I want his name...
To go to his land..
You cant, its lost, undiscovered country.
I want to hear music..
Theres a place down the street that used to be
She smelled of earth, of the ginseng gum we would chew by the
pack while walking through Chinatown.
She had secrets to tell, but the half hearted way in which she
told them always made me feel doubtful.
Just to win, I hadnt thought about her at all in ages.
Even when I caught our symphony on the radio. I had a dream once that she came
by, but it was my old place, the one I never let her see. Eggs and Rico were
there too and for some reason I had to fix a window, feeling bad the whole
I woke up, as my eyes opened that earthy smell fleeing the room.
We just sort of drifted apart, both of us going after our own deals.
Although neither of us would say it out loud, it must have meant
something. She acknowledged this, much to Joannes annoyance, in the gift
of a small vial containing one of her tears from the requiem. And I in a
private pledge to never again combine drugs and symphony with anyone else.
Someone whose name I should know told me she was dead.
The funeral was like a dream, everyone looking vaguely familiar.
She had wanted the second movement of Beethovens eighth to be played,
possibly over and over, but someone had made a mistake and a scratchy version
of the seventh was on.
I bowed my head before the faded doll that had been her. She had
always wanted to be buried barefoot, saying that she couldnt sleep with
shoes on. I had no way of checking.
The seventh started up again. I walked away.
The final frustration of death, total misunderstanding.
Even if they had gotten the music right, no one would know what
it meant. Only me, who had been with her during intermission behind the church
puffing away until it was time to rejoin the largo. We are all in our own
movies, most of them dull. I knew it would be cinematic to now go to the ocean
or a mountain top and howl, but it was raining.
Hands in pocket I stop under the umbrella of a hot dog cart and
get something to eat. Walking off, into the rain, head bowed, mouth full,