As it happened...
Good evening world... here is your live winamop commentary. Keep
refreshing this page for news as it happens!
Well here we are and the Turks are reminding us why they won
last year. Err.. just why did they win last year? Surely not because of
these squawky high notes?!
Ah well, at least things can't get worse...
1st up is Spain, a double-glazing salesman gives us the benefit
of his salsa lessons.. 3 points.
2nd Austria. Terribly boring song - badly sung - what have the
Austrians ever done for pop music? Not this that's for sure. 2 points.
Here comes Knut. Tin-foil-man from Norway. We expect great
things. Well, better than the last 2 anyway..
Pity it had to have the
obligatory key change. 5 points.
Woo! Weird! The French have a woman on stilts... why we don't
know. The young chap singing is doing a decent enough job though, bit French
but a score of 6.
Now we have a bloke from Serbia. Where is Serbia? Never
mind, the good-looking guy with short legs is doing OK and the nose-flute
artist and the drummers are giving it plenty. Bit Eastern though. 6.
Ah now this is quality! Malta have a sexy girl and a greasy
bloke in shiny trousers singing in a "musical" style with operatic interludes.
Euro-crud typified. Well done! 4.
Holland have three night-club bouncers and a couple of young
pimps who smile too much. Mmmm, Cheesy! I trust it'll have a key-change near
the end... It didn't!! Well done. Have an extra point, 7.
Here's Germany and a return to the song-writing genius of
Stephan Raab (who penned Wadda hadda dooda daad). This is nowhere near as good
though, it's actually tuneful!
Oh dear, the obligatory key-change at the
end took the singer way beyond his range. Good effort though. 8.
Now we welcome Albania to the show... Albania? Yes indeed, with
a sexy bint and fuzz guitars they're giving it their best shot. Disco
break-down near the end too. It could do it! 10!
Ooh err! It's Xena, warrior princess singing for the Ukraine.
Nice little mover, crap singer, good tattoos. 6... OK 8 then.
Croatia have Rodney out of Only Fools and Horses with a
power-ballad which is a bit lacking in power. 5... actually that could do quite
well, I'll up it to 8.
Bosnia and Herzegovina have Yazoo reincarnated, singing to and
old Donna Summer backing track. A real lead balloon! Marvellous. Null pointer
if ever I heard one. (I quite enjoyed it though) 4.
Now we have the comperes back on screen. It's a couple of
distant relatives of the Adams family. What is she wearing? Evidently
they're "freaking out" in Hamburg but the woman "live" on the streets of
Istanbul is asleep (don't blame her), oops.
Belgium are here to delight us now. But they aren't.
losing the will to live.
Heavy on the drums but ultimately uninspiring.
Russia now and we're past the halfway point. Good-oh!
is it the British entrant from last year? She can't sing atall. Good enough
song but she killed it. Nice Circus dancers in body paint though, reminds me of
the Telly Tubbies. 4.
Next it's the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia. Now we
know why there aren't any Macedonian international pop superstars. It's
cobblers but there's no lack of enthusiasm from the performer, loads of angst!
Greece are up now. Here's a nice young chap in ripped jeans, is
it Ricky Martin? Very much in that style, "nice bum" says JH... is that really
what it's about? Now the backing dancers are down to their underwear and he's
taking his top off, and doing a back-flip. What a performance!! 8.
Iceland are fielding a mild mannered young fellow in a white
suit, singing another power-ballad. Where's the pop? Where's the rock? Where's
the tune? Boo! 4.
Ireland have won this damn thing tons of times, let's see what
they can do now...
Not a lot apparently. V poor, and dull. Why do these
blokes all grease their hair? 5.
Poland are going for sex here, barely clad female singer strokes
saxophonist's instrument... mmmm tasteful. I like the song though, I think
they're taking the piss! Passes the old grey whistle test too. 10.
The UK have the honour to compete in this exhaulted event now.
James Fox does his best with the mediocre material he has to work with. Nobody
will vote for it though 'cos everybody hates Tony Blair. 9.
A British blonde from Cyprus comes on now with a yearning
ballad. Pity she doesn't sing for the UK really, she'd need a better song to do
any good though. 6.
The home team are in to bat now, Turkey with NERD meets Madness,
we think they're taking the mickey.. they definitely don't want to stage this
event again next year! Heaviest effort tonight, dig those tartan trousers! 10
but we reckon it'll only score 6.
Romania are following the same path as Ukraine, thongs and songs
(badly sung due to too much gyrating) and dancing boys. 3.
Last song now and it's Sweden with some good old Euro-pop. At
last the sort of bubbly dross we have come to expect! A bouncy song sung by an
over-the-hill diva complete with key change and all the trimmings.
full Euro spec. 9.
The voting starts now so I'm off for a pint. It seems we have
tipped Poland or Albania to win, I wonder how we'll do?
Good grief! What have I been eating? Must've been that cheese
sauce. There appears to be a riverdance troupe and belly dancers on a stage
made up of two giant kaleidoscopic eyeballs. I'd better have a lie down. When
does the voting start?
Now the silly girl who won it last year gets to talk to some of
the contestants who can't speak the same language, in the green room. It's
really embarrassing! Fine entertainment.
UK nul points so far... I hope you're ashamed Tony!
Thankyou Belarus for our single point!
It seems that Serbia and Montenegro are running away with it. We
gave it 6. That's how clued-up we are!
Estonia have given us some points too, we love you Estonia!
Albania are moving up the score-sheet, but sadly Poland are
languishing... looks like I've lost my bet.
Meanwhile back in the green-room they are "so excited", well at
least they say they are but really they look a little the worse for
Oooh! Ireland have given us 8 points. Thanks guys!
Good grief there's still 16 countries to vote!! We'll be here
all night. Thanks Iceland for a point, we're now in 16th place. Oops oh no,
make that 17th, but that's due to Poland coming up so we can't complain too
2 hours and 55 mins and my concentration is flagging, everyone's
voting for their neighbours (thanks Ireland!) and not for the song. I thought
it was about songs, but Ukraine are leading, must've been the thongs!
Nowt for Norway so far... wait a mo, Sweden have given them 3,
it's good to have friendly neighbours!
Bloody Hell, The Ukraine have won! It was awful. What the heck
is going on?
Everybody votes for their pals and we've got no pals in the
world these days. Still we soldier on... err... no let's change that to plod
along, it may be less controversial. It's not the European
government contest after all. We can't stand the buggers either you
Never mind, it was fun and we came 16th or something. A magnificent
improvement over last year (it would have been impossible to do worse) and I'm
looking forward to next year's event in the Ukraine.
Until then we'll revel in the mediocrity that we so deserve and