Egyptian Spine Lizard
Spinosaurus
aegyptiacus
The largest heaviest
most dangerous carnivorous dinosaur
ever to slog through
the northern African swamplands
bigger even than
Giganotosaurus and Tyrannosaurus
Argentinasaurus and
Sauroposeidon
Bruhathkayosaurus and
Carcharodontosaurus (seriously!
how in the hell is
anyone
supposed to know how to
pronounce these absurd names?)
We had giant claws for
hooking into water beasts
dragging them beneath
to their certain demise
and also for fighting
off giant crocs
our staunchest enemies
and stiffest competition.
Over the millennia to
better compete
with the crocs we
developed croc-like snouts and teeth
for clamping down tight
onto prey then rolling
thrashing them to death
in the water
before tearing them to
pieces for easier swallowing.
We grew gigantic
sails down our backs but for what?
a cooling
mechanism?
sexual
display?
defensive
structure?
Well Im not
saying for sure and youll never know for sure
because the only
skeleton of us ever
to have been dug out of
the dirt and preserved
was blown to
smithereens during your World War II
obliterating us again
100 million years
after the first time.
You people really do make me sick.
Terror Bird
Kelenken
guillermoi
Imagine if you will if
you can if you dare
a creature nine feet
tall nine feet long
500 pounds, razor
talons, a giant hooked beak
the top predator in our
world but with feathers yes
a bird, a bird fast as
a horse big as a horse well thats
what we were dominating
the landscape
here in South
America
where there were no
wolves or giant cave bears
or snarly sabre-toothed
cats
until 2 million years
ago
when the stupid
Panamanian land bridge appeared
rather miraculously if
you ask me rising right up
out of the sea
permitting the predatory carnivores
from up north to stream
across
overrunning our lands
stealing our food
and we simply could not
compete and that was that.
Scientists refer to us
as Terror Birds
descended directly from
the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex.
We did them damn proud
yes we did
for a long long
time
and that is nothing to
be ashamed of.
Just be thankful we are
not still tromping around
the savannahs and
jungles pummeling everything
in our path with our
powerful sickle-hammer beaks
including people too if
you got in our way.
Coelacanthe
Latimeria
chalumnae
For 65 million years we
were extinct
until one of us was
discovered in 1938
off the coast of South
Africa
a dinosaur a living
fossil they announced
making a big splash a
fish
as large as a man
wrapped in armor-like scales
with lobe fins and a
trilobate tail.
Extinct my ass we were
simply remaining alive
by staying the hell
away from you people
living down deep in
vast
labyrinthine underwater
caverns.
To this date a few
dozen of us
have been
caught.
Are there many more of
us thriving
along with other
monstrous creatures
where we came
from?
Dont ask because
you really dont
want to know what else
lurks
down in the murky
depths of the oceans.
Best to keep all that
relegated
to your
nightmares.
Bigfoot
Gigantopithecus
imaginationus
Bigfoot Sasquatch
Mapinguari The Tall Man Yiren
Batutut Hibagon Hairy
Wild Man Orang Pendek
Mogollon Monster Swamp
Ape Yowie Himalayan Yeti
or simply the good old
Abominable Snowman
call us what you will
but doubt us only
if you dare because we
are everywhere.
We screech and shriek
break your windows
steal and eat your hogs
and goats
sheep and chickens make
thunderous
tree knocks and quiet
nests of leaf litter and twigs.
Were not ghosts,
vampires or zombies
werewolves, bogeymen or
Neanderthals
were Bigfoots
damn it! Proud intelligent humanoids
just like you even
though
you cant find us
and never will Ha Ha
we leave only our
footprints and tufts of hair behind
to tantalize you so you
bet were out there all right
somewhere in your
darkest night
and were on our
way to your front door!
Loch Ness Monster
Nessiteras
rhombopteryx
Since before the Dark
Ages
we have been lurking
beneath
the deep freezing
waters of Loch Ness
after having swam (or
is it swum?)
quite by accident up
Ness River from
the North Sea. The
Vikings knew we were there
but knew better than to
hunt us or search us out
better to let sleeping
monsters lie!
Spotted for centuries,
only becoming an obsession
for academicians
politicians tourists sailors
monster hunters
biologists cryptozoologists
(talk about whack jobs)
nautical engineers
and hoaxers in 1933
after that first photo was taken
which spawned a
clamorous cacophony of films
videos sonar images
echo sound recordings
and various
scientific expeditions.
So what are we? A
surviving Plesiosaur family?
Giant Greenland Sharks
or Sturgeons?
Gigantic eels,
Lake Worms or Norwegian Skates?
A school of Bottlenose
Dolphins? Some logs?
Sorry to disappoint but
Im not telling.
Were having too
much fun with you chasing us.
So keep it up you
morons but please, please
for the love of God
Stop Calling Us Nessie!
Were Monsters for
crying out loud!
Mermaid
Marmennills
sirena
Yes we do exist what an
ignorant insulting question
the ancient
civilizations knew
depicted us in their
folklore and mythologies
Atargatis of
Assyria, the Sirens of
Greece (Homer
was no dummy),
Melusina in Europe, the
Babylonians
Chinese Japanese Hindus
Africans Polynesians Columbus
even Blackbeard
the Pirate
all saw us swimming the
oceans
and dont forget
the prehistoric cave paintings
so for the love of God
stop asking if we are real!
Like whales were once
land mammals with hooves
returning to the sea 50
million years ago
so did we 7 million
years ago
(the Aquatic Ape Theory
look it up on your Internet).
Today we often travel
with whales
for camouflage and
protection.
In addition to our
split fish-like tail
we have webbed hands, a
hinged ribcage (for deep diving)
long flowing hair, and
were bewitchingly beautiful
youve seen the
paintings and sculptures.
But if you are still
skeptical, what about
the Israeli
town of Kiryat offering a $1,000,000 reward
for the first
photograph of one of us!
What about that?
$1,000,000!
Now you know for
certain we exist so go ahead
catch us if you
can.