Eileen Myles.
I hadn't read a book
in 21 weeks
more or less
but I'd skimmed
that Eileen Myles
Best Of that came out
and my girlfriend
had told me
if I didn't dust the bathroom
and clean out the shower
then soon enough we were going
to be through.
the sky was pale,
implacable
as a white ice-cube,
all white
north and east,
and the birds had stopped traveling,
started spending time in trees.
I leaned back
and looked at
what was stacked on my windowsill:
3 winebottles holding candles,
a box of pennies
and 8 books bought last week
in a quick fit
of literature.
my girlfriend
was away until monday.
plenty of time for cleaning;
I turned on the radio
and tried out
Myles
again.
Cold
mornings.
drunk again,
typing emails, girlfriend
in bed, blinking at 1
in the morning. the light
on the walls, cold
and uncharitable
as frost
on a suburb
lawn.
fresh as waking
on cold
bright mornings.
uncomfortable
as a cold
morning.
Raw august
apples.
at Joan.
she told me
when we were going through
charge documents
that she was still on
only 19k a year
after at least a decade
working. and every place
I end up
there's always someone
there like that. and it's an older lady,
(usually it's a lady),
unmarried, unmarriageable
and miserable,
without any strength
beyond the bullish power
to stay and the will to live
and live on through suffering
but always determined
to make everyone
as miserable as they are. and I try
I do try my best
to be friends with them,
because nobody
asks to get stuck and uninteresting. I
try
for less of this disdain; to see
past their bitterness
like raw autumn apples
and the opportunity
to share a pie. but god
help me; sometimes
it's difficult. not
the unpleasantness. no, I mean
the attempting to make the work
matter. a 19k job at 65
in a company
which doesn't see you
as anything but that
is not something
you should see
as anything
like
important.
Buildings and
bridges.
the light
comes off buildings
and bridges
and flips
upside-down,
to wrinkle
the river.
the city,
one huge
and shining coin,
tossed in the air,
tumbling,
going over.
Ronnie's
Local
was just this bar,
you know? a place
of broken
doorways. pieces of city
dragged in
off the roadside; old seats
and parts of cars.
like a shape
on a beach somewhere
made out of crabshells. driftwood
foraged
and dead dogs' bones.
I was there
one christmas it was brilliant. after
I'd been
in canada
for 3 months, and still didn't have
many friends. and others,
just like that,
just looking
for someone to talk to. then
I went there a lot. it was
handy, and the beer
was good.
like a rock
sticking out of a river,
snagging at weeds
and tumbles
of scree.