) and a multi-story car park (with the authentic smell of urine?).

I hope there'll be a Chinese takeaway too.

Unfortunately Thamestown is, in fact, in Ireland.

T

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May 28th

We combat obesity

Britain is becoming a nation of fatties, the government are concerned. Peter Hain has even admitted that a schools scheme sponsored by chocolate maker Cadburys, in which pupils had to eat their way through thousands of sweets to earn sports equipment, was "pretty indefensible".

It is timely then that Winamop should be about to launch the Winamop diet.
We shall, of course, be spamming you with thousands of e-mail messages about amazing weight loss program (sic) etc. but in the meantime here's the general principle:

If you're too fat, don't eat so much.

Yes, we appreciate it's hard to believe that weight loss could be so simple but our experts assure us that this really works!... and it could save you money too!
Eating less food means buying less food and therefore spending less money, double whammy!

We await a raft of counter-claims from the proponents of the eat loads of greasy food and no spuds diet and the stuff yourself with nasty dehydrated concoctions diet but we stand firm. This really works and we can prove it.
Try it for yourself and tell the world "be thin as a mop-'andle with Winamop". We're onto a winner this time!

T

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May 23rd

Piewars II

The Melton Mowbray pie-makers have hit a snag in their bid to preserve the description "Melton Pork Pie" for pies made within 25 miles of the Leicestershire town. (see earlier story).
Back in February the government (presumably encouraged by pie-eater in chief, John Prescott) was firmly behind the case and the European commission was being encouraged to bestow "protected geographical indication status" on the Melton Mowbray pie.

All was going well until Lord Haskins, supremo of Northern Foods, mass producer of naff pies, objected to the idea. Northern Foods stamp "Melton Mowbray" on the pies they make in Hull.
Why does he want to label his pies as something they're not?
Because it gives an impression of quality.
Damn right. It also gives an impression of being made in Melton Mowbray, not Hull!
If he wants to call them Superior or something, that's fine, we know that's a lie.. But a pie labelled Melton should come from Melton, Italian shoes should come from Italy, Champagne from Champagne etc. etc.

It'll be interesting to see who wins this one as Haskins is a Labour Peer and has lots of money... not that that should sway the high court judges of course!

T

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May 21st

Suckers!

A man has been arrested for holding up a building society with nothing more threatening than vacuum-cleaner attachments.
Hoping to clean-up I suppose?

T

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May 13th

Eurotrash returns.

It's time for the Eurovision Song Contest again, the unbelievable tat-fest gets ever bigger. This time it's in Turkey (who by some weird voting, won it last year). The British song is not quite as crap as usual but due to our standing in the world these days no doubt we'll come away with null points again this year.

Winamop will be following the event with interest, it holds a morbid fascination for us. We may well do a live web-cast on Saturday night with a blow-by-blow-until-we-get-bored-and-go-down-the-pub commentary. Check back for further details!

T

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May 12th

Charge it, my a*se!

Boffins have come up with a new system which will do away with the need to carry credit cards when shopping. The biometric system recognises unique characteristics of the customer in order to identify them beyond any doubt. The customer's credit-worthiness can then be established and the transaction authorised.

Early trials with fingerprints and retina-scans all hit problems but the new system is said to be 100% reliable.
The heart of the system is the Auto Recognition Seating Equipment upon which the customer sits in order to have the unique features of their gluteous maximus analysed.
Some customer resistance has been noted when they are told they will have to drop their trousers in order to continue with their purchases but the development team are optimistic:
"We reckon it's just fear of the new. When everyone's used to it we'll all be happy to whip 'em off in the supermarket. After all, it's an excuse for a quick sit-down isn't it?"

Hire-car firm BryteCar are said to be interested in the system to identify the driver in the case of any dispute over traffic offences. The cars would be wired so that they wouldn't start without an authorised bum on the seat.

It brings a new meaning to the phrase being caught with your pants down...

L

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May 6th

Happy Birthday Us!

The world's least popular internet site devoted to literature and words in general has survived, to the amazement of us all, for a whole year.
Despite the amost total apathy of "surfers" Winamop continues to offer its unique blend of news and features to the discerning few.
Winamop's editor, a Champagne swilling jet-setter who goes by the name of "Ed", was today thought to be leaving his penthouse apartment to clinch a multi-million pound publishing deal (although he may have just been off to the chippie for a pie and mushy peas).
All will no doubt be revealed in the next grease-stained edition.

T

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May 4th

Airlines Merge

It seems that Air France has merged with the KLF, creating the biggest airline in the world.
Unfortunately it only flies to Mumu Land.

LF

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May 2nd

It's for you! (by Mr. Grumpy)

Did you know that £70m worth of mobile telephone ring-tones were sold in the UK last year? This makes the ring-tone version of a song a bigger money-spinner than the CD single version, despite the fact that the artist has no involvement in the ring-tone and it is invariably appalling. The current number one ring-tone “diddly-diddly-dum-dum-di-pom” has just replaced “doo-doo-di-dah-di-diddle” which was marginally less annoying. I assume the Police will soon be re-releasing “de-do-do-do, de-da-da-da” and the Crystals 60s hit “da-doo-ron-ron” is a sure fire ring-tone winner.

Just don’t be on the same bus, train or street as me when the damn thing rings though, or you’ll be liable to get a number-one hit where it hurts…

T

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April 27th

Wild and Wooly

A runaway New Zealand sheep has been recaptured after six years roaming free and living in a cave.
Its fleece is now so long and wooly (well how else would it be?) that it will make several coats, which will no doubt be sold at a premium price.
The shearing will be such a momentous event in New Zealand that it will be shown live on TV.
When it's a bit more presentable, it will no doubt have a film made about it, like the Tamworth two.. What is Peter Jackson doing now? Get him on the phone!

T

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April 25th

Censorship or taste?

The oppressive regime in North Korea outraged the "free" world this week by failing to inform its people of the terrible rail crash which killed 160 and injured 12,000.
Meanwhile in the US, pictures of flag-draped coffins returning from Iraq were not to be shown on news bulletins. A nice picture of a jubilant homecoming soldier was to be used instead, for reasons of taste of course.
Well, we might have believed the reasons of taste argument if the US media hadn't printed pictures of the dying Lady Di last week!
Reasons of George Bush getting re-elected more like...

T

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April 19th

Texting texting

The popularity of SMS messaging on GSM 'phones has increased dramatically over the last couple of years. Inevitably this has put a strain on the system which handles all those messages.
Winamop has learned of a looming crisis in the SMS clearing service. We spoke to Frank Wallace who runs the service.

Frank told us: "We're under pressure 'ere these days, Doris does 'er best but some of the spelling is awful so it's not always easy to know if we've got it right. Most of the messages are cobblers too, luv U and CU L8TR and all that crap." Meanwhile Doris was sitting at a small table, surrounded by beeping mobiles, her thumbs a blur as she pressed the keys on one of the 'phones.
"See, if the person who sends the message ain't on the same network as the one it's going to, it comes 'ere and Doris 'as to type it all in. Takes 'er all day and she's getting RSI in 'er thumbs, keeps 'avin' to change 'ands. If something ain't done soon we'll just 'ave to pack it in. It's costin' a fortune in 'orse-linament!"

So please be considerate with your texting, keep messages short and clear and if it's important just ring the person up! That's if Gladys at the cross-network voice-routing centre isn't over stressed too...

L

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April 16th

Top News Team Acused of "Making it up"

The shocking truth behind Internet news site "Winamop" was revealed today when its editor in chief let slip that "Some of our news items are made up".
He went on to add: "In fact, as a news service its about as useful as waterproof mashed potato."
He later, burped, stumbled off in the direction of the gents and was never seen again.

The NUJ have called for an inquiry, but as this kind of behavior is perfectly usual journalistic practise, there will probably be no action taken.
Contd. P94 of the Sun.

L

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April 7th

Terrorist plans revealed.

We eavesdrop on an international terrorist headquarters in Afghanistan…

Chief terrorist “Who has an idea that will cause panic and terror in our enemies?”

First terrorist: “I have! Let’s cause a power surge that knocks out half of America!”

Chief: “No no, they already did that themselves.”

Second terrorist: “What about poisoning all their meat by infecting the animals?”

Chief: “Don’t be an idiot, they’ve already had BSE!”

Third terrorist: “Setting fire to the Underground in London?”

Chief: “They did that too.”

Fourth: “Poisoning the water supply?”

Chief: “Camelford and Disani.”

Fifth: “Destroying the rail system?”

Chief: “Jarvis did that.”

Sixth: “Releasing radioactivity?”

Chief: “Sellafield and Chernobyl”

Seventh: “We could introduce deadly bugs into hospitals.”

Chief: “Done, all done. Look this is hopeless, anything we think of doing to them, they have already done! We may as well blow ourselves up!”

All: “Now there’s an idea!”

L

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March 24th

Elvis was Scottish. Conclusive proof!

Winamop has unearthed this previously unseen picture of "The King" which proves that he really was a Scot.

Our research has been corroborated by Mr Allan Morrison who is about to publish a book on the subject. He has traced the Presley family tree back to the 1700s when they lived in the village of Lonmay in Aberdeenshire.

The original titles of some of his famous songs have also been discovered, Return to Selkirk, Big Hunk O Deep-Fried Mars Bar, Blue Swede Shoes, (or Neeps as they tend to be known) and of course In the Gorbals later given a more American feel when retitled In the Ghetto. [trying a bit too hard there I think... Ed.]

Presley's well known love of unhealthy food must add weight [ha!] to the argument. The Scots are getting a bad press regarding their diet at present, especially as an Edinburgh hotel has just launched a new dessert; the Deep fried Chocolate Sandwich served with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
At 1000 calories a helping, Elvis would have loved it.

PL

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March 32nd

There's no fool...

April the first has been cancelled due to the risk of silly pranks costing the business world millions of pounds. Tomorrow will be April 2nd as normal.

L

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March 27th

Clocks change tonight

Don't forget to put your clocks back tonight, or is it forward? Anyway it happens tonight at 2 O-clock in the morning and then that becomes 3 O-clock, or perhaps 1 O-clock again.
No, that's not right. It happens at 1 O-clock, that's tonight, well, Sunday morning really, and then it'll be 2 O-clock. There'll have been no quarter past one or half-past or anything! In fact 1 O-clock won't really have existed because, just as it was about to happen it became 2 O-clock (unless I've got it wrong in which case we'll get two 1 O-clocks... or does it happen at 2?)

Anyway the net result of doing this is that we'll have to get up earlier tomorrow, or probably later, but it's Sunday so it doesn't really matter. The best idea is to listen to the wireless and get a time check then spend the whole day going round putting all your digital clocks right.
They do this twice a year to make our lives easier, you know it makes sense.

T (I think)

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March 18th

Doughnut Wars!

A proper doughnut

The Krispy Kreme doughnut company is moving into the UK. British bakeries are worried, it will be hard to compete with the slick marketing of a wide variety of doughnuts and fresh coffee made in their Krispy Kreme Roastmaster.
Krispy Kreme's stores "are specially designed to showcase the doughnutmaking process and provide a multi-sensory experience for customers" (They even have a video you can watch! ). So what can our brave boys do?

A spokesman for Barry's Bakery and Car Wash said "We are thinking of getting Doreen to put on a bit of a floor show like Hooters with roller-skates and that. She'll microwave up the doughnuts in full view of the customers and spoon the Nescaff into the cup right there whilst whistling a happy tune, probably one of her Celine Dion favourites I reckon. Should go down a storm."

Meanwhile at the Country Tea Rooms proprietress Milicent Morris seemed unconcerned; "Doughnuts? Oh how common! We serve only the finest cakes and pastries, the most delicious fresh bread and... mind you they do smell nice... can I just taste? Mmmmmm grumph munch ahhh! (burp)"

Worrying indeed.

Help may be at hand. The Great British Doughnut has been launched by BHS to turn the tide of American gastro-imperialism. Let's hope it's a proper doughnut with jam in it!
We wish them good luck, they'll need it. Our high streets are already full of Starbucks, MacDonalds and Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream "Parlors".
Still; at least you can get a cup of fresh-ground coffee there...

MT

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March 12th

Boost to British Olympic hopes

Following the announcement of the Berkeley Lower Extremity Exoskeleton, or Bleex, a strap-on exo-skeleton which allows the wearer to run further and carry heavy loads, we now have the British CRAP version.

The Controlled Robotised Assisted Perambulator is a refinement of Wallace and Gromit's Techno-Trousers idea and is powered by a BSA Bantam engine concealed between the wearer's legs.
Early overheating problems have hopefully been solved after one experiment saw the unlucky test wearer exceeding 20mph under his own steam when the unit caught fire.

It is expected that a miniaturised version will be concealed beneath new baggy running-suits worn by British teams at the forthcoming Olympic games.
However, it is rumoured that the Japanese are developing a 140mph Kawasaki version, so we may just call the whole thing off and accuse them of cheating.

L

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March 7th

"NHS Efficiency"

You've heard the well-known oxymorons such as "Luxury Coach" and "Military Intelligence" of course but now there is a new one to add to the list; the "NHS Efficiency Unit".
This fine body of people are so dedicated to spreading the efficiency message that they booked several conferences at the exclusive Belfry Hotel (not far from here, very posh it is too!). No doubt this venue is efficient, but it certainly isn't cheap...

Unfortunately, due to some inefficient scheduling, they found that they couldn't go.
No doubt saving on phone calls, they failed to inform the hotel until it was too late and had to pay anyway.

A total of £70,000. That's only for the conferences they cancelled...

How very efficient!

T

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March 5th

DIY news kit (delete as appropriate)

Something terrible, marvellous, disgusting, not very interesting happened today in my town, Bolton, Croatia, the earth, the solar system involving a footballer, a soap star, a politician, a crook, a dog or cat, someone else's grandmother, my grandmother. The consequences will be trivial, serious, devastating, not very interesting and the public are furious, apathetic, pathetic, fat, not very interested.

T, F or UB

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March 1st

Oscar success for Lord of Rings

Bilbo and Frodo celebrate

"The Lord of The Rings", a documentary about Peter Jackson's magic mushroom picking holiday in New Zealand, won several brass ornaments at the annual Oscars ceremony last night.
Amongst the awards won were; best Hobbit, best Orc and best old man in a pointy hat.

The event, a tribute to the wit of Oscar Wilde, seems to have lost its way recently, featuring as it does, a succession of people who seem to have totally lost what wits they were born with.

LF

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29th February

Eurovision again

The British entry for the Eurovision song contest has been chosen.
It is, of course, dire.
With a pop music industry second only to that of the USA, you'd think that we could come up with something better than a runner-up in a talent contest!

Perhaps it is our British sense of fair play that holds us back? Obviously if we fielded Elton John, David Bowie, Tom Jones or even Liberty X we'd have a better chance. Could it be that we don't want to win?

The Irish thought it was great when they won a few years ago, but were starting to regret it on the second occasion because it costs a fortune to stage the thing. In the end they fielded a song so dreadful that they failed to qualify for the following year's event!
It's a difficult one to judge.

We wish James Fox luck (he's going to need it) and let's hope he scores more than the big fat zero we got last year.
Winamop will follow the event with interest, look out for our "live" coverage.

T

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28th February

Ancient pop legend unearthed.

The 104 year-old crock star Brian Reagan performed his lost masterpiece "Grimace" at London's prestigious Billingsgate Fish Market last night.

Unfortunatley the performance had to be cut short when one of his wooden legs gave way, pitching him off his rocking chair whereupon his false teeth fell out.

An audience member said: "It was like this magical, transcendental, life-changing experience for me. He has rekindled something in my soul and made me give birth to a new and more complete self."
Men in white coats then appeared and took him away.

L

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26th February

"Take-away" leaves a bad taste.

Recently a specialist declared that bad taste jokes were a healthy thing, being a release from the tension of an uncomfortable situation.

Well it appears that Ann Winterton, the Tory MP for Congleton in Cheshire, needs to tell some more off-colour jokes to defuse the furore following her recent "cockle-picker" joke.
She told this one, about a shark and a Chinese take-away, at a Whitehall dinner to improve Anglo-Danish relations.
Let's hope she didn't test the Dane's famous sense of humour too much, she's already in enough trouble, having lost the party whip (it's probably down the back of the sofa).

Ann's actually quite a comedian in the Bernard Manning style. Two years ago she was sacked from the shadow cabinet after telling a racist joke at a rugby club dinner.

We thought we'd look up a bit more about this wise-cracking mirth-maker but the Conservative Party has removed her biog from its website. Never mind, there's always Google's cache!

Google's Cache of Ann's "Conservatives" biog.

T

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20th February

Hot News for Cold People

The Gummint has refused to announce that from now on every Committee, Quango, and section of the Information and Defamation Services which exist for any official purpose whatsoever will be chaired by Sir Allan Sundry, the most distinguished whitewasher in Blackhall, capable of covering from head, if any, to feet, if present, even the darkest or dimmest Gummint Minister with shiny whitewash in exactly seven minutes, while playing "Onward Christian Soldiers' on an electric harmonica.

Fear not, from this day forth even A. Campbell, at present basking in glory as a comedian on the Music Halls, and the performance artist known as Horrible Hoon will either be clothed daily in white samite, washed to total purity in Sundry's Soap Powder, or wildly whitewashed so as to glow weirdly in the dead of night, thus alarming prowling dogs, cats, owls, foxes, burglars and journalists from the BBC.

L

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19th February

Beware! Ridiculous legwear!

With the recent return of the floppy flare to the legs of the young, an increase in "trouser related incidents" has been noted in accident statistics. It seems that this form of legwear could lead to tripping..
They could have hit on the answer there. Perhaps the fallers are under the influence of more than their flapping hems?

T

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February 14th

Valentine's Day Fiasco

Our special romance correspondent, Wayne Dripp, reports:

It's been a singularly unsuccessful Valentine's day for me.
Eager to join the 100 couples getting spliced at Gretna Green today I had decided to plight my troth a bit.

Firstly I presented Sexy Sheryl with my Tesco's big-furry-heart card and she told me that it was cheap rubbish and left me in no doubt that my prospects of a snog were slim.

Next I tried Alright Andrea with the Ferrero Rocher chocs, normally a sure-fire winner. She told me to stuff them where the ambassador wouldn't find them... mind you, knowing what I know about ambassadors, he may have found them there!

In desperation I approached Lumpy Laura with a bottle of Happy Shopper Cava, but she said she only drinks Birdstrike^TM® these days.

I guess I'll just have to go home to the wife?

Well thanks Wayne, a salutary lesson for us all I think!

UB

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February 9th

Iain Duncan-Smith as popular as ever.

IDS goes from strength to strength since being evicted from the Tory leadership.
His "one man show" last night exceeded all expectations when, not one, but 67 (!) people turned up to see him in the 6,000 seat Liverpool Philharmonic Hall.

It seems that, as we predicted, IDS has been forgotten (but not gone).

T

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7th February

Pies have come.

Melton Mowbray's pork pie producers are lobbying the European Parliament to register their name in the same way as "Champagne" or "Roquefort". These names define not only the style of product but the actual place of manufacture, Champagne must come from that area of France for instance.

We must be wary of taking this too far.
If all Bakewell tarts had to be made in Bakewell the whole place would be one big factory, likewise if all Bath buns had to come from Bath, the roads would be clogged with bakery lorries.
As for Cheddar cheese... there's so much of the stuff produced around the world now that all the cows in Southern Britain couldn't produce enough milk to feed the giant cheese plant which would have to fill the Gorge.

No, the good piemakers of Melton should be happy in the knowledge that their pies are the best, and when Safeco's Superstore makes an own-brand pie out of reject dog-food and labels it as a Melton pie, it is merely a compliment!

T

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30th January

Hutton and on and on...

There is, we understand, a rumour that a committee is to enquire into the enquiries of the Hutton enquiry. May we suggest that a further committee be set up to enquire into the enquiries of the committee that enquires into the Hutton enquiry and yet another committee be appointed to enquire into the enquiries of that enquiry and of course so on until the full circle is achieved and Lord Hutton is invited to peer into the entrails of the Fourteenth Committee which has just gloomed at the inactivities of the 13th Committee and dot dot and, of course, dot.

This will give employment to a vast number of tedious and self-important fellows and fellowesses who have no useful occupation and also to connglomerations of commentators and commenters on commentators and pontificators on forecasters and wafflers, gabblers, garblers, babblers, ministerial evaders, prestidigitators, truth-economists and manipulators almost ad ininitum. A Prize could eventually be presented - a Mop, perhaps, or a Map, perhops - to the Chairbeing of the Committee adjudged to be the most boring and irrelevant clanjamferie of them all, the adjudicator to be Sir John Sundry, who can be relied upon to whitewash any Governmental nobody who crosses his illustrious path. With acknowledgements to whoever it was who leaked the leak that a leak was to be leaked to a leaker who would dot dot and, or course, dot.

Amen.

LF

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29th January

"You can't leave that here"

Our transport system's inability to cope with bad weather is rightly legendary. One inch of snow fell on the midlands yesterday and, despite a weeks notice, the city of Birmingham was gridlocked until midnight. Things were so bad that many motorists abandoned their cars on grass-verges etc. and walked home. Some commuter's journeys took 7 hours!
Imagine how delighted they were after struggling back to their vehicles this morning, to find that parking wardens had been busy sticking tickets on their windscreens.

Give a man a peaked cap and he loses all compassion....

T

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Heads Roll after Hutton Report

The media have gone ballistic over the Hutton report which has just been released. That's the one which had to decide whether the journalists or the politicians were the biggest liars.... Tough call!
The journalists got the prize in the end.

The Director General and the chairman of the BBC board of governors have both resigned and it looks as if Andrew Gilligan will be taking up his new post of traffic reporter on radio Cumbria soon.

Winamop suggests Alastair Campbell as the new DG.
He reckons he knows everything about the BBC and he's out of a job at the moment....

T

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28th January

Government blameless

says Hutton report. It's all the BBC's fault.
Wait a minute though, Hutton was supposed to decide whether the government dossier about reasons to attack Iraq was truthful or not.
They say it was.
We, and most of the weapons inspectors, now know that it wasn't. There were no WMDs.

Surely all this ballyhoo couldn't be a smokescreen to distract us from that fact?

T

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24th January

Czech mate, lamppost wins.

Jan Sipek, a Czech au pair living in Horam East Sussex, recently drove his car into a lamppost; but this was only the start of his run of bad luck.
Another driver stopped to assist and Jan implored him not to call the police as he was drunk.
Unfortunately he was speaking to Chief Inspector Peter Mills of Eastbourne Police.
Inspector Mills took a dim view of this and arrested him.
He has since been fined £400 and given a 20month driving ban.

Doh!

T

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Avoid Tuition Fees the Humberside Way.

We've all had those spam e-mails offering degrees without any exams from some university we've never heard of haven't we?
Well we missed out on a hot offer from proper British academic establishment The University of Humberside. Don't bother looking for it now though, it has since changed it's name to the University of Lincoln. With good reason.

It seems the U of H was offering Israeli teachers, police and army officers dodgy degrees with no exams, via its local franchise operation.
It is now being investigated by the Israeli police.
Perhaps one of the officers failed his degree?

T

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22nd January

Mile high club

Reports are coming in of another case of airline pilot inebriation…

Passengers on the South Honduras International Travel flight from Tegucigalpa International Terminus were amazed to see pilot Virgilio Botto reeling towards the plane with a bottle of tequila in his hand.

“His behaviour was disgusting” said one upset passenger “he belched in front of my wife even though it was her turn!”

“He was unable to hold his drink” claimed another, “slopping it all over the place he was. Fancy spilling good liquor like that, it’s terrible!”

Mr. Botto claimed that he was “Perfelly orraight choo fly” and that he had “Oally har a cubble fo’ ve road… err… air!”

A similar plane

A spokesperson for the airline pilots association commented “This sort of thing does the image of pilots no good at all. To give the impression that they are all drunkards is unforgivable. The jet-set lifestyle does of course mean that most pilots are permanently pissed, but they are acclimatised to it and shouldn’t behave in this embarrassing way. Mr. Botto will be sent on a course of re-training at the George Best school of alcohol and drug abuse until he can carry his booze with decorum.”

L

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21st January

Joke "goes down a bomb"

A British student's jolly jape about having a bomb in her luggage didn't raise a titter with humourless US police officers at Miami International Airport.
They locked her up.
Quite right too, can't have people smiling at American airports can we? It would spoil the general air of misery and frustration wouldn't it?

Now we know that these are serious times, but to lock up a silly young girl for her duff joke is an over-reaction by josworth officers.

Winamop suggests a visit to Miami by Osama impersonator and "comedian" Aaron Barschak (he who gatecrashed Prince William's 21st birthday party) and they can lock him up.
Do us all a favour!

T

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20th January

Hoon doomed

Tony Blair was quoted today as having "Every confidence" in defence secretary Geoff Hoon's handling of the flak-jacket case.

Bye Geoff!

T

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17th January

BBC delighted at record audience

Overnight ratings have shown that BBC4's Alan Clark Diaries attracted a record audience of 93 to the digital channel.
Roly Keating, BBC4 controller, said "It's fantastic that so many people came to it on its first episode. Our previous best was 56 viewers for a programme on renaissance art, but it did have some nudes in it".

LF

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14th January

Bush plans Mission to Mars

The American public are divided on the idea:

Half of them think he should do it.

The other half think he should do it....

T

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13th January

Gadget Girl hits back

Women are being ignored when buying gadgets, according to technology industry experts at the recent Consumer Electronics show in Las Vegas

A study of women consumers showed that what they wanted from their shopping experience was a big choice of goods, helpful salespeople and uncluttered stores.

No argument there.

It’s not just women who would like a few salespeople who appear to know at least something about the products they sell.
Their primary goals at present appear to be:
Feed the customer with a load of bullsh*t, flog them something they don’t need,
add an over-priced extended warranty
and top it all off with an uncompetitive finance deal.

The “well laid out” shops seem designed to attract you in with an unbelievable bargain which probably isn’t available, then confuse you with aisle after aisle of similar products in no kind of logical order. This, of course, is to ensure that you traverse as much of the store as possible before finding what you came in for.

As for the “manager’s special” bargains; they’re just things that nobody could possibly want, with half the bits missing, offered at a 10% discount.

Did I mention the names Dixons or PC World in this tirade? No, of course I didn’t….

You better not! Ed.

T

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9th January

British Post Office Axes Mail Trains.

Running since 1838, one has finally arrived.

So, with apologies to W H Auden, our tribute.....

Now there's no Night Mail crossing the border,
Bringing junk mail and a bankruptcy order,
Writs for the rich and bills for the poor,
The corner shop's gone, so's the girl next door.
Breaking down at Beattock, a steady climb:
The gradient's too much, she's never on time.
Past brown-field sites and piles of boulder
Belching black fumes over her shoulder,
Clanking sadly as she passes
Silent miles of GM grasses.

T

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5th January

Nuptual bliss?

Congratulations to Brittney Spears on her recent marriage. What a romantic thing to do to get married in the New Year, the start of a new year and the start of a new life....
err... hang on.... news is just coming in: She's trying to get it annulled, after 2 days.

Well we've all done it haven't we?

T

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4th January 2004

Rain in Scotland? Surely not.

There is something of an inquest into the circumstances surrounding the cancellation of Edinburgh's famous Hogmanay celebrations this (or was it last?) year.

It seems the organisers hadn't prepared for the eventuality of bad weather.... in Scotland... in January!
The bad weather, which had been forecast for several days, meant that the largely outdoor event had to be cancelled and hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of advance tickets refunded.

Obviously the "media-types" who run the event have been spending too much time in LA.
They may have to slum it a bit next year if they lose the contract though...
Welcome to the real world where it's cold and wet!

T

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Back to the archives.... old news for the terminally bored. Back to 2003.

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Key:

T = True story

MT = Mostly true

L = Lies

LF = Lies based on Facts

UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!

Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!