Dilemmas of a Lonely Man
by Don Magin

 

Should I buy deodorant

Or simply anti-perspirant?

Whatever will my darling think?

Will she forgive me if I stink?

Or would it cause her much more pain

To see me with an armpit stain?

 

That's not the only choice I have

When choosing products for my lav

My mouthwash too leaves me perplexed

Does mint make me seem oversexed?

Or will my mediciny breath

Bring about romantic death?

 

Toothpaste choice, another blur.

Which do I think she would prefer?

Does she look for whiter teeth

Or does she see decay beneath?

Will baking soda be the best

Or paste plus gel provide the zest?

 

My hair will also be a focus

Needing serious hocus-pocus

What should I get to halt the frizz

Check shampoo analysis:

Dimethicone might do the trick

(or is that just expensive shtick?)

 

Will stearates leave a pearly finish

Or make my hair appear too thinnish?

What’s this retinyl palmitate,

Does it affect fertility rate?

Can what I use to groom my pelt

Affect, you know, below my belt?

 

Ignoring body hair removal

Also meets with disapproval.

Girls didn’t use to give a hoot

If I was classified hirsute.

Beware “Down There” of being fuzzy,

It’s tantamount to being scuzzy.

 

Decisions like this give me pause

Are not there romantic laws?

From what I see on my TV

It seems that surely there must be.

If fresh and clean is how it seems,

Then she will love me! -- in my dreams!

 

 

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