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Advice to the Candidates. By Martin Green.


I was in the library doing the crossword puzzle when the phone rang. My man Jeeves picked it up, listened, then said, “It’s you-know-who again. Shall I tell her you’re occupied?”

“Nah, she’ll just keep on calling. I’ll take it. Hiya, Hillary, how’s it going? Yeah, I know it’s hard. I know, it should have been inevitable, but who can tell? Yeah, he’s a likeable guy, but what can you do? What should you do? Be yourself? Nah, I’d hold back on that. Yeah, you’ll scare the guys, but will they vote for you?

“I’d tone it down a little, even play the “woman” card, maybe even a tear or two. What, you haven’t cried since you were a kid and didn’t get that pony? Well, think about that the next time they tell you people don’t like you. Men can never resist a broad, er, a woman who cries. Okay. Yeah, I’ll keep in touch. By the way, I’m doing the crossword. What’s the name of a recent president they tried to impeach? George Bush? No, that doesn’t fit. Okay, talk to ya later.”

As soon as I ended the call, the phone rang again.. “He always knows,” I said. “Oh, hi, Barack. How’s it going? Yeah, I know it’s hard to keep that momentum going. Have you been taking those kick-boxing lessons I recommended? Not enough time. Well, you have to toughen up. Try soaking your hands in pickle brine. Okay. By the way, I’m doing the crossword; know a word for making things different? Not a clue? Well, keep punching, and keep your guard up.”

I gave Jeeves the phone. “I suppose that guy Huckleberry, or whatever the hell his name is, is next.”

“Yes, sir. What do you really think of the candidates?”

“What do I really think? Jeeves, get my bags packed and call that travel agent. I think we’ll be spending a lot of time abroad the next few years.”


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