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The Leader
by Paul Murgatroyd



12 February 

Yesterday at lunch I saw a man eating grass on toast.

Eva said it was chives, but it definitely looked like grass to me.

Today in my honour military parade, fly past by new F-36 fighters, banquet. Commuted 7 death sentences.

My daughters are in high gudgeon. Have forbidden them to read novels, to set a good example to the people.

The proper reading matter for the people is my Essential Works. Volume 3 published today. Have decided everybody must learn off by heart at least 2 of them. There will be tests. Don’t care if the plebs are illiterate, that’s no excuse. They’ll really learn something – their place if nothing else.


13 February

I shd have said here yesterday that my wife Eva gave me this beautiful lockable diary and a gold fountain pen for my 70 th birthday. Now I’ve finally got inflation down to 200% I have the time to use it. Other leaders sent the usual stuff. Clara gave me a curious present – the pop-up book of the organs of the body. T gave me a dozen jeraboams, said he thought diary was a good idea, with careful editing could be publishable + form part of my legacy. Talking of which I will make contraception illegal and abolish abortion and all women under 45 must have at least 4 children. Merit badge for those who have more than 4? Need to increase our population, esp after pipe leak carnage – hundreds of morons turn up for free oil, and smoke! Told Max to stop those leaks or it wd be his head. Thought for day – if you’re not in control you’re under control.


14 February

Poetry is alive and flourishing in our wonderful land. Just read Shakiri’s birthday ode in which he says I have beautiful hands, hands like the wings of a dove, psychic hands. Cd make him a general. But we have about 30 already. So admiral of fleet. No fleet, of course, but it’s just a mark of respect. Eva got doctrate + she hasn’t even been to university.

Thought for day – advance through technology!


15 February

Photoes of me everywhere NOT ENOUGH. Need my image on bars of soap too, so am associated with purity + cleansing.

Need new agricultural policy so crops don’t fail again. And trade deals!

Reduce sugar tax?

Thought for day – change tomorrow today!


16 February

Really wish Eva was a twin. Apparently Mobutu took his wife’s identical twin as his consort and that really disturbed people cos they cdnt tell the two women apart.

Read of Gengis Kahn the fire of rage in his eyes cd only be quenched by his enemies blood. Yes!

Been a long winter.

Thought for day –


17 February

Kleptocracy = loyalty. But ambassador in Beijing sold the embassy building and is now renting it back from tycoon who bought it. Recall him at once + put him in charge of fixing inflation (obviously bright).

Rumbles from World Bank about our missing millions. Told them this was inapropriate level of financial prudence + mind their own business.


18 February

National disgrace! May not qualify for World Cup. Lost to Hungary 22-0! At home! Goalkeeper said cdnt see properly for the smog but tosh - he shd be well used to that by now and make allowances. He also said they cd have won if they hadn’t let in the first ten goals. That’s as maybe. But can’t let this country be humiliated on world stage. T had the team bastinadoed, said that would keep them on their toes + has taken over as manager. World Cup glory beckons. Everybody needs a fidus Achates like T – a simply splendid deputy PM, always there for me. Told nation in my broadcast England won the World Cup in 1966 + thanks to my personal intervention we will do so again with a world-beating team.

Saw on intranet the German for condom is erektionsring. Ha! What can you expect from a nation that calls a glove a handschuhe? Also I never realized how expensive those hitech anti-pollution masks are that T always wears. With the matching black tie and shirt - fashion statement, I suppose. I feel safe without one but each to his own. Bionic pens and waterless washing machines also advertised – what are they?


19 February

Thank god I live in a civilized country. Look at the leaders in the dark countries! Saw on intranet some bloody shah declared himself The Most Formidable Lord And Master Of The Encyclopedia Britannica. Amin claimed he was the only president in direct contact with God, and during the Yom Kipur war sent a telegram to the Israeli govt saying I command you to surrender.

Our Chinese ambassador has disapeared. Done a runner, T reckons + wdnt have got inflation down anyway. He knows someone who will. Left it in his capable hands.

Went to Swan Lake last night. Eva refuses to go to ballet, says can’t take seriously men leaping about with their equipment bulging out all over the place. Philistene. When I got back she sneered and asked how was it. I said splendid actually, esp the Ball Scene. She found that v funny for some reason.


20 February

Felt dozy all day, hard to think

Pippa and Daphne in tears yet again, so relented and let them read novels after all, but told them to keep quiet about it.

Eva’s latest fad – RELIGION! Hope this as shortlived as all the others. That bloody bishop she’s seeing is aparently banging on about us needing a religious revival + God being a wonderful person to know, a colourful person to know + having a suitcase of blessings for us. Maybe He cd revive our trade deal with the US, tho I don’t think we’ve got anything else they want. As a sop introduce a new religious holiday? And ban beards. Muslim terrorists wear beards.

Told T about the bonkers bishop + he reckons he’s just another cretin with brain damage from all the air pollution. May be rite – there are a lot of cretins about.

Ate giant toblerone and got squiffy on black velvet. Go together v well!


21 February

Super BJ. But getting bored with Clara. She shaves. Have started craving wench with hairy armpits, so can loose myself in them, in the torrid forests of desire. At least she’s girlish. I love young chicken.

Headache finally lifted, but intranet down – bloody adwars again!

Aparantly Gantz died last week. Cancer. Goody goody. Was once so drunk the plane he was on had to land cos he was trying to eat his phone. Can’t think why I made him a judge. Think I’ll turn his tomb into a public urinal.

Yummy tiramisu. But my favorite is still gooseberry fool.


22 February

Had wicked was with Clara (STW). Odd girl, almost moronic in some respects. Must have inhaled too much bad air, ha ha. For her life is absolutely marvellous, apart from one tiny cloud on the horizon – she is convinced that at the age of 4 she swallowed a crystal baby brand piano, whole.

Why is it so warm? Read on intranet that Ronald Reagan once said that trees pollute more than cars Can that be rite? Ask Dr Eva.


23 February

Asked Eva + she called me a silly tiddly wink. Rude. Is the woman turning into some sort of ecowarrior? Says chicken nuggets ad with dancing chickens is disrespectful to chickens and contravenes their animal rights. Think she’s loosing it.

Off to France tomorrow to receive legion donneur. Am taking my portable loo so won’t leave behind me any samples which could yield vital health information. How cd you trust a nation which spell their word for yes oui + not we(e)? Horribly difficult language + when the French speak it they always sound like they’re showing off.

T has yet another PA, a v young intern called Mira. Aptly named – she IS marvellous. Sexy! Phwoah! And I don’t think she shaves her armpits!


24 February

The bastard smog suddenly got worse and delayed return flight for HOURS. Headache back, nose blocked, going to bed now.


25 February

Right to be suspicious about the Frogs. New president had untrustworthy glasses and a parting that goes all the way back. But absolutely superb creme brule – cracked when tapped with spoon. Bit better than Eva’s vegan sausages. Actually I have gone through life being disapointed by sausages. As the actress said to the bishop. V warm in Paris too.

Seem to remember Eva waking me up holding up an empty sandwich bag + saying this is for your thoughts. Doesn’t make sense, must have been a dream.


26 February

We all love sweeties and choccies and cakey but dental health is important, so will bring in law making everybody floss at least once a day. Sold Dentacom floss monopoly. 

Told Mira off colour joke. Convulsed. Might be in there. T thinks so. Could get FP at least.


27 February

Rumpy pumpy with Mira. Right about armpits! So chuffed I started singing on way to photo opp. T said I have a fine baritone voice. Gave me brainwave – Britains Got Talent. The PM singing Land of hope and Glory just HAS to win. T wondered if it might be a bit undignified. May have point. But keep on backburner.

Reports of people starving in Kent. Kent!! T says rubbish. Must be the old fake news.


28 February

Read about some brummie pleb with infestation of bugs in his ear! These slum people with their slummy diseases and their slummy hords of snotty nosed kids! Thieving and fighting and doing drugs all the time.

Mira says the animals in Disney’s Lion King are real. Not sure all are, but some clearly are. Cough worse + now sinuses blocked too. Feel like eyes scraped on inside. Eheu.


29 February

Reports of unrest in Kent. Overexaggerated surely. Went to see Giselle. Also super. Eva asked if there was a Ball Scene! Told her of course not, but I really enjoyed the scene in which the Wilis came out. She laughed so much she peed on carpet. Why? Oh, I get it. Ha bloody ha!


1 March

Not much happened today. Apart from me getting merry. Oh yes, some chap protested against food shortage by nailing his scrotum to a tree in Hide Park. T said it takes some balls to do that. Just realized that may have been a joke.

Played stripsnap with Mira. Won easily! Then interfered with her sexually. Nice. Gave her the pearl earrings.


2 March

Aparently hunger march started in Bristol. Police broke it up. Fights, arrests, ho hum.


3 March

Still untouchable! Parliament extended my emergency powers for another year. After I gave them hefty pay rise and increased entertainment allowance. T said that wd do the trick and he was rite. Double my salary and his.

Bought Eva that big gold crucifix she saw on intranet. Got mellow on that French brandy and watched old episodes of Dads Army. Great fun.


4 March

V windy.

Now food riots in Oxford (just oiks). Don’t know what’s up with people carping when never had it so good. We’ve stopped all migration – what more do they want? Tweeted am working tirelessly nite and day on the food issue. Told Geoffrey to deal with it. Russia had bumper crops this year so he can fix up some sort of deal with them. People rioting not good optically speaking.

My little cabbage Mira gave me some horizontal comfort. Turns out she’s a big ballet fan! Feel closer than ever to her.


5 March

Watched Britains Got Talent. Cd have beaten all of them easily esp the man spinning plates on sticks and the flat chested topless lady harpist. Told Eva + she said I wd win as a clown. Don’t understand. Am singer not clown. Was she being forc   fac    funny?

Mira showed me new position called ride em cowgirl. Exciting!


6 March

Told T Eva’s crack. He said women are like gongs – they shd be struck regularly. I came back with Happiness Is Not A horse, which foxed him. Don’t often get the better of him!

Unrest in east end. T cracking down robustly. Dwarf of Death has died. Cancer. Am pissed to celebrate (wine and beer – how very queer).


7 March

Went to Dwarf’s funeral. Crematorium had FIRE EXIT sign. When I laughed and pointed this out to Eva she told me to be quiet and show some respect. Bloody woman!


8 March

Aparently Ravel originally wanted to call his Bolero something else – Fandango! Ravel’s Fandango doesn’t sound quite right. As if Remus killed Romulus in their argument, so the new city was called Reme, and eventually built up the Reman Empire. Sounds off.

Eva v bad tempered today. Cold and stiff in bed. Like trying to roger a surf board. Cd she be bonking the bonkers bishop? She sees a LOT of him.


9 March

Really annoyed by this stupid stupid famine. T says it’s good for national order – the great unwashed are being thinned down and thinned out. But read on intranet in a hospital in Southhampton when a woman gave birth three starving patients rushed in and ate the afterbirth. Ew!!! These people are ANIMALS.

V sexy email from cuddly wuddly Mira. Responded in kind.

Knew Geoffrey wd mess up Russian deal so got Mediacorps Inc to ‘leak’ an email of mine castigating him for gross incompetence and sacking him. Have passed it on to Boris. With a name like that he shd be able to deal with the old Russkis!


10 March

China offered to send food aid but Ministry of Trade cocked that up by setting customs fees for the shipments. Anyway have nixed the whole thing. T reckons receiving foreign aid is bad for our image. Suppose he’s rite.


11 March

Announced with fanfare bold new initiative – Angels of Mercy. Basicly soup kitchens run by ladies. Nigel’s idea. Gave it to his company.


12 March

Soup kitchens open. Bit of a row with old Nigel – T told him he cdnt charge for the bread. Anyway panem et circenses. V funny ad for sanitizer – imploding germs!!


13 March

Held rally, announced famine officially over. Not greeted as warmly as I expected. T says a few dissidents sabotaged the speakers that do the canned applause. Got tiddly.


14 March

Eva told me to get finger out re famine. Miffed. T said just ignore her, I am the best PM in British history.

Eva showing off her new designer handbag at reception, Evelyn-White’s wife said probably not a good idea for a woman of Eva’s age to go round parading a bag that has FOSSIL on it. Serve bossy boots right!


15 March

Now complaints not enough soup kitchens, soup watery and bread hard. Some people never happy! T said Nigel incompetent, give contract to Worldafood International. Did.


16 March

Adwars again! But more naughty emails with my little Miss Cuddles!

For my broadcast – to those who speak dismissively of Little Britain let me say this: I will make Britain great again, this wonderful country of ours will reestablish relations with our good friends in Wales and Scotland by spring, or early summer at the latest.

Bloody Eva sulking again. Why?


17 March

T says make Britain great again was a superb tag and went down realy well. But life isnt all creamy biscuits. Still complaints not enough soup kitchens.

Saw odd graffiti – ABSTRACT FLANS. And Esther’s Esthetics is offering free hydrating ampoules with exotic installers (wonder if there women?).

Need more Maltesers. Pissed on wine again. Getting bored. Must try NEW drinkies.


18 March

Why are so many dying of cancer? Or if not that alzheimers. Now it’s Gabriel. Not all that sorry. Was a bit of a pain in the neck back when the cabinet had teeth, forever sniping and scheming. North country originally and his father some sort of grocer.

Aparently Eva’s bishop says Saint Donato killed a dragon by spitting on it. I say Balls (not to her – v touchy re religion now). T agrees with me its piffle.

Watched Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars with Mira. Bad. But not as bad as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.


19 March

I am Elagabalus the astonishing highpriest of Emesa. Am Caligula wishing English people had one throat so cd kill all with one cut. Am Domit am pissed actualy in my cups sir drunk as a fiddlers bitch. On that marvellous marmalade flavoured vodka T gave me makes  change But only for breakfast hair of dog? Wish never had that row with pops about wording of song I’m a little electric train but sure was rite but shd have been at his deathbed. Saw some jap ate fathers ashes so he wd aways have him in his heart wonder if cd exhume


20 March

Hurled self into giddy maelstrom that is rachmaninov second Symphony. Didn’t do hangover much good. Feeling a bit sic transit Gloria actually. Must be getting old. Used to drink lot more with no ill effects. And used to be sharper. Don’t think I’m acheiving all I cd. But still v virile! With my little poppet moppet.


21 March

Aqua alta bad again, bloody useless flood defences! On diversion saw two adjoining oriental restaurants called Ping and Pong (coincidence or deliberate?).

Winston not v well, poor chap. Eva took him to the vet. Cd be dog-covid. HOPE NOT! Realy love that old dog.


22 March

As if not enough trubble now a nuclear accident! Malcolm the Moron lost a fuel rod last year (which I gather the mafia now have) and now he’s managed a leak from reactor no 2. Also admited some starving locals broke in and stole the animals being used in experiments to eat. T said easy to catch the thieves as they would glow in the dark, so that’s something. Asked Malcolm to explain the explosion + the bloody man said well something must have blown up. Cretin! Eva wanted it hushed up completely, but T got Mediacorps Inc onto it, passed it off as minor breach of security by eco terrorists, efficiently handled by Custodes rapid response team, several suspects now in custody. I got police to tell locals nothing serious and if afraid of radiation shd wear wool next to skin, that wd protect them. The great british public will believe anything there told by someone in uniform. T wants to sack Malcolm the Moron but cant do that – he’s Eva’s little brother and she wd go balletic (already on a rampage cos her favorite wooden spoon is missing and accuses ME of stealing it). I thought old dead cat on table good idea – create external enemy, manufacture Irish incident and invade. T thought not. Will revisit that.

Off to get blotto. Under HUGE amount of pressure, never thought job wd be as tough as this.


23 March


Perfectly bloody charity ball. But bumped into Grey George. Looks MUCH older than me. Lizard skin + immensely bloated. Didnt seem drunk but cdnt string a sentence together. Gods punishment for calling me the fat owl of the lower sixth. Bastard. Absolute bastard.

Reading to primary school class. Wish I had a wishing chair so cd go off with Peter and Mollie and Binkie and have little adventures with wizards and grabbit gnomes and then go home to treacle toffee. LOVED those stories when nanny read them to me at bedtime.

Wonder what sodomy is like. Doing it to another, not having it done to one (my bottie is a temple). Like to try it just once to see.

Weird dream. Was in Godders’ class trying to do a sum on the board in front of the class and cdnt do it cos I was halving the number when I shd have been dividing it by two. Always was a bit of a duffer at maths. And French and


24 March

Positively scrumptious horsdouvres. T has GREAT parties. Managed to get my little poppet off into the shrubbery for some alfresco fornication while he distracted Eva. She offered me some ‘back door action’! Amazing coincidence rite after me thinking might like that. Cdnt say I did like it realy. How about S + M?

Cough started up again. Maybe the damp. No russia deal – sack bloody Boris?

My name is Angus Prune and this is my tune! Great repeat!


25 March

Winston on mend! Typical British bulldog. Will be fine, just build him up with steak.

Who is this Otto Jelinec Eva is now badgering me about? She Who Must Be Obeyed says he’s got some new scheme for succouring the starving masses. T reckons he sounds like a bloated Prussian junker complete with monocle and fat cigar, ha ha. Suppose I’d better keep her happy by setting up a comission under this Jelinec chappy. And I’ll buy her that Barguzin sable coat she keeps on about too. Anything for a bit of peace.

T says he’ll handle the Russia deal, has some useful contacts. Good-oh.

Watched first episode of We. Top notch. Like a nice dystopian drama series.


26 March

Liquid lunch. Needed it! Another horendous storm, hail size of grapefruits. Thank god was in armored SUV! Lots of proles pole-axed just standing there and goggling at the hail. Suppose it’s the old global warming thing. At summit must announce more targets, make new pledge. Tho Sebastian tells me its too late now actually. Oh well, as T says, its not our problem, wont happen til after we’ve popped off. Aprey moi le deluge and all that.


27 March

Russian ambassador accused of sexual harassment – named Slutski! Priceless!

Reminds me of that American ambassador who said he had a blind goldfish that kept on swimming into the side of its bowl. Wonder if it cd see its food.

She Who Must Be Obeyed says Jelinec has just disapeared.  Splendid news!


28 March

Now she’s been chuntering on about God and the green crap and the vegan crap and wont travel in a car cos cars kill insects on the windscreen! Think she’s realy loosing it. V annoying. Also on about rumblings of discontent among the masses + beginnings of an uprising against me, all cos T was a trifle heavy handed in putting down protests. Fiddle faddle! I raised the possibility of resurrection? an uprising, with T and he poopoohed it. Said the notion of opposition has no place in this country’s mental universe. And nobody could take exception to our policies cos our political orientation is neither of the left nor of the right nor entirely of the center. Quite! And the Angels of Mercy initiative has now overcome initial glitches + in any case the public is still reeling from Covid-24 + immensely grateful for 300 free TV channels and highspeed intranet and all that. Sure he’s rite. But told him maybe be a bit more discreet. Finished off the last jeroboam with him. Made a pleasant change. Never got pissed with me before. Great fun.


29 March

Outstanding hanky panky with Mira (turned up unexpectedly in my office). Did Mars bar thing!

T off somewhere busy all day but came later for a drinkie-poo or ten. Realy is funny (v dark sense of humour) and relaxing. Said Mira told him I am a fine figure of a man and she cd never look at another chap after me. Feel smug.


30 March

She Who Must Be Obeyed told me I have the brains of a mollusc. Not sure about mollusc’s brains but took as insult. The bloody woman realy is infuriating. Now she claims T has tortured and executed people! Says one of his teem who was leaking info was strapped to a chair and shot in the back. And some vicar died of tetanus caught from rusty barbed wire used to tie his hands and for a crown on his head. And some disident who disapeared weeks ago had a bottle broken up his rectum + the shards lacerated his bowels + left him in agony for 6 days before he finally died. Called T a slimy coniving hyena in a pin striped suit. T!! I just dont believe it + when I put it to T he refuted it + said she’s been nobbled by that poisonous leftie bishop with his hidden agenda. Sure he’s right, he has a literally stellar mind. But maybe keep an eye on him?

All a bit of a worry so consoled self with maron glaces and Mira. Lady Jane received my man Roger 3 times this afternoon! I cd bonk for Britain. On Britain’s Got talent?? Later heard gunshots again + an explosion. Just a storm in a teapot as T reckons? Calmed self down by listening to the slow movement from Mahler’s Fifth. Awfully moving! Can’t decide if that’s my favorite piece of music or Albinoni’s Adagio or Three little maids from School are we. Having early nite – worn out by all the worry + headache + sinus bad.




31 March

Bugger she found out! About Mira. Shit hell of ashock to start theday with when saw her addition in diary silly woman left it out on my desk open at the last page. Went to her to plead with her she pretended not to know what I was on about said no spare key and shed never written in dairy, then T dashed in and said her brother wanted to see her urgently in ante room an emergency. Once she left told him all and showed him dairy. He said if she made contents public wd be law suits my asets frozen human rites issues tooo, also hed only just found out Mira is only 15 and a half wich was why hed turned up to tell me that. Press will have a field day are pictures + she cd sell her story. Career over and wd go to jail. Other stuff also wich I cant remember terrible terrible, didn’t know what the hell to do, T offered to save me but said Eva realy dangerous and had to go + Mira had to be bought off. I said fine I was entirely in his hands. He smiled said wd fix it. Hope he can. Ate two Kitkats + feel a bit better. Hope and pray he can fix it. please lord please

6.06 PM He COULD! Whoopee! Tremendous feeling of relief and liberation. Eva had unfortunate accident, tripped fell down stairs. Twice, before neck broke. Oops! The worm has turned. She was a real danger to me + what she wrote in the dairy was so bloody rude! And he’s bought off Mira and got the pictures (and wiped the emails). VERY EXPENSIVE but worth EVERY penny. So grateful! What a friend!

Now for a celebratory piss up. Mustnt overdo it. Off to Palace tomorrow to be nited for services to nation. Must ask the old king if he cant give T some sort of gong. He certainly deserves one for getting me out of trubble. Free, free!!!




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