Ancient News from 2004 On to 2005?

24th December 2004

Queen's message preview.

Winamop has intercepted the one of the early tapes of the Queen's Christmas message from a rubbish bin outside Buckingham Palace...

(Queen's voice) "Hello one two, testing testing. Is one on?"

(Sound man) "Yes your majesticness, crack on now."

(Queen) "Yees, you nasty little man, one will crack on when one is ready. Ahem (clears throat) My loyal subjects.."

(Producer) "Tony wants you to say citizens m'am."

(Queen) "Look, you oik, I'm the bleedin' Queen and you're my subjects right? Tony can take his citizens and stuff them up his..."

(Producer) "Yes m'am, OK we'll go with subjects if you insist."

(Queen) "You better believe it buddy! Ahem. (clears throat) Well, it's been another annus horribilis here at the palace..."

(tittering in background)

(Queen) "Look, I said annus right? It means year! Anyway; that bloody dog of Anne's has eaten one of my favourite corgies, should've had the thing locked in the tower when it bit those children in the park...
Phillip!.. Phillip!... (sounds of shuffling about, swearing, bumping into things etc.) Will you stay still? One is trying to record one's heartwarming Christmas speech."

(Phillip) "For goodness sake woman, nobody wants to hear you droning on on Christmas day. They want Ant and bloody Derek and the Pop Idiots or somesuch cobblers!"

(Queen) "Oh stuff it one isn't doing it then, there's no fee anyway. Pass the gin, it's in that Tupperware box.... (slurp, burp)... That's better, merry Christmas one and all!"

L

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17th December

Wright Flight Flop

"By our skills and daring we will continue to lead the world in flight." Said George W as he stood beside a pile of matchsticks which had, only moments before, been a replica of the Wright brother's Kitty Hawk.
It had failed to get off the ground.

100 years ago, the original Kitty Hawk reached the dizzy height of several feet as its 12-second flight was witnessed by a few onlookers.

In another 100 years we'll probably be back to bumping along the ground if current trends continue:
The 21st century aeronautical industry has so far failed to come up with a successor to Concorde, the 1960s supersonic passenger jet which was finally pensioned-off last month.
The age of supersonic passenger flight is over, Thunderbirds were wrong... and so is George W.

T

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12th December

Coventry enters new millennium

The city of Coventry is often overlooked, and wisely so, for apart from the superb cathedral there hasn't been much to recommend it.
But just as everyone else's "millennium" project is going bust (or already has, in the case of the dome), Coventry finally get theirs finished.
Millennium place, an open plaza where events can be held, is the heart of the scheme and is set to re-launch Coventry into the cultural big league tomorrow with a concert by... errr... Atomic Kitten...
Top choice.

T

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10th December

Troll road opens

A new road for Trolls has opened near Birmingham.
Trolls who do not wish to travel to Birmingham can now avoid it by taking the M6 Troll which will take them to Cannock instead.

Is that really a good thing?

LF

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8th December

Sock seizure shock

British special-branch officers have seized some terrorists socks from a house in England. These socks of mass destruction were attached to a piece of string and could probably have been hung around a terrorists neck, say police.
"The socks contained traces of T.N.T, P.E.T.N, R.D.X and S.W.E.A.T which could form a devastating combination" one officer warned.
"We are also urging people to keep a lookout for exploding underpants, biological bras and thermonuclear thongs. You can't be too careful these days. Mind how you go now. Evenin' all."

Police will be on the trail of the terror-socks over the next few weeks, so double-check those innocent looking Christmas stockings and don't hang them too near the fire.....

T-ish

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3rd December

Shock news from Schumacher

Michael Schumacher, world champion racing driver supreme, has signalled his intention to reintroduce the challenge to his racing. After another easy championship triumph for Michael and his Ferrari in 2003 he has decided to switch to struggling team Bill's Motors Racing next year.

Bill Hoskins, team supremo, explains the modus operandi of Team Bill's:
"Well we got two nice motors, Mike'll be driving the MG Montego 'cos it's got a good turn of speed and handles nice whereas Damon, our other top-name signing, 'e'll 'ave the XR3i.
What we're 'opin' for is to get in the way a bit and punt some of the others off the circuit, Mike's proved 'is worth on that score many times, so I reckon we've a good chance."

Bills is a small outfit and doesn't have the resources of the larger teams but they are not downcast:
"No 'course not mate! Mike and Damon'll bring their own sandwiches and I've got a nice little caravan that we can tow behind the Montego. We'll be real comfy!
If Mike does well we'll even get a tin of them bratwurst things as a special treat I reckon!
If Damon does well.... err... well it's not very likely is it really?"

L

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2nd December

Public service pop.

The BBC put it's foot in it's (presumably toothless) mouth when it announced that the revolting fizzy pop, Coca Cola was to be plugged on the newly revamped Top Of The Pops TV show and the Radio1 top 40.
Just at the time when the government is considering putting health warnings on junk food!

Presumably now that Coca Cola is helping public service broadcasting in this way it will be exempt from the warnings?

Watch out for a "MacDonalds, Proud sponsors of the Labour Party" advert soon...

MT

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1st December

Don't phone home.

The use of hand-held mobile phones by British drivers, became illegal today.

Our Motoring Correspondent, Max Revs, phoned in this report.

"Well it's hands free for me from now on! You join me in the driver's seat of the new turbo-charged Subaru Forester doing 110mph on some back roads covered in wet leaves and horse manure . I'm reporting in on my mobile phone in compliance with the new regs which I think are pretty foolish I can tell you!"

"It's a good job that the Subaru is a sure footed as someone who's very sure about their feet, oh yes indeed. Just listen to that engine note, fabulous! Perhaps I should really change gear now as I'm still in second? Hang on a sec.... it's a bit tricky whilst holding the phone and steering with my knees... whoops!"

At this point the line went dead and we received the rest of the report sometime later.

"Hello again. Max Revs now test driving one of the NHS's latest hospital beds. This one's got traction control built in too.... ouch! That's enough traction surely nurse!"

"Anyway the hands-free thing was a complete disaster. How anyone is supposed to drive properly without using their hands beats me, changing gear is nigh-on impossible! I can see the point of it though, being able to text people whilst driving would be very useful. I guess I'll just have to keep practising. I wonder if Subaru will lend me another Forester to complete the test?"

A spokesman for Subaru did comment but we are unable to reproduce it here for fear of prosecution under the obscene publications act.

L

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19th November

Unpresidented security...

It seems that despite hundreds of extra police vetting all incoming visitors to the UK, George Bush has still managed to get in!
What with that and the palace being full of Daily Mirror reporters it's a good job that the terrorists are more incompetent than the security forces...

T

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15th November

Train company makes profit!

Hornby, the makers of model railway and Scalextric car racing kits are expanding after an increase in profits.
Having had success with a Hogwarts Express train set they have turned their attention to maximising the market for the Scalextric road-racing sets. They are introducing Scalextric skateboarding Simpsons characters, skateboarding Ninja Turtles and Scalextric GP motorcycles (not on skateboards).
Fantastic! I want a set of skateboarding Jarvis executives who fly off the track due to incomplete points installation and get eaten by the dog....

T

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10th November

Scotsmen wear skirts says EU.

A month ago discredited Euro statistics agency "Eurostat" issued a questionnaire to Scottish firms about the products they sold. Unfortunately for kiltmakers, there was no space in which to enter the national dress. They were told to enter kilts as "Ladies Skirts".

Large, hairy legged Scotsmen the country over were incensed at the suggestion that they wore skirts. The Scottish Executive leapt into action (there's a first time for everything and, after all, this was of national importance) and had the forms amended.

So the crisis is now averted, but just wait until they try and audit the haggis population....

T

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8th November

Danger ships arrive.

Not only has the cruise liner packed with vomiting passengers just returned from the Med but a couple of ex US-Navy ships jammed with asbestos have docked at Hartlepool.
What with that and Sellafield inviting the world to send its radioactive waste over here for reprocessing things are getting pretty bad.
Isn't there anywhere else in the world where they would accept a load of toxic crap?
Let's see where MacDonuts are opening the most restaurants and send it all there.

LF

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6th November

Winamop at the MTVEurope Music Awards

1945hrs: Well here we are, live from Edinburgh at the MTV awards....
What an amazing talent Kelly Osborne is! Witty, respectful, knowledgeable and pretty. A joy to behold.

Hang on, who's this in the circus clown's outfit, with mad hair, a pink shirt, bow tie, colourful braces and matching socks? Surely it must be local hero, Sir David Steel, he's grown since we last saw him and what a good tan too!
Oops no! It's Wally 2000, or whatever his name is, from Outkast.

2005hrs: Oh dear. The poor woman! Christina Aguilera's just come on and we can all see her bottom! What a terrible faux-pas!
Now here's a bald man in a leather kilt... bring back Christina! Ah here she is in a different outfit, she must have sent the first one to the menders.

2100hrs: Just awoken from a deep sleep. It appears Dido was performing live.
Oh well, just in time for the hip-hop award, and what a surprise, Eminem's won it... what a pity he didn't have time to finish his tea before coming on the TV. Why does the sound keep cutting out? Surely he wasn't swearing in his acceptance speech?

2120hrs: Hold the front page, there's been some kind of alien invasion, or explosion...
Ah! It's AC-DC! errr, no it isn't it's Queen (Freddie's looking OK considering he's been dead for years).

I've just been told that it's a new beat combo from East Anglia who are quite popular at the moment The Darkness.
Are you sure it wasn't The Sweet?

2145: The Quickfit Fitters have come onto the stage, dancing in their overalls.
Oh, sorry, I'm wrong again, It's Missy Elliott and some gentleman friends.

According to MTV Europe, the best female is Christina Aguilera!
Well that's lucky because she's hosting the show....
This is outfit number six I think, now if the award was for most outfits she would have deserved it!

Best male is Justin Timberlake. What a lovely couple they'll make.

2210: Goodness me! Lots of naked people! In Scotland! In November! Brrrr... Is this what passes for entertainment these days?
I must say I like it!

Coldplay are the best group in the world... again. No points for originality there.

Ah goody, here comes Kelly and she's slagging off Christina again (best of pals really of course). I like a little edge, better than all this mutual admiration stuff. Go Kelly, stick one on her!

Booo! Justin Timberlake has just arrived for his third award! Robbie must be feeling a bit cheesed as he's been nominated for practically everything except best female and hasn't won a thing. Poor fellow.

Oh dear, there seems to be something wrong with the sound, or we have regressed to 1983, or it's Kraftwerk.

2235: Christina's back in outfit number ten and she's having a pop at Kelly, rise above it dear, you have more dresses than she does!
Now she's examining the contents of several Scotsmen's kilts.
This really is a high class show. Thankyou MTV!

Beyonce has just come on to accept her award for being gorgeous and not having won anything else. Well done!

Pink has taken to the stage in a rather tight catsuit sporting a barbed tail. Brazen Hussie!
She's doing some throbbing rock'n'roll, maybe she should team up with the Darkness?

2245: Well that's about it. I must say I didn't enjoy it much, far too raucous and it's past my bedtime.
So goodnight from the team here in Edinburgh, we're off to sink a few bevvies with the MTV kids.
Are you sure they're old enough to come to the pub? No? What a pity........

T

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2nd November

Otis Tarva makes a comeback

A Great Bustard

Never heard of him? Not surprising really, it's not a '60s soul singer (although it does make a loud rasping sound), it is better known as the Great Bustard, a turkey-like bird weighing up to 15kg. This former native of the British Isles has been extinct here since the early 19th century and previous attempts to re-introduce it have failed.

The bird's habitat has been under pressure due to modern agricultural methods and shortage of open grassland in the UK... Um... It is a shy bird and won't come out to parties unless it can bring its friends.

A team of ornithologists is hoping to settle a breeding pair somewhere or other... err, look are you sure we've got the right picture there?

It's Nell! That's the woman with the enormous 'orse who rides at the Beaufort hunt. I hope she doesn't see this or we're really in trouble... you don't argue with Nell (or her horse).

Here's a picture of a Bustard.

T

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1st November

Postal strike spreads

The British Post Office is in turmoil as "wildcat" strikes take place throughout the country disrupting mail delivery.
Customers have started to express their opinions on the strike:
"For goodness sake!", Brian Crump of Wapping exclaimed, "My letterbox has been completely devoid of offers of credit cards, loans and charity appeals. What am I going to line the hamster's cage with now?"
"As if that weren't inconvenient enough, I have no bills to pay.... Come to think of it, I haven't had any postcards from my aunt Hilda recently either."
"Perhaps they should stay out!"

Thanks Brian.

LF

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31st October

Harley Rider detained

Harley Davidson rider Pete Wilson was detained by the authorities yesterday on a charge of "riding a Harley whilst clean shaven".
When asked where was his beard he could only mumble something about being fed up with it and shaving it off!
He could be charged with the more serious offence of "bringing Harley riders into disrepute" if he doesn't come up with a more convincing argument.
We should point out that his beer-gut was in perfect condition so that should count in his favour.

L

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30th October

IDS out (What a surprise).

"I'll fight to the finish" he said.
Well for him, it's finished, and he didn't fight!
Had he landed a punch on Michael Portillo, owner of the cheesiest website we've seen for a long time, we'd all have applauded.
But he didn't.
He didn't bat an eyelid.
His upper-lip remained stiff as he lost the vote of no competence... or was it no charisma?

Bye then.

Who will remember him in a years time?

T

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29th October

'Ello 'Ello, need another pinta?

West Midlands Police are to use milkmen, driving instructors and delivery drivers as trouble spotters to help reduce crime in Halesowen.
This is all very well, although I don't suppose the milkman would be much good in a high-speed pursuit, but what happens when the trouble spotter spots a suspicious incident?
Well he could go after the miscreant with a bottle of silver-top but he's supposed to report it to the Police. So guess what happens next?
Yes, that's right, nothing, nada, naff-all. The real Police are all too busy filling in mountains of Tony Blair's new paperwork to get off their bottoms and investigate...

T

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25th October

UK sport not dead

Our international sportsmen are off to Canada to reclaim a little of the kudos lost by our soccer / cricket / athletic teams.
They are to compete in the world "Scissor Paper Stone" championships..

Team Captain James Lawson said "Our chosen sport has all the intensity, drama and excitement of a Rugby World Cup and the team I've put together is determined to carry the trophy home."

No we didn't make that one up...

T

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23rd October

Who?

Iain Duncan Smith's tenuous grasp of the leadership of the Tory party is under threat again.

  Who?

Iain Duncan Smith, you know, the "quiet man"?

  Doesn't ring a bell... you say he's Tory leader, isn't that William Hague?

No! It's Iain Duncan Smith, two 'i's and two surnames. Looks a bit like Hague but has no sense of humour.

  Can't say I know the chap, was he at Blackpool?

Yes, he made a speech looking down at the autocue all the way through.

  So he's going is he?

The vultures are circling, yes. It's evidently because he doesn't have a high enough public profile.

  Hmm, that's hard to believe isn't it? What was his name again?

Doh!

T

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22nd October

Fish to go

Fairgrounds operating in Liverpool have been forbidden to give away goldfish in plastic bags as prizes.
This traditional reward for knocking a coconut off a stand or hooplah-ing a vase is no longer politically correct as it's cruel to the fish.

Cruelty to fish is not to be encouraged of course, so how about Liverpool council banning fishing? After all, is it crueller to put a fish in a plastic bag full of water or to wrench it out of the river with a hook stuck through its mouth?

Get things into perspective chaps....

T

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20th October

The Starvation is over

Well it's been a long time.
Forty-four days without solid food, an impressive achievement.
We spoke to the emaciated being in a hospital bed..

"So how long have you been surviving without food?"
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, my anorexia is getting worse."
"Thanks... err... Sharon. I think we're in the wrong room."

Over to our correspondent in Ethiopia.

"Mtumi, how long have you been surviving without food now?"
"About 6 weeks this time Brian, the famine is getting worse."
"Thanks... err... I think we're in the wrong country.

Wasn't there someone else we should've spoken to?
No I didn't think there was....

LF

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19th October

Blood crisis averted.

A call from the Scottish National Blood Service for more blood has been answered generously by Scottish donors.
The SNBS had feared that supplies of the famous breakfast dish Black Pudding would dry up if supplies weren't forthcoming.

Thanks to the generous donors, Scottish breakfasts are safe. (The breakfasts are safe, not the consumers of the cholesterol fest...)

LF

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18th October

What's in a name?

Children's names are getting sillier. These days it's not just the rich and famous who give their babies ridiculous names, everyone's doing it.
One of the trends is to name the child after favourite products such as Nike or Reebok for boys and there are many instances of girls being named "Channel".

One sad statistic to come out of this survey is that there were 24 infants lumbered with the name "Unique" in the last year...

T

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14th October

Is that bloke still there?

We've all forgotten about David Blaine the famous 'Aunt Sally'. He's been in his box for 38 days now.
Even the egg-throwers are losing interest.

Winamop predicts he'll pull some sort of a stunt in the next few days to remind us he's still dangling there.
Urgent medical attention suddenly required perhaps?

Place your bets now.

(Sorry for reminding you... got any out-of-date eggs? I'm off to London tomorrow).

T

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12th October

Bags of room on board.

Except on Virgin Trains.
To allow them to carry more people on their trains, Virgin have hit on the idea of sending the luggage by road. Presumably this means they can offer sleeping accommodation in the luggage racks?

So as you travel by train to Exeter your luggage is stuck in a traffic jam near Preston. Don't worry, it'll be there in a day or two.
Winamop suggests cutting out the middle man, if the luggage is going by road why not go with it and tell Dicky Branson to stuff his hopeless trains?

T

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11th October

Jarvis decide not to fix the railways any more and their share price goes up. See 18th September.
So who is fixing the wretched things then? I thought I hadn't seen Brian from the garage for a while...

MT

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10th October

FCUK me! We're in trouble this time.

Some time ago French Connection, the clothing company, had the frightfully amusing idea of calling themselves French Connection UK and trading under the initials F.C.U.K. geddit?
The opportunities for suggestive advertising thus afforded were not overlooked, such as a new scent marketed to American teenagers called Scent to Bed. The promotional gimmick being a sample in a teen mag with the tag line "Open this and try to fcuk her". Ho ho! and it's not really rude at all is it?
Well the powerful lobby group The American Family Association thought it was. An internet campaign said "For a major retailer to sell this type of product is reprehensible to me." Well, grammar aside, they were seriously annoyed and have managed to get Bloomingdales and Mays department stores to withdraw the stuff, Marshall Fields may follow.

A spokesman for FCUK said "Oh siht!"

MT

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9th October

Happy Birthday WD40!

"Water Dispersant" 40 has been around for 50 years today. It was developed to prevent NASA's rockets rusting and has been used for many purposes since.

It has been used by a Fire Department to free a naked man from an air-conditioning duct. It has been used to aid in the unwrapping of a python from the steering wheel of a bus and there are those who claim it is effective in easing stiffness in arthritic joints.

A hostess reported that she sprays the top of her toilet cistern with WD40 to prevent addicts using cocaine in the lavatory.

One thing it shouldn't be used for is cleaning the weeny little buttons on the control panel of a video recorder. My brother-in-law sprayed his with it and the machine hasn't worked since.

T

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7th October

Radio 1 raises Irritation Factor.

Chris Moyles, recently voted Radio's most irritating DJ is to replace Sara Cox (the almost as irritating "Coxy") on the breakfast show.
The decision is interesting as the Radio 1 breakfast show has been losing listeners for the past couple of years and the appointment of the buffoon Moyles must surely accelerate the decline.

At least "Five" TV bosses have seen sense, Moyles' witless chat show is soon to be axed due to virtually immeasurable viewer numbers.

T

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4th October

Bad day for American magicians

On the same day that David Blaine (who is fasting in a perspex box over the Thames in London) started babbling rubbish about omelettes, a more serious problem afflicted Roy Horn during a performance in Las Vegas.

The act "Siegfried and Roy, Masters of the Impossible" involves Lions and Tigers on stage.
The animals are, presumably, made to perform stunts in front of the audience.

Well one particular tiger obviously decided that it had suffered indignity enough, and bit Mr. Horn who is now critically ill in hospital.
The tiger is "in custody". No change there then.

At least the only dumb animal suffering in Blaine's stunt is Blaine himself.

T

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3rd October

More ground-breaking science

Following on from yesterday, it seems that Harvard have come up with the "Ig Nobel" prize for pointless research.

Amongst the candidates are: an Australian project called "An analysis of the forces required to drag sheep over various surfaces" and a Zicklin School of Business collection of data on "the anomalies of daily life" such as what percentage of youths wear baseball caps back to front.

We are amazed that Loughborough University don't get a mention...

Who was it who did the research on the likelihood of dropped toast landing butter-side-down?

T

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2nd October

That takes the biscuit!

Researchers at Loughborough University have discovered the reason that biscuits crack.
It's all to do with the rate at which the different regions of the biscuit expand or contract as they cool. Some parts expand because they absorb moisture whereas some contract as they dry.
Hence the cracks.

Except that they don't do they? I haven't bought a packet of biscuits that have had more than the end one cracked for ages. That can be put down to rough handling.
I think that they just embarked upon the research so that they could have an endless supply of biscuits.

Watch out for the next daft Loughborough research project...
The flavour of tea or coffee perhaps?

T

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1st October 2004

Show goes down well...

Audience members dressed as nuns plummeted into the orchestra pit at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham when part of the stage collapsed.
They had been participating in a "Sing-Along-A-Sound of Music" show.

Bad Joke:
So how long have you been dressing up as a nun?
Oh, it's just a stage I'm going through....

T

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Even older news.... back to the good old days! (The rest of 2004)

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Key:

T = True story

MT = Mostly true

L = Lies

LF = Lies based on Facts

UB = Utter Boll... err.. Balderdash!

Note: To comply with time-honoured journalistic practices, we only use single sources and never check our facts. If we cannot obtain firm information we make it up.
Rupert made us do it!