Extreme Dating
by Paul Handley

 

Having difficulty finding the kind of dating site you want? There are matchmaking sites such as Tastebuds that matches potential couples based upon music taste. Parship, for those seeking long-term relationships. GayRomeo - you can guess. OurTime - for those over 50. Christian Mingle - God’s match. PackersBackers for Green Bay Packer’s fans.

We aren’t supposed to discuss politics and religion at the dinner table because they’re such personal, volatile topics, but what about when looking for a potential mate? They go to a person’s essence. There have been forays into mainstream religions as evidenced by ChristianMingle, but what about extreme politics? Nothing would make a date drive away from a house faster than a Tea Partier seeing an “Elizabeth Warren for President” bumper sticker on the car in the driveway, or warm the cockles of his/her heart faster than a gun rack on a Humvee.

We have combined the two.

“What?” you ask.

“How is it remotely possible to combine these seemingly incompatible ideological enemies in a dating service?”

By separation that is predicated upon a series of questions that will be periodically updated based upon the latest flavor of the month issue.

• 1. Do you have an altar with an ornately framed picture of the founding fathers over it in an area partitioned off in the basement by a Ted Nugent Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang tapestry? Is the altar covering up a latch to a survivalist supply cache or do you think the Founders inability to measure up to the mores of the current year and lack of diversity is the equivalent of primaries in certain red states?

• 2. Would you mandate Christian prayer and the pledge of allegiance in school or would you prevent Halloween costumes or anything that smacks of partaking in a ritual pertaining to main stream culture that marginalizes others causing a student to wreak vengeance on a world that would allow valentines or shamrocks to enter a learning environment at such a vulnerable age?

• 3. Arsenic, Poison Ivy, Belladonna, Hemlock, Peyote, Psilocybin Mushrooms, Colorado River Toad Venom. Would you rather ingest these ingredients than allow labeling qualifying them as natural - because of your belief that anything natural must be good or because any government dictates regarding labeling is socialism on a stick?

• 4. If you find out your neighbor is gay would you locate a group to kidnap him in order to scrub the gayness out of his brain or would you severely admonish him for numerous instances of gentrification due to the increasing number of fabulous rehab projects.

• 5. Would you self-deport at the age of sixty-three if you found your mother’s birth certificate and journal while cleaning out her attic providing the evidence that you are an anchor baby? Or would you consider the arrests of ISIS leadership at the airport illegal due to inescapable profiling that is an inherent trait of white privilege?

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